Thanks Meno, its good to see you are still here. Your Buddhism seems far better than the Christianity I have learned as in apparently deeply engrained in my subconscious, I have since become agnostic atheist again after my delusional state that compelled me to believe in my prior Christian faith again for a short time. I have been educated on the Catholic religion for all of grade and high school and studied it on my own into my late 20’s. So I have a lot of knowledge on the matter that has not escaped me. Whats concerning is how this illness causes me to believe such crazy things, 20 years apart from each other. Unbelievable.
Sounds like you’re not sure. Is this really autobiographical, or is it conjecture with a hook attached? Not sure if there can be evil without a Good of whom it is the privation?
Your mom saying she should have aborted you is the real evil here. And yes - he can forgive her… but if she accepted it is the real question. Someone who accepted it doesn’t say that sh**.
Avoiding tangent on the Lucifer thing. Avoiding really hard.
Blasphemy against the Spirit is when you’re undeniably “face-to-face” with the Holy Spirit and still refuse to accept the point. I don’t think you would say that has ever happened to you.
Where are you getting your information?
You should do a study on what antichrist means in the Bible. Along with that study you should study the passages where it talks about being a child of Abraham or a child of the devil.
This is the feeling when I’m road tripping and it’s all over the foothills.
I’m ready for more story!
You left us with you drowning!
Not sure if there can be evil without a "Good of whom it is the privation… "
The passage below:
So I misunderstood when I read this in my state of madness a few weeks ago, that Michael wasn’t hurled to the earth, it was Satan and his angels.
The questions I asked that are unanswered were thoughts passing through my mind at the time. “The antichrist has children?” - Thinking Damien from the movie The Omen.
This answers your question.
If you want to be able to right yourself rather than go off into delusions, you need to do this.
I can’t answer it for you.
Don’t avoid getting answers to your questions just because you think they were delusional.
You are very articulate. Who am I to do work you can do?
… As I opened the passenger side window I noticed the water had stopped rushing in. Apparently I was in a shallow marsh. I couldn’t climb out the passenger door as the car was teetering on its side a bit as I attempted, I did not want the car to fall and crush me if I attempted to get out. So I stayed and called 911, apologizing profusely for being Lucifer. I cried to the operator, “I believe I committed a mortal sin, I think I’m unforgiven.” The song Unforgiven by Metallica ran through my mind.
“The Unforgiven”
"New blood joins this earth,
And quickly he’s subdued.
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules.
With time the child draws in.
This whipping boy done wrong.
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he’s known
A vow unto his own,
That never from this day
His will they’ll take away…"
I waited in water that was about a foot deep on my legs. While discussing where I was with the operator I looked at my maps on my phone and let her know I was by Mink Creek. They were able to locate me, the firefighters held the car stable for me as I climbed out and jumped down. They guided me through the field and pathway my car made through the field. When we arrived to the closest road I saw where we were and asked them
“How the hell did I get here?”
One firefighter said, “that’s what we’d like to know too”.
I was no longer by Walmart, I had driven through actual other streets with traffic to get where I was, about a mile at least, and didn’t even remember doing so while being passed out. I was confused, disoriented. I thought I had teleported here. A sense of doom, why did God do this to me then allow me to live. Goddamnit I am Lucifer he wants me to live to fuck up this planet, I thought.
In the ambulance on the way to the hospital I continued apologizing for being Lucifer to the paramedic team that walked me out of the marsh…
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I had a similar experience where I became unsure if the thing happening to me was so uncertain that I feared that I was becoming delusional, one respite was that it happened during a dream I was having. I was flying through the air, felt disembodied, but like in a plane, a plane I couldn’t see, and it was from Los Angeles to somewhere back east , maybe to Cape Cod, where I spent vacations there with my grandmother.
The flight was routine, and then midway an announcement came that we are passing over Minneapolis now, and I thought it would be great if I could see mom there , and as soon I thought that, we landed and I was in a place mom was supposed to be in. Never thinkin hey, that’s strange because mom is dead, so entering saw a lot of old strangers I have never seen, and asked about mom. They reassured me that she is fine and resting comfortably and don’t you worry we are caring for her.then I woke up and told this dream to a friend I had at the time, and he assured me I was in a state best described by an often shared experience .
That he belonged to a religion named Eckankar, and these types of experiences are not hallucinations, but real happenings.
At the time it didn’t mean much to me, but at this very time recounting the experience, the thought occurred that mom IS really still there, because she spent the happiest time there leaving the old country, apart from spending very messed up times in the old country, for to wars, revolutions, social stigmatizations of various times, and coming to America was her holiest sense of what freedom could be.
My particular brand of madness closely related to her messed up childhood, some of which had direct association to her’s because we came to America together.
Later I saw myself in things like the film : Hitchcock’s psycho, Hesse’s novel ‘Damien’ ,and a lot of beat literature dealing with mother-son relationships, like AllenGinsberg’s with his mother, ….
I felt her vulnerability just before she passed, and appeared weirdly ghostly regressed into the small girl she was. It was a ‘sight’ I will always remember, it lasted just for an instance.
Though my experience consisted of being in a dream state, an unconsciously hidden state I thought was really happening, so that level of conscious realization further down from your actual experience,
Just spitballing here, but you internalized a very spiritually abusive family’s values when you identified as the black sheep to the point of considering yourself someone people think is Satan. The way to avoid being so suggestible is to know the truth. Learn so much about their own religion that you can correct them and lead them back to it— or away from it, if you deem it to still be as horrible as what they taught you. If they are receptive (and alive), of course.
It’s very interesting that you had no memory of how you got there. I wonder who drove that car when you were “gone”?
You go from praying for guidance, to being Lucifer. We know that the passage and your parents were fresh in your mind. Let’s revisit this part:
Since we already saw that the message was not from God—the abortion statement is evil, for one—and you noted a reread of a passage corrected one misunderstanding about Michael— …Can you see how knowing the truth about what the Bible actually says may have served as a preventative against your off-roading adventure?
Hold every “imagined vision” captive …
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
2 Corinthians 10:5
You didn’t wanna be the antichrist—is that still true after you understand what it means?I’m presuming yes. God is not going to ask you to do something you do not want to do that is evil.
For example, in the case of Pharaoh and Judas, he merely confirmed their wills. Just as he does when he allows our evil choices because he will not violate consent.
I’m not going to reference anything anymore at this point (this morning, at least). Read the entire Bible 500 bajillion times or until you understand it and all the other people’s (at least 3 major ones) commentaries.
I’m ready for more story 
… As I opened the passenger side window I noticed the water had stopped rushing in. Apparently I was in a shallow marsh. I couldn’t climb out the passenger door as the car was teetering on its side a bit as I attempted, I did not want the car to fall and crush me if I attempted to get out. So I stayed and called 911, apologizing profusely for being Lucifer. I cried to the operator, “I believe I committed a mortal sin, I think I’m unforgiven.” The song Unforgiven by Metallica ran through my mind.
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Your description seems more a real recollection then the dream I was obliged to participate in my dream, which appears more like a dream within a dream,
… In the ambulance the paramedic was asking a lot of questions. No drugs, no I don’t know how I got where I was, I did mention I had a bipolar episode over 20 years ago. My thoughts in the ride while I spoke to the attending paramedic was a mix between me trying to understand what happened, trying to understand myself as a future mental patient and doing and saying what it takes to insure I wasn’t going to get committed. I didn’t do a good job, as I was placed in the ER and all my belongings were taken from me. I’ve been in this situation before and every time they took my belongings, I was committed. I had probably said too much already, particularly in the recorded 911 call. There was too much evidence against me that I thought I was Lucifer. I knew if I continued to believe I was Lucifer, I would be committed. I was afraid of my beliefs. I reasoned that I was likely bipolar experiencing a manic episode, but my beliefs were still fairly strong. I imagined alternate dimensions of the same self in the same point in time. One version of me that became clearer than the rest was certainly more evil than I was now. I imagined his voice in my mind, or it was communicated to me, “I am the God of Fuck” he said. It was certainly my voice, but with a deeper, darker tone of voice. Fuck translated to me as “for unlawful carnal knowledge”. Where I got that definition from I don’t know, but I immediately thought I ate too much of the apple of knowledge. I knew too much. I don’t think it meant sexual knowledge specifically, just I knew too much of evil. I had eaten from a rotten apple presented by the great serpent. A version of me in a parallel dimension confirmed that for me. I still resisted and begged for forgiveness. At this point it was more welcoming to just accept my fate as experiencing a manic episode. I did know I felt good. I had somewhat of a lunatic high. I felt powerful. My mind was imagining things with such clarity and speed that it almost seemed as if it could manifest itself into physical reality under the power of my mind alone. This certainly could be bipolar, or it could certainly mean I am Lucifer. One things for sure, if I continue believing I’m lucifer, they aren’t going to let me out of the hospital.
Oddly enough, for someone who thought he was lucifer, I wasn’t tied down. I was able to roam the ER freely and go to the bathroom. Such madness, I thought. Someone who thinks they are lucifer is able to freely roam the ER, walk right up to the nurse station or walk into any ER room and start snapping necks. Maybe they didn’t know I thought I was Lucifer… but then why did they take my possessions, including my phone? Perhaps because I passed out at the wheel, maybe that is all they knew? These questions I still don’t have answers to at the time of writing, however I felt they played a very dangerous game with me in the ER. The hospital was poorly equipped to handle the likes of Lucifer, let alone someone who believed they were Lucifer, they took zero precautions against someone like me. Perhaps they knew I was afraid of myself and had pity. I most certainly was afraid of myself more than anything in the world at the time, as I was either flat out delusional or of course, Lucifer himself…
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Again similarities and differences: I did get to be tied down because some friends of a friend I knew died me with large portions of LSD. Then I was taken to the police station to determine where I got it.
Second I did meet the devil as well, but did not think it was me, but through a Faustian deal tried to make an unhealthy pact with him, who I think became my nemesis, to take me out of an insolvable problem.
Course a deal with It is not a good one, but the necessity for it became evident that it has garnered me into a widened sphere of affectance, that is meant for the greater, wider good.
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Was that a couple of decades back?
Do you feel fully recovered, from that and the Covid shot?
.
Consume things (more) wisely…
Well, you’ve forced my hand with the repeated Lucifer stuff:
If you read that, see my previous comment on antichrist.
So this happened on the 16th. Was it a 72-hour hold & they let you out? I’m assuming, or they at least gave you Internet access.
Now I’m seeing some conflicting details. You said you had an episode over 20 years ago. One episode is not a diagnosis, or am I mistaken? Also, you said that every time they take your possessions you’re committed. That leads me to believe there was more than one episode, which would make the diagnosis make sense. Maybe the “over 20 years ago” thing just means you used to have episodes before that and your last one was over 20 years ago?
Is that common with bipolar disorder — to basically go dormant and relapse over two decades later?
What sort of production do you schedule? Is a career change out of the question?
As I understand it, nowadays, to be committed against your will, you have to be a harm to yourself or others. Someone who thinks they are a version of Lucifer who apologizes profusely and prays for forgiveness is not a harm to self or others. However, you did block out when you were driving and drive yourself into a marsh and require 911’s assistance (whilst thinking you were Lucifer), so that would explain being committed—at least on a 72-hour hold. At least that’s how things work where I live.
I suppose. But I had some friends back then more than a couple of decades back, whom were trusted not to have the sort of prank that caused flashback since, no fun, and I if the description meant me, then no, I was taken to a police station to check out where I got it, and can give leads on who gave it to me, so I was not about to rat them out, for obvious reasons.
And the dragon metaphore is a pro po, to various heroic attempts to literally hunt down that which took possession me for deals of made prior to this incarnation.
I had multiple episodes over 20 years ago. Was diagnosed with Bipolar, schizoaffective, with psychosis.
I don’t think its common to be relatively dormant for 20 years but I don’t know much about that myself.
I schedule production of any type, no I don’t want a career change. Will continue working, the reason for the stress was not my career, it was some of the people I work with currently.
What kinds of methods did you use back then that helped you manage your symptoms?
So you still work with them currently. That’s a good thing, right? I guess I am getting ahead of the story because what I want to ask is …do you have a game plan for how to manage the issues of disagreement? Or did something click for them and they understand where you’re coming from now? Did everyone have a chance to discuss everything and work out something that works for everyone?
I’ll shut up and just listen to you tell the story.
I ended with Abilify then and use Abilify now, so that’s good because yes I have a gameplan, everyone understands where I am coming from including my doctors and family and yes I agree to remain on meds for as long as it takes again.
Meno… Thought I’d share this. May be relevant to Michael, as well: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1104698-then-i-fell-at-his-feet-and-thought-surely-this
As long as it takes to do what? What changes about your behavior, or the way you frame things around you (internally in your intrusive thoughts, & externally) besides just taking a med? I apologize if this question is too personal. I am genuinely interested in your game plan.
Thanks
Trying to fit the pieces together, before seeing but a general outline… , trending the progression of the flow of events piece by piece , as they occur, I feel as though it’s making sense /literally & it always has been the case, that it’s worth it for the Greater Good, at least I feel that’s the point .
Hope this feeling is not too off it’s mark
As long as it takes for the psychiatrist I see to agree that I can go off meds again. I have a good support system unfortunately I chose to ignore the warning signs I myself saw, because I felt good. I mean very good, like I should have known it was mania but I decided to ignore it. I know that’s a warning sign I should have heeded. My family saw it too but did not act fast enough. In any case, I have to rethink the way I react to my own feelings. The prior year I caught it quickly. For some reason I decided to risk it. In any case, it was a bad decision. Going forward, I’m working on a revised game plan with my psychiatrist.
Well it sounds like you’re in a good space. However, maybe you can tame the delusions without making the good feelings go away? I hope you do try to get your questions answered before you need to worry about that again.
Usually having good feelings is a sign of health. But it’s also a sign that you’re in love, which means you’re completely mad. Follow me for more advice.
I look forward to your story just getting better and better ;^)
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