My Own Devices

I am a married man with a consuming career. I am combly, I shave at least twice a week, I’m well-bathed, fit and I eat on a routine schedule. I watch a combination of date movies or guy movies, the occassional art film, sitcoms. I even READ BOOKS. But before I was collared and broken, there were long stretches of time where I was LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES. It was not a pretty sight. LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES I am an animal. A festering, debaucherous and horrible cancer of a man who roams the earth with Skittles on his breath and cumstains on his sweatpants. Here are a few of the things I was guilty of when LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES.

  1. Long, messy hair devoid of style.
  2. Perpetual 7-day beard growth.
  3. The same clothes every other day.

(So far so good, do not be fooled.)

  1. Food & Movies: Rent two pornos (guy on girl, titles with the word “anal” of course) and two scary movies, a giant loaf of bread, a pint of chili and a pint of ice cream, an entenman’s raspberry CRINGLE. Hollow out the LOAF of bread itself, dump the chili into it, and gnaw on the monster sandwich for hours while alternating between the porn and the dumb thrillers that girls hate, on my back, and increasinglly bloated. When the porn finally loses its appeal (I wonder why) it’s onto the second scary movie and the dessert portion of the evening, involving the packaging as serving receptacle and a plastic spoon. I eat the CRINGLE with a spoon. There is something subtly horrifying about a man eating CRINGLE with a plastic spoon, directly from the box…it forbodes sinister things.

  2. Laziness; the “piss bowl.” It’s 3 am, I’m sleeping off the CRINGLE, and my poor prostate thinks it just impregnated a village and it wants to produce a continuing stream of urine as a celebration. Hence the tupperware next to my bed, so I can avoid the long, tedious TREK to my tiny bathroom that lies a vast, grueling journey of twelve feet away. Unlike Moses, I cower at the prospect of such a journey, and I relieve myself in the bowl and stow it under my bed, to be disposed of later, in a sanitary way, if such a thing is possible. The bowl will linger for days as my busy schedule combined with chronic sloth and procrastination make dealing with the issue of the piss bowl impossible on a regular basis. i am told many artists do this same thing, especially when they are depressed or dealing with long, unexpected bouts of sexual abstinence.

  3. Internet porn: It began innocently enough in 1995. I entered “boobies.” Then I had the guts to enter “sex” into the search engine. Then I tired of “sex” as any OMNIPOTENT sex-seeking patron would, and I started EXPANDING my repetoire of what I found “stimulating.” There are still a few categories that remain “ahead” of me. I’m not yet “ready” (to the dismay of several well-meaning popups) to enjoy people vomiting or defecating on eachother, nor do I want to see dogs fucking women from behind, people getting spanked or raped, or cartoons of Marge Simpson engaged in incestual relations. Unless the women, in the aforementioned items are very, very hot. And young. Which brings me to the term “lolitas,” but I digress. Eventually one discovers that they can be attracted to a surprising variety of bizarre things, things that would make Howard Stern blush. This is the kind of escalation that occurs when a strapping, healthy, grounded young squire is LEFT TO HIS OWN DEVICES.

  4. ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOR • This topic covers the phenom of GROUPS of men/boys LEFT TO THEIR OWN DEVICES. A synergy of enabling occurs, and these roving bands of Clockwork Orange-inspired misfits roam the countryside/cityscape with infectious abandon. There will be the YELLING game, where you yell out an obsenity or otherwise disturbing remark IN PUBLIC, something you would never do were you alone lest you be mistaken for a lunatic. Safety on numbers, and encouragement from BUDDIES will let you yell the word DILDO in a crowded suburban mall. Later, over your Italian beef and fries you will think nothing of it. nor will it phase you to flick a large wad of Wacky Fruit Bubble Yum across the room and let it land WHERE IT MAY. There will also be other vandalisms. Items like paper towel dispensers will be defiled. And at chic Manhattan bars you will amuse your friends by swizzling your flaccid penis in the vodka martini of a girl you knew in highschool – knowing full well that she would be angry but tolerant, being more or less immune to such things having grown up in the presence of such idiocy. Then there will be the countless blowoffs of friends and families, unreturned messages, and the infamous HORRIBLY WRAPPED BIRTHDAY PRESENT SYNDROME that plagues single men of all ages. It involves surrounding the lame gift with a paper source, and sticking a bunch of tape on it at DUTCH ANGLES, but not merely for cinematic irony.

  5. THE CRUELTY: At such time one discovers mental ability far exceeding his station in life, the insecure alpha male will quickly take to what he calls “blowing the minds” of unsuspecting girls at keg parties. It begins with establishing superiority, beguiling them with confident but lame riffing and inside jokes with WINGMEN, and then the seering, acid-tongued summation of the hypocracy, weakness, lunacy behind the girls’ motives, abilities and undertakings since the day they were born through the day they die. You will SPELL IT OUT and be damn proud. The girl, who now loves you, will call you an asshole. You will also tell your friend to “GET OVER YOURSELF” and on slow nights the group of raging idiots you call colleagues will take to picking apart eachothers insecurities, for sport. You will drive to Bennigan’s for late night munchies, smoke from a one-hitter in the bathroom, and talk about things you did in eighth grade. This, when you are LEFT TO YOUR OWN DEVICES.

There are more, but I feel I should stop here. My point is multifaceted and you can get what you can from all this. For me though, it is simply to say that I am glad I am married, grounded and healthy. I am almost never LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES. And if I were, I’d probably be doing what I’m doing now. Writing this. Getting it all down in case I die or something. No, I’d be eating a calzone and watching Halloween 3, Season Of The Witch. Thank God for women.

That was brilliant as usual and certainly I can relate. However, now I’m worried that you’re going to become a Catholic saint.

Who will one day rule the world…as they should…

…in phase five (coming soon to a philosophy board near you).

I’m beginning to believe that you are a computer program, Gamer. Do you pull this shit out of your ass, or do you arrange it like a flower basket, carefully and piquantly?

Adler, you’ve been warned about avatars like that before. I like them but we don’t want to be accidentally making people ill…

Adler – I wanted to leave that comment alone, but I have to reassert that I reject religion. I like kindness like a bear likes honey. I credit that to moral darwinism. I coexist with the mystery of the universe without trying to resolve it. please don’t imply I’d ever go religious. And if I get your point, no, I’m not repressed. Just redirected.

Adlerian, because my computer is so old, when I scroll up or down, the flashing images in your avatar are slowed so that I can make them out. Tell me, there’s one dude in there that looks like a video-game character I swear I have seen somewhere before. Possible on the X-box. Am I right? If so, what game is it?

Detrop, it’s just a labor of love that has evolved into unconscious competence.

SIATD:

“Office Space,” right?

Remember the scene when that guy is singing a rap song in his car while driving to work…then, a black-dude walks by and he becomes embarrased, then cowers in shame?

Hilarious.

I will make that one less flashy. I wanted a melding of the faces!

Detrop,

That face is from Magic The Gathering I believe!

Gamer,

I was not saying that you are repressed at all! I thought that it read like, is it Thomas Aquinas, the guy that wrote all about his former life as a sinner before his religious conversion.

I enjoyed it and was only joking.

I dunno where the avatar is from, I just thought that it suited the ‘editor’ tag…

But yes, I remember Office Space well, a very funny film in moments

No, no, no you idiots. This isn’t yet another place to shoot the shit randomly. This is sacred ground where you can either: a. tell me you liked my little essay, or b. contribute things you have done when “LEFT TO YOUR OWN DEVICES” and how it might relate to philosophy/sociology or some other high-minded enterprise. Come on, some decorum. Please. You’re all snippy and brilliant. We get it. Now on to the topic at hand.

I’m surprised at someone of your insight missing this point but:

This is what we do when left to our own devices.

I haven’t missed that point. But I ask that you contribute some “episodes” so that I may derive some of the pleasure I’ve so generously afforded many of you.

However, I thought that this piece was hilarious in places, in particular the phrase ‘Unlike Moses’…

‘Well meaning popups’ had me chuckling so hard that I nearly choked on my slice of pizza

I once invited a ‘friend’ around and we decided to make a cocktail of all the varieties of liquor that we could find blended together that was extremely sickly and potent. We drank it regardless then had a brief punching match. Then we stole two small bottles of nail polish and covered the top of a small, circular coffee table with the stuff and set fire to it. Now, I don’t know if any of you have had the fortune to witness what happens but it isn’t pretty. There was a lot of black smoke. Needless to say this would not have happened had there been a woman around…

A few to keep you occupied, Gamer:

I fell through the tiles while climbing through the ceiling in an attempt to escape from Dorthea Dix hospital, a mental institution. It was a real life ‘Breakfast Club’ situation. I thought for sure I’d find a air exhaust vent which exited the building somewhere, which I planned to jump from. Fate had it that I fell through the tiles and landed directly in the middle of the nurses station, surrounded by the staff. I was put into a seclusion room for thirty days.

I was busted for writing a letter to a female staff member of my third-grade day care center, requesting that she have sex with me. What I was thinking…I dunno…only that I was an early bloomer I guess.

I was once zooming down a hill on my bicycle, at nineteen years of age, and a car pulled out in front of me just as I crossed the entrance to a gas station. In 1/10th of a moment, I literally jumped off the seat of my bike and over the hood of the car, landing safely, on my feet, on the other side of the car. Although of course I fell forward because of physics. It was at that point in my life that I realized I had super powers.

That’s enough for now. I think the first and the last scenarios would have been avoided if a woman was around, however the second scenario was, ironically, a result of the quest to find a woman.

Pure lol joy, both NSAID and Detrop. Better than fiction. I think we’ve ALL learned something today.

You think I’m bullshitting you about that bike incident. You are picturing the event in your head and you just don’t see it happening. You don’t see the trajectory working out like it did. You see me snagging my legs on the handle bars and sliding across the hood on my face.

Well goddamit I made it, Gamer! I flew over that fucking car like superman, and I don’t care what you think.

This sounds famliar! Whenever you cross the paths of the relative juggernauts of Dunamis or myself, you land on your feet despite all odds…and the only one who believes it is you. Detrop I have to work very hard to avoid this becoming a mutual admiration society, but I’ll say it once now and then go back to being mean. Enjoy, cause this is the only time I’ll say it. Well played. Exceedingly well played. Now and always. Now shut the fuck up you sweaty freak.

“If only you could use your powers for good.”