On Irritation.
I believe that ‘irritation’ within a relationship is like grit in a bearing - for a while it may be merely uncomfortable with minor side effects but eventually enough damage will be done that the wheels come off.
Irritation is all the more dangerous because it seems so inconsequential. No one ever died from a barbed comment right? It is unpleasant to be in the company of someone who is irritated but it is not the end of the earth. Surely every body gets irritated from time to time. Well I want to suggest that in a relationship it is a huge problem.
Causes of irritation.
The excuses for irritation are always things that are ostensibly beyond the control of the perpetrator. Several outside agencies are quoted as the ‘cause’ of the irritation.
• Illness
• Tiredness
• Bad mood
• Depression
• The weather
• The noise
• Somebody else’s stupidity
• Somebody else’s inconsideration
• Somebody else’s behaviour
• Somebody else’s … well you get the picture.
You may think that some of these are justifiable causes of irritation but you must be careful here to draw a distinction between the emotion of irritation and the display of irritation. You may or not be able to control the emotion if irritation but the choice to raise your voice or shape a barbed comment is entirely your own.
As a matter of fact I would say that you can control your emotions. That is the human mind is capable of controlling its emotions and that anyone can, with practice and determination, avail themselves of this ability.
I think it is true that at some level it is impossible to completely suppress the impulse to irritation but after the initial impulse your conscious mind can chose to build the emotion or damp it down. It can certainly choose to ‘huff’ or glare or issue a put down.
Domination.
A show of irritation is an assertion of dominance. Only the dominant partner has the ‘right’ to show irritation with the other. To accept a show of irritation from another is to accept their dominance. This is the core of my thesis. Irritation is equivalent to a dog growling - submit or fight. Of course we find this hard to accept. You may get irritated yourself from time to time but consider - irritation always flows down hill:-
from sergeant to private
from policeman to speeding motorist
from teacher to pupil,
from manager to staff member.
from parent to child.
from jailer to inmate
from pack leader to pack member
Irritation flowing the other way in any of these relationships would bring disbelief, righteous indignation and, more often than not, consequences.
Whatever the context or words used, a show of irritation is a warning bark, it is a statement that the other person has to accept second place - or unspecified consequences will follow.
Recognizing that a show of irritation is a assertion of dominance is the first step to dealing with it but it is not the last. Irritation is an insidious and tough problem and must be dealt with by understanding and a cool head - or you will just make things worse.
How to deal with irritation in yourself.
Our first impulse is to consider the irritation in those around us and what we can do to stop others being irritated with us. Of course there is always the possibility that we ourselves show irritation from time to time. It is just as important to get our own irritation under control as it is to help others control theirs.
Analyse the causes behind your irritation.
It is quite possible that you have a justified grievance, you only know if your grievance is a good one by expressing it to yourself.
There are three categories of motivation.
• Feeling physically or mentally down.
• A sense of impotence concerning a justifiable grievance.
• A sense of impotence concerning a selfish grievance (e.g. that you should be dominant)
At a subconscious level even where dominance is not the core issue your subconscious believes that a boost in our social position will make you feel generally better and allow you gain satisfaction of your grievances.
In the third case it should be easy to quell your sense of irritation once you realize it is purely selfish.
In the other two cases you will be able to do yourself much more good by consciously focussing on the problem rather than on growling at other people. Your subconscious is obviously not confident of your ability to deal with the problem head on but the subconscious mind is notoriously insecure. By facing your problems head on you will re-educate your subconscious mind on the subject of your ability to deal with problems.
You should understand this approach before you try to correct irritation in others. Many people perceive a suggestion that they not show irritation as a suggestion that they roll over whenever challenged. The opposite is the case. Displaying irritation is a form of running away from your problems by transferring them to others. What you need to do is shine a strong light on your problems, understand them and then deal with them.
Also it will be tough to suggest that someone else refrains from an indulgence they see you enjoying on a daily basis.
How to deal with Irritation in others.
Submission
Submission is insidious. Placation is such an easy habit to get in to especially when you care about the other and do not want to ‘upset’ them.
But showing submissive behaviour in response to irritation rewards it and re-enforces it. Irritation and other dominant behaviours get worse and worse as they are rewarded. The more one partners dominance is established the greater they will insist on their right to show irritation.
Irritation is also the thin end of the wedge. Accept it and soon other dominant behaviours will follow. All of them unpleasant all of them backed up by shows of irritation.
Irritation is not a pretence. The irritated partner is genuinely frustrated with the other. Moreover when their irritation is accepted by the other the conviction grows in them that it was justified - why else do they accept it. We are all capable of a great self delusion on this point. Acquiescence on the part of another is always accepted. At
some level not so far beneath the surface we don’t care why we get it as long as we do.
Escalation.
You might think that the appropriate response is to retaliate with a show of irritation in return. But it won’t work. The most that will happen is that you will get short term acquiescence followed at some point later by a greater show of irritation in return. Like two dogs you will snarl and posture trying to force the other to back down. In the case of dogs there is the ultimate possibility of violence and so one party will probably back down before it comes to that, or else there is a fight.
For civilized people violence is not an option but ending the relationship is. So dominance is most likely to go to the partner who is most willing to end the relationship. They have least to lose and will take it further before backing down. So in order to force the other to back down you end up in a situation where both parties are making a show of how little they care for the relationship.
No happy ending comes from this battle but there is hope.
The third way.
There is a third way between acquiescence and fighting back. That is ‘passive resistance’.
I will go into particulars in a moment but the principle is to meet irritation (and other dominant behaviours) with a calm, non aggressive, stand. Do not knuckle under, but also do not seek to make the other knuckle under.
The goal here is to open the other persons eyes to their own subconscious behaviour and then to help them see that, while it may work well for dogs it is inappropriate for human beings.
Remember if you use this insight to simply make your own play for dominance you may make a short term gain but in the medium and long term you have just escalated the conflict. What ever clever ploy or trick you use will be copied by the opposition and sooner or later you will get it right back.
The Voice.
There are a few important parts to making a stand in the face of a show of irritation but the most important by far is tone of voice. Tone of voice is almost everything. Your tone must be light and happy. It must convey the idea that you are having a lovely conversation about a subject you enjoy with someone you like. Someone you regard as an equal. This will seem very out of place at first because part of you thinks that the correct responding tones to those of irritation is either submission or counter argument. It will sound wrong in your own ears to counter as if there is not a fight going on - but you must. It is the key. As you practice however you will realize that you are, in fact, enjoying the sense of self control, the sense of being a true human being capable of rejecting impulses which you regard as unhelpful. You will feel more civilized.
The first time this happened to me I realized just how much the constant displays of irritation had been affecting me - I decided there could be no going back, and after that it was easy.
Specifically…
Point out to the person that ‘they are upset’.
Literally say.
“You are upset.”
Surprisingly they will often deny this in an ironic and often comic further show of irritation which, if you are lucky, they themselves will recognize. If they do not recognize their own irritation you can ask them to compare their tone of voice with your own.
“Listen to your voice. Listen to mine. You are upset.”
It is not necessary that they openly accept anything in front of you. Do not get involved in any arguments simply make it clear that you are going to remain calm and invite them to make their own comparisons between their state and your own. You may make any headway while they are in front of you. It may all happen later on when they think about it. It may take many sessions for the penny to drop.
Insisting in a public recognition of error is a kind of dominant behaviour in its own right and will encourage it in the other. Remember you are trying to help the other not beat them.
State that you find their show of irritation upsetting.
State that you do not like it when they show irritation like this; that it is ‘aggressive’ and ‘unpleasant’. At this point they may come back with something like 'Well you shouldn’t upset me / irritate me / be so stupid etc)
Reply to this by saying they will have to find some other way to express themselves; that it is unfair to respond this way. Say that showing irritation like this is just like a dog barking and you refuse to respond to it. Say that if they have a complaint they should express it in a normal tone of voice. Deliver all this in a neutral, happy voice.
The key here is to remain calm and use only a neutral tone of voice. If you use a hectoring tone of your own you are simply joining in the scrap. Remember you are not trying to win an argument you are helping another person to change. You are not trying to prove them wrong. You are trying to help them be a better person; to find a better way to communicate.
Do not dodge their irritation.
It may be that irritation is not a great part of your relationship at all in terms of minutes and hours, instead one partner learns how to dodge the irritation of the other by a hundred acts of deference. The irritation is only there as a threat, both parties know what will bring it out and it is expected that the one will act to avoid bring it out in the other. In this case you must use your knowledge to flush out the irritation. Force the other to be irritated in order to deal with it.
Remember no-one has a right to be irritated. To tell someone else off. If some-one does so it is their problem not yours.
It is very easy to fall into a pattern of avoiding situations when the other person will become annoyed. This is an indirect re-enforcement of irritation. It is the acceptance of a subordinate position. Once you have found a way to ‘Stand’ against their irritation you will find it a lot easier to contemplate evoking it. You will start to see it as an opportunity to bring about change in the other. It is absolutely fatal to dodge irritation for ANY REASON AT ALL. In fact you should work out the things you do which create irritation and do them to provoke the issue.
Zero tolerance.
As long as you put up with any degree of irritation you will not get rid of it. Its like a weed. The only way to irradiated it is to get it all out. Leave any smallest fragment behind and it will re-establish itself over time.
You must give the impression that it is not the degree of irritation which you are standing against but irritation itself. This is important because irritation is as much as internal strategy for the other as it is an external one. It a way for someone to override their ‘normal’ standards of behaviour. Inside their head they are saying to themselves. I know that hectoring is wrong but its OK because I have been driven to it by the person I am hectoring. It’s their fault I am having to do this.
This is the idea you have to root out. If you only make a stand when it gets too bad you are allowing them to keep the internal strategy at it will never go away.
You are not merely seeking to stop displays of irritation you are seeking to stop the other from feeling it at all. They may make the case that they can not choose how they feel but this is wrong. You may not be able to control the impulse to be irritated but you can override that impulse. You CAN choose to be irritated or not to be irritated its easy.
If it gets to talking about this the other may find themselves asking “Why should I suppress my irritation?” This is the last refuge of their subconscious (Their inner petulant child) The answer is obvious
“Because it leads you to be unhappy and to make me unhappy. When you are irritated it brings me down. It makes me feel sad and alone.”.
They may then say “Well stop irritation me.” You can then say. “It doesn’t work. You just get more irritated. Also I don’t want to knuckle under just because you get irritated. That makes me sad and lonely too.”
Its difficult to talk someone into changing their inner conversation but if you stand against even the smallest show of irritation it breaks the mould of expected behaviour and exposes the subconscious drives which are behind it.
Over time the other person gets the sense that allowing irritation into their thoughts and then voice brings the ‘passive stand’ out in the you during which they will be forced to defend irritation itself - which is indefensible. Irritation is impossible to defend without seeming very childish or petulant and that is something which people do not want to accept as a personal characteristic. That is why people are so defensive about being upset.
Affect on the other.
The net result of this on the other person is startling. They too seem to wake up and realize what is going on. They will not be upset, they will be happy to be awake, to have control of themselves. They will find themselves better able to express themselves and make a proper case for the things they want - instead of trying to achieve them by barking.
Irritation is a rubbish way of getting what you want. Unfortunately a lot of people experience some success with it and never explore alternative, better solutions.