My descent into madness...

Philosophy Forums Psychology and Mind
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So i’ve been ‘living’ with ME/CFS for nearly 5 years now; I’m mostly housebound and heavily dependent on family for even simple things.

During these years though, and in spite of increasing cognitive impairment, in general my clarity of thought has rocketed! I don’t know why or what is causing this (I have a theory) but it is as though I feel myself becoming more intelligent & observant as the time has gone by.

I’m at a point now where it is difficult to mentally suppress the pain in my body, and cracks are beginning to show - cognitive impairment is worsening and i have very little patience any more.

Writing can be a difficult task, so I try to record my ideas/philosophies on a tape recorder. If I didn’t do this I may already be in the grips of madness already. It acts as the only outlet I have for my intellect; I have no friends any more despite previously having a very busy social life.

BUT…

In a way I’m happier now than I have been at any poinnt since before I got sick. In fact its not that simple: it is like I am unhappy for myself when I think of my situation/future, but most of the time I spend thinking about the world and world affairs.
Along the way it seems I lost my human need to care what others think of me/my appearance/my tastes etc…
And this, in turn, has seemingly led to a feeling of “cultural liberation”, i guess.
Additionally, I no longer fear death or pains caused by trauma (eg. a punch to the head!)

To summarise (if i can lol) I think I should perhaps be concerned of the distance I am putting between myself and other people, but I am not. I’m aware that I’m distancing myself from a world I don’t like and that I see as deeply unjust and moronic, but for the first time in years I have self-esteem.

Should I not be embracing all of this in the way that I am?

Has anyone here ever been in a similar position?

If I seek psychiatric help, would the problem likely worsen being in someone else’s hands? Would I lose my newly acquired ‘fearlessness’ and self-esteem?

What are your thoughts? I’m interested to hear any and all advice (preferably constructive lol). :slight_smile:

Note: [i]Above i mentioned my ‘theory’ for these occurrences -

[ Because my body is in perpetual pain I have unconcsiously begun living more and more ‘in the mind’ over the years as opposed to ‘the body’. I distract myself using comedy, music, movies & books. Boredom hurts like hell, literally.
It was never my intention to follow this road so I see these occurrences the results of internal defense mechanisms to help deal with this like isolation from outside world and loss of self-esteem etc…
In many ways it could be likened to meditation, but instead happening unconcsiously over time rather than in a planned moment of deep concentration. ][/i]

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Hi there, thanks for posting such a real post, I salute your honesty, and wish you the best.

I totally get this part, it’s happening to me as well. Yes, liberation is a good word. I think this is part of maturing as a thinker and writer. You just are what you are, you just do what you do, and how this compares to somebody else matters less and less. I saw the writer Salmon Rushdie say this very thing in an interview once, and I jumped off the couch and hollered “YES!”.

Imho, it’s really difficult to see how confining the group consensus really is until one can get at least a bit outside of it. For me, it’s spending lots of time in nature, and realizing that we humans are not the big deal we think we are, but just a little crazy circus sideshow going on in the corner.

Wow, this is good stuff.

For myself, I wouldn’t say I’m that concerned, but I do recognize that every choice comes with a price tag. That includes being a hermit, or being a social butterfly, every choice includes a pay day and a price tag. Given that there is no escape from price tags, why not just be what we want to be?

I don’t know. I’ve not experienced the physical challenges you face, and won’t pretend I understand that. My only advice is, if it pleases you, please keep posting.

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Wow i feel like you did when you read Rushdie’s comments! I smiled reading the part about maturing into the person you are, so thanks; it made me feel like perhaps this was one thing that wasn’t the illness, but just the life situation it put me in (eg social & cultural isolation) and that others like me go through this too.

And that last part I could not have said better. It was like you were reading my mind when you mentioned nature, because I’ve just recently booked a holiday to a tiny islet in the Maldives and leave on July 4th (on my own for a week in a water villa). I know its not exactly Bear Grylls type stuff lol but I felt deep inside an urgent need to temporarily escape this ridiculous world and reconnect with nature - specifically the all-healing sea! And with my condition, travel to anywhere outside of the Tropics is not on the cards as I need the climate to function.
The island is 600m by 200m and I can walk around its beautiful beach without needing to stop!

Needless to say I can’t wait, but the inspiration to go there came from my newly-discovered love for marine geology, in particular, atolls. They are a natural rarity - unique and relatively new in the history of our planet. They also happen to be the most beautiful places in the world and the Indian Ocean reefs have over 700 different species of marine life so I can cnorkel in my ‘sea garden’ with turtles and rays and beautiful, brightly coloured reef fish!

One week in that place, I feel, may give me the breather I need and the strength to come back to this crazy world I know I cannot change in my position.

I was half-expecting an altogether different response, so I’m pleased to hear you can relate :slight_smile:

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I related strongly to the “social & cultural isolation” though perhaps mine came about in a different manner. Anything in excess is probably a bad idea, but some level of withdrawal from the group consensus routine is probably helpful to a writer. Isn’t the job of a writer to climb up the hill outside of town, and look back down upon the town with a fresh more detacted perspective?

Excellent! In our case, my wife and I are wildlife rehabbers. The more time I spend with birds and squirrels, the less interesting people seem to be.

Didn’t get to the beach this winter (the best season in Florida) and I’m feeling insufficiently healed. If you see me typing rowdy rubbish all over the forum, this is my excuse. :smiley:

Wow! Gonna bring a camera? Perhaps you could post some?

Ok, now I’m starting to get mad that I don’t get to do this. :smiley:

I do the very same thing, except in my case it’s a state park just 4 miles up the road, so I can go more often. And I really need to go regularly, or no shit, descending in to madness would be the title of all my threads too.

I apologize for not telling you that you that you’re wrong, Wrong, WRONG! I know it’s rude to leave that out, but I just couldn’t help myself. It won’t happen again, I promise! :smiley:

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Very good topic and response by typist. If I can make a comment on madness and art to help clarigy something which is coming to the fore. We’re ALL MAD, living in a mad, mad world. We put up a mask of sanity, to accommodate those around us, we forget the value of loneliness of being saturated in the beauty of nature, and we become ill. We become inauthentic and shy away from being with others. Khrishnamurti’s stuff is great to read when fearing a breakdown, so is Colin Wilson, (The Outsider) good luck on Your trip, write about it, so it can be shared.

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Are you a Jiddu Krishnamurti fan? That writer deserves a thread.

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Ha, that does sometimes strike me as the nature of this forum imho. That said, i’m probably as guilty as anyone else lol

Thaks for that I’d not heard of Jiddu Krishnamurti I’ll be sure to check out his work. :slight_smile:
I always look for more positive books for holiday reading - i usually go for the Dalai Lama because most of the books I read are critique’s on Western society and history (whether they are written as such or not)

EDIT: Just found this; how much does this remind you of a typical ILP debate?.. :slight_smile:
[u]
Krishnamurti’s namesake U.G. Krishnamurti related that the two had almost daily discussions for a while, which he asserted were not providing satisfactory answers to his questions. Finally, their meetings came to a halt. He described part of the final discussion:

"And then, towards the end, I insisted, "Come on, is there anything behind the abstractions you are throwing at me?" And that chappie said, "You have no way of knowing it for yourself". Finish – that was the end of our relationship, you see – "If I have no way of knowing it, you have no way of communicating it. What the hell are we doing? I've wasted seven years. Goodbye, I don't want to see you again". Then I walked out."[149]

[/u]

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Familiar with the 2 Khrishnamurti’s. Its very conceptual stuff. The more conservative one. How I came to know Jeddu. One day, through oranges of bush (henry miller). I was elated, thought there is “out” from a no exit scenario of concept ridden sartre(nausea). Khrishnamurti is very conceptual in his metaphysics. Was delighted. So its no bummer to think that so what, if sex, rugs and rock and roll is sort of a stasis, why not try something different. I felt he was hurtling things at me. So far ahead of time, (mine or his?) Out of mind loneliness, the siamese cat on the shoulder of bob dylan, only friends are the ones I read about, no reel friends maybe bogie in to have and to have not. Journey in-out. (Closet full of tricks now faded–only the beat --goes on, but rapping on a rain less roof, cat on hot tin

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Ha, ha!!! :smiley: Oh that’s excellent. Yep, those two guys would fit in perfectly here. The battle of the Krishnamurtis coming soon to a thread near you.

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Great talk. Informative. Martin buber tried to place the I/Though relationship on a Kantian pre-broken level. If not, sequels could not be remade on any level, and any two guys could not hope for more. What’s the difference between an acutely aware self described artist like Salvador Dali and a one describes illusion as reality only by metaphor? Answer probably none, both are driven. Could be there a sequel? (Madness is nothing else but a process of value exchange, expression is difficult where meaning is confused between style and word association. Association is a function of levels, levels is a function of structural integrity, structural integrity depends on contextuality, contextuality effects the self, and the self then is free, As LONG AS you can be True to freedom. Is there a sequel?

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Thanks Obe.

Im not quite sure what you are saying though if I’m completely honest. I think the style you write in is one I’m just not used to; i tend not to read many academic books and never studied at university.
To be more specific: I’ve never read Kant, I don’t know who Martin Buber is and I don’t know what you mean when you talk of sequels?

:slight_smile:

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I tend to use this kind of free flow style, loose associations, to express feelings too hurtful to write in conventional prose. I would say if you would, that loneliness likes company, and for that reason alone, I too express my thank You for Your honesty. I take it from the way You write, that You are from Australia. I am from California, I too, like typist, love the beach, and I too, have not been there this summer. The only thing I wanted to say about kant is that he held a view that our feelings about people, things, can generally be intuited, without us actually going out and “proving them” for instance, you may know me only from my lines, whereas you would be hard pressed to describe me visually, or even personality wise. It is true, that people get beyond other people’s opinion of them, and it does a person good. I hope to find your blogs on this and other forums.

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Thanks mate for the kind words :slight_smile:

Im actually from UK but close lol :wink:

I dont read much philosophy, but tis good to hear one of the great Modern thinkers held such a view. For a name like Kant has credibility and demands attention. Something tells me if somebody went to see a shrink and spoke of the very same stuff you’d find in many books of philosophy, they’d be labelle a quack - such is testament to the way ‘thinking “inside” the box’ has become a conformity.

Perhaps all the great thinkers were ‘coo-coo’ lol - the idea certainly makes me feel better lol :slight_smile: