Ah, yes, I will remember that kiss for the rest of my life. Time stood still…at least I wanted it to stand still in that moment. But how did you know, truly, that we were those same two children? Ah, perhaps it is because some kisses do leave their own kind of magical imprint, some kind of essence or resonance which permeates the air surrounding them and the very fabric of space, and reverberates through time eternal.
At first, I did not want to even kiss him. I froze in rebellion and in such need for mutual reciprocation. And then, just as the snowflakes melted around us, I too melted and responded to him in such earnest. Then, as he walked away from me, looking back only once, my spirit and inner experience reflected the color of that hat I was wearing. I put it into a box and have not touched it since that one-of-the worst-days-of-my-life …day. For he was leaving me, forsaking me, as it so seemed to me. He chose his god over me and was choosing to leave me to become a priest. I both hated him and loved him desperately in those moments. As I watched him walk away, for I didn’t have the heart to spend even one minute more with him, my heart was crushed in a way which I felt could never be undone. And as i saw him become but a blur to me, my tears mingling with the fresh fallen snow, I sat down on the wet cold ground, and screamed WHY, WHY, WHY, to a god who I once thought to be so loving but now knew to be so cruel and heartless as to take from me the man who I would have died for, the man who I would have lived for.
Yes, it is true that when one window or door closes, another opens - but there has never been one such as himself and I doubt if there ever will be. And healing may take such a forever kind of time. This I know from experience. But healing also comes from the wisdom of knowing that even though the sacrifice was not a perfect willing or an embrace of fate itself, the outcome was not in vain but produced a beautiful meaningful life for the other and through that another more meaningful raison de’ etre came into being and flourished.
But now…let me ask you a question. Are you simply a voyeur or are you some kind of an angel or an agent of the Universe sent to record those moments in my life never to be forgotten, though truth to tell, I cannot decide if I would even want them to be remembered or if I even have the will in me to forget them. That double-edged sword can be as hurtful and lethal as it is beautiful.
Would one, could one, even realize how this is not so purely unautobiographical!
; and (2) a life which in the present moments is not really being lived as much to the fullest as is possible.
Let’s not forget that life is a journey and a process and that relationships and love do become transformed within the fires. My soul at times felt more like it was being ‘dragged’ alongside, not carried.