Some of the ryhme felt a bit forced. It didn’t flow quite as smoothly as it could. The content of the poem was rather cliche driven. The woe is me! Angsty bite. And that’s not altogether awful…but it is a little trite.
‘Its too late…
I am now forced to hate…
Myself or he…
Because of this…’
OK. This isn’t really poetic at all. But you reveal the object of the poem. A mysterious ‘he’ that some how has you ‘Incapasitated by desire’ (like this idea) which I assume leads the reader to suggest there is some romantic connection or mutual feeling. This is were the poem should come from. This as of yet unspoken ‘desire’ and ‘anguish’. Show yourself!!
Bessy, I was only trying to give a little constructive criticism. The piece has a lot of emotion-emoshun I just think Hassooni should keep writing and try and show more, construct more. All in all it’s a decent wee personal note.
