Is there anyone here who is married and actually enjoys being married? The reason I ask is this: Lately, myself and my girlfriend have been bombarded with “advice” saying not to get married, don’t have kids, it will ruin your life, destroy your happiness, give you ebola etc etc. We’re not engaged or anything and probably won’t be for a little while yet, but it is on our radar for the future. It seems that whenever a married older person sees us as a young and happy couple, they feel the need to pound us with negative remarks about the marriage/kids idea.
I am 23 and would like to marry this girl (want to finish my PhD first, so still a couple of years off) and I am not the sort of person who is swayed by remarks such as these, I will make my own mind up. But seriously, there must be some people out there who enjoy being married. A non-cynical comment would be nice to hear.
you should take the question to a relationship counsellor. the only married (now divorced person I know is Hermes).
I think if you guys really love one another, you guys should get married. I don’t think you should wait, because the worst thing to do is to regret ten years down the track for not getting married.
I am sure after marriage, you guys will live happily ever after. The End.
What is really important in a marriage is commitment. The will to stay together during good and tough times.
I have no qualms myself with getting married, and neither does she, I was just hoping to find some positive remarks about it. Perhaps ilovephilosophy.com might not be the best place to look for such comments. Maybe I should go to loveisallaround.com or similiar .
I personally find the idea of marriage appealing. I find it comforting to know that you have someone you love who will stick by you, good or bad, right until the end. Maybe I am a romantic/idealist, but oh well, so be it.
I am an electrical engineer, and that is what my PhD is based on.
Divorce rates are high, but so what? Human mortality rates are 100% (ie we all die) yet you’d think someone was a whacko if they advised you to commit suicide and save yourself the trouble.
If you want to get married, of course you should. Consider a few things, though; there are some issues that seem very minor when you’re dating that can be big issues later on if you marry and have kids.
How do you view money? How important is financial success, and how much money is enough? Consider if you have children, education will cost $.
Will you both work? How important is career vs family? If you’re both very driven it can cause conflicts, say if you both had to move for career reasons. If you’re very driven to succeed, and that requires long hours, will she be understanding?
Do you have similar religious beliefs? That can be a huge issue down the road. Take my brother for example- he’s a diehard atheist who married a fundamentalist Christian women. He figured ‘hey, I don’t believe, but no big deal if she does.’ Well that lasted until they had kids. She insisted on a religious upbringing, catechism and all that, but he really got upset that she wanted to “brainwash” them and saddle them with a lifetime of idiotic guilt. Eventually they divorced- not just over that. There were a host of other issues, but it was a factor.
Any criticisms of marriage would apply almost equally to simply dating long term (eg nothing’s permanent, etc). But still, getting married is a bigger deal that just cohabitating. It’s another level of committment, both social and legally. And there are challenges, as well as consequences if it fails (eg emotion, legal and fiscal, with possible child support or alimony).
Still, given the downsides, there are a lot of upsides. Getting married to the right person can really enrich your life. Best not to get married too young, though- you’re probably wise to give it a couple years.
NOTE: Take my advice with a grain of salt since I myself am divorced too.
I don’t see how their advice is any less realistic than Phaedrus’s. Then again, what do I know.
I wish you a happy union with your girl friend before God.
Marriage is not suitable for all people. I think those people who have had problems with marriage tend to universally discourage everyone from doing it. Don’t take their words too seriously.
I posed the topic of marriage to my mate by asking him if he would marry me if we were to be together for a good number of years. His response was: “I don’t think I would have a choice.” I thought that sounded just horrible, so I asked why he felt that way and he said: “I don’t think I would have a choice because I would want to.”
I liked that and I think I feel the same. It’s good to consider the practical like compatibility, money and whether or not you’re going to have kids, but love is one of those things that you either have or you don’t. There is nothing premeditated or practical about love, it just happens and I think marriage to some degree should be the same. Unless you’re talking about arranged marriages in which the whole process is reversed in a sense…but for this scenario I think that if you’re in love and you feel like it’s something you want, then go for it!
I was in an 8 year relationship that ended recently…we never did get married because I don’t think he ever wanted to. I think that whether or not you both really want it will indicate the outcome. In my case it just wasn’t meant to be. When and if problems arise, if the two of you really love one another, you will want to solve them. (there are, however, no guarantees in this life) Desire can go a long way in directing the success of a relationship. I think love is beautiful and if you’re in love you should follow your heart NoelyG!
I agree, Vortical, that you have to have love- that’s the core requirement. But I don’t think you can make it work with love alone. You need basic compatibility and maybe most importantly committment to being married. I realize that makes it all sound deadly dull, but many marriages fail due to other issues when the couple is still in love.
I haven’t seen the statistics, but I wonder if being religious doesn’t improve your odds of making it last, if not actually work. If it’s just a secular business arrangement with emotional overtones, that makes it pretty easy to bail if things get tough. You need some reason to tough it out and work thru the bad times. Love can be the reason, but I think it helps if you and your spouse have a common vision for life and your future together.
Don’t consider me down on marriage! As xanderman says, not everyone is suitable for it, but I’d consider getting remarried at some point, if I found the “one.”
Hi NoelyG, You say you find the IDEA appealing… and comforting to know that YOU have someone to love… that YOU have someone who will stick by YOU (perhaps when YOU are bad?)
My concern is that you have mentioned only the things YOU will get out of it. You have not mentioned what you are willing to do (or sacrifice) for your partner. You have not mentioned that she will have someone who will stick by her thru good or bad etc.
A wise counsellor once said: You must be prepared to put in far more than 50% of the work necessary to keep a relationship working because your partner will always see your 50% as 30-40%.
Similarly the other partner must do the same (i.e. feel that he/she is putting in more than her fair share) if you are both going to see the benefits and sacrifices as being about equal.
Quite a few things. First, there can be tax benefits. Plus, a person can set their health & life insurance up to cover a spouse, but not a s.o. In the event of a grave injury, a legal spouse generally has the power to determine medical issues (eg to sustain or disengage life support, use of heroic measures). In the absence of a will, a surviving spouse is generally the one that gets the deceased persons assets.
Plus, many states allow an underaged person in a bar to drink provided their spouse is 21.
I was talking about the idea of marriage in general and the reasons why I would like to get married. Why would I start talking about the issues you raised when I am stating the things I like about marriage and why I would like to get married?
Of course I realise that marriage takes sacrifice. You assumed too much simply from what I said about why I like marriage. Nearly everything that is truly good and fulfilling in the world takes effort, but its not necessarily this effort that you bring up when you are describing what you like about it.
Yeah, it does take effort… it’s interesting that selfishness came up in this discussion here, you should go in the Rant House and read my rant on that… it all came back to love, really in the end. If that wasn’t there it wouldn’t be the same, I wouldn’t take the time when I’m upset to explore options, question myself- to examine with the intent of solution.
I want to get married one day and have kids… the more you try to understand and think of your family, friends and lovers- the better your relationships with them will be. Everything is a compromise, everything needs balance.
ya phae, i never quite understood that one. how the hell do men end up paying to have sex with their wives in the “suburban” western subculture, when they would in fact be alot better off without them, in all respects, and thus the simple fact they condescended to even get married should bring eternal gratefulness etc.
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I’m perhaps a 
.
As xanderman says, not everyone is suitable for it, but I’d consider getting remarried at some point, if I found the “one.”