My world view, seeking feedback

What I call my SELF and you call Bill is only a collection of opinions, it is only an idea. It is not the reality of who I am.

My idea of who Bill is is just as unreal as your idea of who I am, perhaps even more so, as I am definetly biased due to being overly attached to this particular idea. Although I am sure my version of Bill is a much more elaborate one than is yours I fully realise it is still an illuision, a story I tell myself.

Because almost every one I have ever met or am likely to meet tells me I am Bill, I find it hard not to believe their stories. For most of my life those stories became my story, I believed I was Bill.  When I was very young, before I invented my version of Bill, with the help of all those who told me who he was, I was whole, every action I performed was perfect and always appropriate, I needed nothing but food, water, sleep and my mothers love to remain competely content and at peace. Not being aware  of the consept of haveing a future I had not yet learned to worry. Knowing only that I am, I knew nothing of who I was or what I was, nor did I care too.

 Still I know nothing of who or what I really am so in a way I have learned nothing of any value, all I have is ideas, but I do care now and am very curiouse about it all. At some point, or during the last few years it seems that part of my mind that I call my SELF has expanded to include more of the world around me, while at the same time some parts have gotten not so much smaller as quieter. It may sound at times like there are 2 people in my head, this is not the case, Bill is a part of my SELF but not the whole of me. It seems I now spend much of my time as the observer, or simply immersed in what I call the "flow". Ocasionally I form attachments without being aware of doing so then I can still slip into what I call the "old Bill", and become manipulative, sometimes this is even approptriate.

 Now I watch from the eyes of this body called Bill, his eyes are also mine, hence we can not see each other clearly with out mirrors such as yourself. Honest mirrors wich do not distort are very rare, and to me very valuable. The reality is that I am the keeper of Bill`s bioghraphy, I am not the one who controls what will happen to him, but I do have a good idea how his story ends. I am the one who watchs Bill, and in a sense creates him...or at least the story he tells himself about who and what he is. He is also a part of me, we share all of the emotions and pain of this body/mind known as Bill. I have free will to try  to make the idea/dream/story of Bill into any thing I desire it to be...or perhaps to just let go of it competely. I have however become VERY attached to the idea I call Bill, so much so, that even though I understand that he is just a memeory,  an idea, and as such not real, I often forget that. In fact ANY ideas I have are just that ideas, not realitity. They are however as real as it gets for me, at least so far.

 Words are to me like fingers pointing at something, like a hand that points they are not important unless they point to something usefull, and serve to help others to see it. Please do not worry too much about the words, try to see what they point at instead. When I say GOD understand that the word has no meaning to me, it means whatever it means to you. I could as easily use any name, Alla, Budda,  or if you like or something not personal like Tao. I will refer to God as both femine and masculine or as niether or even as no thing at all. In trying to follow my meanings you might at first see a lot of enigmas, sorry but that is the way it is, for me the enigmas and "catch 22" parts make sense because of experiences I have had. I am not sure they will make sense to others who have not had similar experiences in thier lives. At any rate it took me a few years to make this much sense of the experiences, and I am not done yet. If these words have any power at all  to help any one other than me that which they point to is the source of that power, not the story I call Bill. I use the words I do and refer to certain rituals from different spiritual paths not because I believe them better or worse than any other but only because I wish to share my own experience with trying to find out who/what I am.

 I say now that this is a spirtual thing for me, religion has no part in my life and I believe nothing I am told by any one without checking it out for myself as best I can. I have a deep distrust of organized religions  or any one who tells me they KNOW anything at all about GOD or what he wants from us. If any one tries to tell me what GOD wants me to do, or not to do I don`t walk away, I run. I see egos very clearly I believe, and am deeply suspisious of any one who uses religion or spirtuality to inflate their own ego or manipulate that of others...from my perspective this includes almost all of the religious leaders I know of. To me it seems they are all missing the whole point. However, that said I may still often  be perfectly ok with someone who does exactly these things, even if it involves spirtual leaders. So long as I don`t percieve it as being done to intentionaly cause harm to someone I will usually say nothing and have no problem with it. I may even do such things myself, I am human after all, although I hope I am more aware now of my motives and "step more carefully"  now than I used to. I KNOW NOTHING AT ALL BEYOND THE FACT THAT I AM, all I desire in writting this is to point at something I have experienced for those who care to look. To as clearly as is possible share my point of view, not to sell it to any one or to be validated by them. I do welcome discussion of these ideas so long as it not judgmental of me, I did not ask for these experiences (well, actualy I did, but I had no idea what I was asking for) or ideas to become real to me, it is just the way it is.

 This stuff is personal and very intimate. Not all the words are wholely my own, they are just the best words I could find or think of to express my ideas. You may think I am competely crazy, or just a little flaky, whatever, if you can relate fine, if not that is ok too, just forget you ever read this. (some "gurus" I know of would tell you that is the best thing to do with it any way, others would tell you to meditate on it) I ask only this of you, if you share this with any one, wich is perfectly ok with me, please don`t use my name. Its not important who`s hand it is that points. Really, I mean it, for many reasons I don`t ever want my body/ego/name to be assosciated with this publicly. If you meet some one who wants to ask me about it or discuss something about it ask me, chances are I would be happy to talk with them, one on one. I am not seeking to be judged or ridiculed, nor even validated. I am no longer seeking any thing exept self discovery, I collect experiences not things, not even nowledge. I greatly value and count as true freinds those who can help me to know myself better in this way.

I have experienced this wholeness of wich I will speak of first,  a sense of every thing being inside of me, and me being every where and no where all at the same time, past, present and future where experienced as being now, all the boundries by wich I defined myself dissapeared for a few minutes or seconds. I could quite litteraly feel the wind in my leaves, and the roots of the grass in me, living in me, while at the same time I was also the grass and the wind too. I thought that this is what it must feel like to be GOD, later one phsyciatrist I spoke to told me I was describing a "disociative" episode. The absence of personal bounderies, some might also say it was like "enlightenment", though of a temporary sort. This happened in a inipi cerimony (a sweat lodge) during which I was "meditating". The place or ritual was not important, it could have happened any where I think. However I do NOT believe in coinsidences any more, there have been far too many in my life. At the time I certainly attributted it to my prayers etc. and the cerimony, and maybe it was, I don`t know.

 A few years later during a ceremony called "hanblechia", I experienced what I think of as "medicine wheels" (wheels of light or energy) I could see and hear them in the no where place, when I was no one. The literal translation of "hanblechia" is I think "crying for a dream" it is commonly called by most north americans a vision quest....this particular brand comes from the Lakota people, who`s ceremonies I greatly enjoy and still practice. There are different ways this "quest" is undertaken, mine was in a dark pit in the earth, for 4 days. Some people might call this experience a vision, to me it is just an experience.

 It was like I suddenly awoke amongst these "wheels" from a deep meditation, I was not asleep and had only actually been in the pit a few hours. They where alive I think, but only as potential, individual beings that seemed very exited by my "presence" amongst them. I think at the time, in this place, I was a "wheel" too, but perhaps of a more rare sort....at least in that place. I think at some base level we all are "wheels", I also think this may be the place our "soul" goes when our bodies die...that the "wheels" might in fact have been "souls". At the time this 2nd experience terrified me, again I was meditating, this time very deeply, only the "observer" part of my psyche was present, the "Bill`s story" part of me or higher ego was totaly silent. As soon as "Bill" woke up I became afraid and the "vision" ended, in all I was in that "no where" place for maybe 20 seconds or so. It was the extreme loudness of these "wheels" wich scared me, thier intensity, like lightning or the sounds of arc welding and heavy machinery. They did not seem threatening, I just was not prepared for such an experience. It felt as if the "wheels" where trying to show me something, to communicate with me or take me some where, but I could not get past my own fear of this unknown. It was as if I just sort of woke up there, or more like my "ego" woke up and that part did not belong there and became very frightened. At any rate at that time I was still seeing myself solely as the story called "Bill", and could not remain in my meditative state in the face of this fear. In this place the observer part could be present but the identified ego just plain did not belong here, or at least not one as timid as mine.
 It was as if any will experienced by the "ego" did not belong there, I/Bill could only remain if I was totaly non-responsive, only observing. This while being terrified and wanting to run, while a part of me was saying this is what you came here for...I was simpily not prepared and much too scared to remain.
 One person I know uses a term called "concisnous unaware of its self", or "emersed in the flow" when in this state I belonged, when the ego was present I could not remain, perhaps if the ego where so unattached to its idea of self as to be without fear it would be able to remain?.

I have had a few other experiences similar to these though not as intense, they are more like dreams and coincidences that may mean something or nothing. Often they are very emotionaly intense, but not as scary, as I don`t fear emotions the way I used too.( these "coinsidences" are in this world, but are also only in my head, in the pit when I saw the "wheels" "I" was literaly some where else) For awhile they often seemed connected to what I call the Red Road, that is, traditional Lakota spirtuality. (often just before or just after Sundance such coindidences are more common) Now they can be anything, anytime, I have tried let go of the attachment to the Lakota rituals, though I still try to honour the commitments I made during those rituals. I know people from other paths have had similar experiences, many major religions have similar ideas I think.( the word jhana comes to mind, I think it is buddist?)
 There are a few other experiences with emotions described here as well, the chief ones for me where the awakening of compassion, and the feeling of being loved intensely by the nature around me, also there was once an afternoon when I understood every thing perfectly, like god choose to answer all my questions for me. Unfortunatly I have forgotten most of that, though the following anology of rain drops to selves mostly came from that afternoon, it is a bit like reincarnation I suppose, but not of a former ego.
 I do think some people might be able to somehow recall past lives, or even see the future. How this might work I have some idea, though I have never had any thing like that happen to me. I think that the future exists in potential form already, along with the past and present as well, also I think when the bounderies of the self disappear, it may be possible for some few people to access this potential or speak with the "medicine wheels" somehow. ( Perhaps those rare individuals who are so secure in thier own immortality as a "soul/spirit/something" that they totaly lack fear of the ego's death ? In my experience human beings who truly do not fear death are usually considered to be insane/fanatical ...perhaps rightly so in almost all cases.)

                  So here goes....

There is only one thing, wich is also nothing, and that is why we are all related. In fact we are all parts of ONE WHOLE, not just the people but the earth and stars, birds, fishs, the 4 leggeds,the grass, your ancestors, and the next 7 generations as well. The Great Mystery Dreams a Sacred Dream and a dance takes place within it. YOU ARE A PART OF THAT ACTION, that dance of light. And like your creator, you also have dreams within you, one of them you call YOURSELF. In dreams all things are possible, all Gods, all points of view. Also, inside of you is the very source of all things, a pregnant emptyness is contained by you, like a seed, its potential is every thing. But, understand if you can, it is still all of it, just one thing, it is also no thing. 

To experience this dream as a human being is a great gift, but it has a price, with a body and mind comes pain, many, many types of pain. How do you live with your pain? Do you have patientence and tolerance for those who cause you pain? Once you begin to understand the true nature of your SELF, and see clearly how your relationship to the ONE thing creates attachments, you will often have a choice whether or not to suffer, mostly you will be free of much needless suffering. And you will begin to know why you are suffering.

Many mistake true patientice for a great feat of tolerance, like the mythical "Christian Tolerance", or the suffering of the Sundancers, endured on behalf of thier people. Tolerance requires suffering, the greater the personal discomfort the greater the suffering and the greater the effort required to endure it. While sometimes admirable and even apropriate for a time, the end result of tolerance is wearieness and frustration, then eventualy either acceptance or conflict.

 This is true for we are only human, even God does not make a storm that lasts forever, yet we sometimes believe we can tolerate our suffering forever, maybe, with GOD`s help? We must sleep and we must die, in this way GOD relieves our suffering, for a time. Effort will fail us each no matter how strong. Even the strongest and bravest eagle dancers must drink, or die...eventually.

There is However an alternative way to living with your suffering, thank whatever god you believe in or don`t believe in. Another path to be choosen at any time, by your own free will. It is to live ALWAYS in acceptance of whatever comes your way, without judgement. Such a life is expierenced as openess, like a  fully contented emptyness from wich thoughts and actions arise. This is what I call "in the flow", "I" have forgotten "I" exist for a time.(of course though I still do, or else who remembers the experience? maybe GOD remembers all our experiences?) There is helping without controlling or expectation that others also help, without expectation of gratitude for the help given. There is appropriate action, niether good nor evil, without attachment to outcome. Striveing without goals and with no chance for succsess, or failure. BEING, whether in stillness or action fully acheived in this moment, swept along in the "flow" of life. On my happiest days this where I am most of the time.

And best of all this path often requires no effort at all, not even faith. It may lead you perhaps to complete freedom, not from GOD, but at least from her judgement. It perhaps changes the nature of your suffering in direct proportion to how much of it you are willing to accept..and for what reasons.

So, if you must suffer do so willing, not in tolerance of your pain but in acceptance of it as the price of your addmission to this the greatest of all shows. A show put on by GOD, personally, just for you, right before your very eyes, every day, and you are the star. You are NOT the director, though you do get to help write the script. Suffer in understanding that there will be gifts from your suffering both for you and for others, it is the same for those who suffer willing on your behalf.

Learn to suffer without struggle,  to be like the water, never controlling its own path, always blocked and made to turn, always forced to yield, only making its its way into the low places. Yet in the course of time it disolves all obstacles, and brings life to a world. And know also, like a rain drop that faces the dificult path down to the sea you will grow when stuck in a hole. Because of the path already predestined by the luck of where you fell you may grow into a tiny puddle. Then if the ground is suitable, a quiet, still, life giving pond. If the pond gets full before the creator dries it up, you may feel your SELF begin to trickle down to the low places, swelling and gaining momentum even as the pond of the NAMED SELF emptys. One day you may even become the ONE everlasting sea itself, from wich through evaporation and the end of each of us single rain drops, comes the next generation of SELVES/rain drops. Our individual lives are like drops of rain, they all come from the same whole, and all return to it. What happens to a raindrop when it hits the ocean, does it then remember that it has always been the ocean, does it remember that it was for a short time a raindrop?(who remembers the experience? maybe GOD remembers all our experiences? and with that memory he makes us all one?) 

When this ONENESS is experienced or seen clearly (maybe even just a glimpse?) concepts like good and evil begin to vanish. These are seen as human inventions, the tools of the human mind, tools wich no other creature either posseses nor requires in order to know the will of GOD, or the WAY of the TAO. GOOD and EVIL are two of the names for DUALITY, so are YIN and YANG.( I like yin and yang best as being chinese they have no meanings or conotations to me, and are purely opposites ) While duality is a very usefull tool it too has a price, the price is a sort of internal seperation from our creator, the creation of an ego and the beginning of judgment of ourselves and each other. If we see ourselfs as good, moral people who follow GOD`s way then we must also see bad and immoral people as well, does that some how make them less than us? How do these so called immoral people view us, who is who? In Oneness, without the interferance of the ego, all emotions are accepted, wihout labels of good or bad, none are avoided. The good and the bad, pleasant and painfull are equal, one not better than the other or more desirable, they are inseperable, like two sides of a coin. Morality vanishes, actions are apropriate and all people are equall in thier divinity. Your enemy is also your freind, for you can not have one without the other.

In the midst of your worst pain remember that your suffering MAY awake a deep and beautifully agonizing empathy that grows to consume you, and you MAY fall in love with GOD'S creation all over again, as you did when you where a very young child.  you MAY feel that love returned from every ray of light that creates the world. With this experience comes the knowledge that we never suffer alone. GOD willingly accepts your suffering as his own and suffers right along with you, feeling all of your pain. And not just yours but that of the whole creation. SHE also shares in your joy.( who remembers when the rain becomes the ocean? does the ONE GOD have to wait until we die to see into our memories, experiences....to hear our prayers?)

This love for the creation/God may be felt as ecstatic rapture in just being wittness to this creation, or it may be felt as an over whelming, self destroying, compassion, an ego disolving empathy, for all of the suffering surrounding each of us in this same creation.

 This painfull and intense compassion is compounded by the nowledge that many, most of us even, are only aware of ourselves as an ego and have no idea why we are sufferring so much, and feel so alone. This is followed in turn by a deeper more painfull empathy because enough of our old SELVES still remains that we remember how that felt.

 Both this very painfull compassion and the child like ecstasy in just being alive are uncontrolled expressions of love for the same creation. The second expression feels wonderfull and is consiously and unconsiously sought after by all, even by those who have no idea where to look, or what it is they seek, or how to hold it once they experience it. The other is most often avoided,  considered uncomfortable by most, or saddest of all never acknowledged as anything beyond a deep and ever smoldering resentment towards GOD for allowing such pain to exist.( who has not blamed GOD for the death of a loved one, who has not wondered  what he was thinking when he made it work the way it does? )

 Is one expression of love good and the other bad? Can you seperate the bitter from the sweet? Without one how will you know the other? Wich is most valuable? 

How to try to live "ALWAYS in acceptance of whatever comes your way", if you should wish to give it a try. The first step is to develop an awareness of what it is you are accepting. You are entering into a relationship with the creator, it is a 50/50 relationship. You create the momentum, you move forward with your ideas,wants,aspirations,dreams....god creates the outcomes.

 If I miss with the hammer and crush my little finger, the whole body feels the pain and reacts appropriatly without my even thinking about it. This is both immediate acceptance, and appropriate action without attachment to outcome. I think that this is the Way of Wankan Tanka (Lakota word for god..it means "Sacred Mystery").

 But, I am human and may well step back right off a cliff and fall to my death trying to avoid the pain in my little finger. This is possible even if my actions are competely appropriate. Why do I think this? I see it all around me in nature, in all parts of The Sacred Mystery`s ART. Nature has no failures, no succsesses, just a constant, perfect balanceing of relationships. Sooner or later we all step off of a cliff, what happens after that is up to God. GOD doesn`t make mistakes, and she is still creating.

We humans don`t have enough awarness to live as if we where gods, although many of us try. Like the Buffalo, in our fear or discomfort we run unaware off of the cliffs, cliffs of many names. Addiction, and Religion are two of the names we all know, we have all seen the destruction and suffering they can cause. And we have all now been told how suffering is sometimes a path to great gifts.

 If we wish to avoid the cliffs then thought and planning is appropriate before action for us humans. We do have need of such tools as DUALITY, which is maybe created within the human mind by Wankan Tanka for just that purpose? Perhaps GOD wants to help us avoid the cliffs and stay alive to enjoy our lives just a little longer, if we so choose? Seems apropriate to me any way.

In action it is the timing that counts, can you accept that now may not be the time for the action you desire to take place? Can you use the tools you are given, do you to know when, if, and what action is appropriate? If you can learn to do so does that mean that you can now be the director, and in control of your destiny? What will be the outcome of your actions? good or bad? how will you know when you are finished? How long will your human efforts remain effective? If the outcome is not as you expected, will you have failed? If it is better than expected did you win?  will you take credit for the outcome? And when the tide turns will you also own the blame? Will you then be ashamed of your completely appropriate actions? Do you understand that there may be times when it is safe to leap off of the cliffs and soar like an eagle, perhaps at high tide?  

If we choose to avoid  running off of the cliffs like a frightened 4 legged, we must learn to develop our awareness of the way things are, and our ability to accept them as they are. In action we must try to be always fully here in the moment, observing as much as possible. Many forget to also observe themselves, even better get a second and even third opinion of your own thoughts and actions, you will come to know yourself much better when you learn how others see you. Such mirrors are very valuable, when they are honest. All things ARE related, we must learn to be aware of the relationships, or eventualy we will destroy our selves, not our souls, but our selves. For us humans this is the first step leading up to appropriate action.

 After we begin to act we see the effects of our action. If we are free of attachment to the outcome of our actions we will accept the effects we see, without labels of good or bad, and without shame or the need for denial of what we don`t wish to see. If we are satisfied with the effects then we continue, observing carefully, if we are not satisfied we are free to stop, adjust our actions appropriatly and try again. Hopefully we will now have a better awareness of what is needed. In this way, by observing the effects of our actions as they occur damage to our relationships might be minimized.  For me it is now ALL about maintaining this relationship with the creation, and through that with the creator, if such a personality exists. The coincidences in my life lead me to believe that it does. My two favorite words when in prayer/meditation are please and thank-you.( they are also the two most pleasent too my ear in life ) 

  Always remember we are humans, there is always some aspect of relationship of wich we are not yet aware. If we really mess it up our inappropriate actions might be undone or cleaned up by us, perhaps, if enough of us care. Sometimes, very often in fact, the Great Mother will fix it for us if we give her half a chance, but not always. Some mistakes can`t be fixed, although they may still hold lessons, and help us to gain more awareness...GOD always controls the outcome.( at least not fixed from our human perspectives, I`m sure gods ok with it, an after all, who ya gonna trust? )

There will come a time in your life when there will be need for action, but no time for planning.  When this time comes appropriate action could well save your life, or inapropriate action end it. Here awareness that this time will come, and acceptance of this fact are the only guides, so try to be always AWARE and in ACCEPTANCE of what is around you. Maintain your relationships carefully, and let your heart stay open even when it hurts to do so, for like your eyes, it can show you many things you would otherwise not be aware of. Liveing this way you will mostly act appropriatly when there is not time for thought. However you may still step off a cliff every now and then even if your awareness is perfect and you make no mistakes, you are only human, you don`t control the outcome. The only advantage you have is that you have been warned, there ARE cliffs. God STILL controls the outcomes, and even timely, appropriate action may not save you. 

A few more word about god and then were done ...I promise.

I see 2 Mirrors facing each other, thier reflections forming a whole. The creator is not the reflection I see in the  mirror named GOD, what I see there is my SELF, for I AM the mirror named SELF, seeing my own reflection when looking into the mirror named GOD. My named God is created in My image...and is an illusion, as am I.

GOD is the forever pregnant, forever un-named nothing between the mirrors creating the light that makes both the named mirrors, and all of the named reflections we call creation possible.

 For you who wish to see the face of GOD understand that an eye can not see it`s SELF without a mirror. If the mirror named SELF forgot its name what would it see in the mirror named GOD? What would the mirror named GOD see in the one called SELF?  Without names who would remain to see?

  Realize both mirrors GOD and SELF are an illusion. They could also be called imagination and reality, but, wich is wich?  Both are part of the Sacred Dream, there is only ONE thing and all it CAN see is it`s own SELF, there is absolutely nothing else here to see.

 From my point of view GOD is creating this conversation right now. Not just these words but the screen you read them on, right now, the eyes you use to see, right now, and the brain you order it with and the mind you call your SELF as well, all of it he is doing spontaeneously, maybe consciously, maybe unconsciously, or maybe both, right this moment. The whole show is being put on just for you, right now. GOD is doing  this both for me and you, and for himself. In my version of reality GOD is both creating this and seeing it now through your/his eyes for the first time. It is to me all one thing, doing all of this creating, right now, constantly, spontaneously. WHY? because like us GOD cares who and what he is and wants to see himself a bit better? Or maybe just because thats how it works? If I am right in my assumptions then this means that the illusionary egos we call ourselves will one day cease to exists. With the death of our bodies surely this will happen, but perhaps even sooner for a few of us, such things are said to be possible. One deffinition of enlightenment is "to die and not to perish", I understand this to mean the death of the  individualized self or ego. With the death of the self and the end of duality wholeness or oneness is all that is left. The unnamed,  but aware of itself, I am, the only one REAL thing there is, I don`t think that this part of us will ever die, we will just stop calling it Bill, or dog or tree or GOD, and let it be whatever it is.

 I suspect thier are two types of consiouseness, one type the alive type, aware of itself, either with or without a named self and needs/desires. The other type is unaware of its own existence, yet as real as the alive type. Most of us consider rocks etc. inanimate matter,ie: not alive, but is this correct? perhaps the rocks and light and water are a form of consiousness unaware of it self, acting appropriately, spontaeniously, as we all did before we became identified with our named personalities. Perhaps death is just the other side of the coin called life. Perhaps as we can put our egos to sleep, and for a time cease to exist on that level, the rocks etc.  can be awakened, and made to be self aware. Being awake might they even wish to share with us there own experience of life? For some of us this is a realitity, in the past such ideas where more common. Now most educated people would not even consider such an idea seriously. For a long time many well educated, scientific, or deeply religious peoples also considered the idea that the sun was the center of our universe ridiculous, this in spite of some 400 years of acumulated evidence, many cultures who tried to tell them otherwise, and even thier own personal observations. Long held religous beliefs and popular ideas die slowly, few even think to question them. Often such new ideas (or in this case old ideas reconsidered) are met with much conflict as the bases of power shift from one group of people to another.

 Also consider that egos are fragile and dangerous constructions, threaten a man`s idea of self/GOD and he may react very violently, in effect your simple expression of new ideas may be experienced by him as an attempt to destroy his very being, ie: murder him. Human`s often kill to protect themselves from being forced to look at what they have become, or what they really are. This is especialy true if they are the sort who believe in GOOD and EVIL, who among us wants to be forced to look upon his own evil? ALL OF IT,  all at once ? How about if we share it publicly? Most people deeply fear the end of thier own ego/story as they are not aware of themselves as being any thing more, and so it is even appropriate that they do so. Being right is no garantee of being popular, loved, or even safe.

 However if you are one of those people who simply must honestly go on with your quest to know yourself and God better then be willing to believe what you experience. At least consider the idea that you don`t yet know all there is to know about such things. Knowing this I try hard to remember that my ideas are just ideas, they may work for me right now and to me are realitity, but as I said from the start the only thing I know to be absolutely true is that I am. Every thing else, includeing what I am is still open to question. I don`t really try any more to figure it out, if I am meant to I will. I understand that the individual self can not kill itself, if it goes it will go as spontainiously as it arrived. In trying to be free of the ego you can only perpetuate it, after all who is doing the trying? If you can understand this stuff a bit and it happens that you accept it as true, you may just notice that things that used to upset you no longer have any power to do so, fears become not obstacles but opportunities for growth. As you fear less, and denial drops away you will see more clearly the way it is and have less need to hold to the securitity of what you thought you knew. Most conflicts within your psyche and with those around you will resolve themselves with much less discomfort, spontaeneously, and appropriatly.

Could you sum it up a little?

Yeah, I confess you lost me about 1/10th way in. A more concise recap would be helpful.

I think that the idea of who we are is an incomplete notion, which we only come up with because we are asked by someone to tell them who we are, or to tell them about ourselves. We are too quick to judge ourselves and others. We are very very complicated, we have a very wide range of moods that can be experienced, new thoughts ocurr to us all the time, we learn new things constantly. We cannot be understood through categorical summarizations. When my life gives me something different every day, it would be foolish to react the SAME way to it day in and day out. For this reason, no one is ever what they beleive they are, because this belief in a self must be defined, and the definitions can never be more than inadequate summaries. This is why they say that the self doesnt truly exist. It is also why I named myself everything nothing. I am everything, but nothing specifically.

I think that when it comes down to it, we are all everything and more, and the only way to become something is to lose a part of yourself.

I also admit to not having read most of your post. I started generating all these thoughts before I got very far in, and had to write them down… :slight_smile: Maybe it would work better on us if you put down your posts a piece at a time, and allowed responses before adding the next piece. I know how it is to have a giant ball of thoughts in my head that I have to put out, but maybe you could write the whole thing down and then save it for later to copy-paste?