Inigo knocks on the door.
Miracle Max: Go away. Inigo continues knocking. A face appears through a small door on the main door. What, what?
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
Miracle Max: The King’s stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We’re closed. He closes the little door. They knock again. Beat it, or I’ll call the brute squad!
Fezzik: I’m on the brute squad.
Miracle Max: Sizing up Fezzik. You ARE the brute squad.
Inigo: We need a miracle. It’s very important.
Miracle Max: Look, I’m retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King’s stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He’s already dead.
Miracle Max: He is, huh? I’ll take a look. Bring him in.
They enter. Westley is laid on the table. Max examines him. He picks up Westley’s hand and lets it drop.
Miracle Max: I’ve seen worse.
Inigo: Whispering. Sir… sir??
Miracle Max: Huh?
Inigo: We’re in a terrible rush.
Miracle Max: Don’t rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Miracle Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is… crippled. The children are on the brink of starvation.
Miracle Max: Are you a rotten liar!
Inigo: Fervently. I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Miracle Max: Your first story was better. Where’s that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I’ll ask him.
Inigo: He’s dead. He can’t talk.
Miracle Max: Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Puts the bellows to Westley’s mouth, and blows air in. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead… well, with all dead, there’s usually only one thing that you can do.
Inigo: What’s that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Removes the bellows. Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What’s so important? What you got here that’s worth living for? Pushes on Westley’s abdomen.
Westley: t-r-u-e l-o-v-e.
Inigo: “True Love”, you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Miracle Max: Sonny, True Love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT— mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. Makes puckering sound. They’re so perky. I love that. But that’s not what he said— he distinctly said “To blave” and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated–
A little old lady storms into the room.
Valerie: Liar! Liar! Lia----r!
Miracle Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I’m not a witch, I’m your wife, but after what you just said, I’m not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Miracle Max: You never had it so good.
Valerie: True Love, he said “True Love”, Max. My God.
Miracle Max: Don’t say another word, Valerie.
Valerie: He’s afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Miracle Max: Why’d you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie: What… Humperdinck?
Miracle Max: Aaaigh!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Miracle Max: I’m not listening.
Valerie: True love lies expiring, and you don’t have the decency to say why you won’t help.
Miracle Max: Nobody’s hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Continues while Inigo speaks.
Inigo: This is Buttercup’s True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck’s wedding.
Miracle Max: Shah! Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore.
Miracle Max: Ha ha ha! Hi dah lig dah lah nay juh! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I’m on the job.
Valerie: Woo-woo!
Time Lapse. Valerie is coating the pill with chocolate
Inigo: That’s a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn’t go in swimming after for at least-- what?
Miracle Max: An hour–
Valerie: Yeah, an hour–
Miracle Max: A good hour. Here. Gives them the pill.
Inigo: Thank you for everything.
Miracle Max: Okay.
Valerie: Bye-bye, boys!
Miracle Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: Think it’ll work?
Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.
Miracle Max: Bye-bye!!
Valerie: Bye.
Segue to village.
