here’s something I’ve been wondering about for some time now, but i think i should first give a little background.
firstly, i am not very old. only 16, and have been on antidepressants and ADHD medication for about a year. my depression goes to when i was about 13 where i would inflict minor cuts on myself and frequently have thoughts of suicide. about a month after my 15th birthday my depression hit an all time low when i broke up with my girlfriend and my dog died (who i love more than most people). this was when i tried committing suicide by taking 35 ibuprofen tablets for a total of 7000mg. of course, this made my stomach very upset and unfortunately i threw most of them up shortly after. i still ended up going to the hospital and went to a mental institution where i stayed for 5 days and then was released to a outpatient therapy clinic for about 2 weeks. i was prescribed Lexapro 20mg and Seroquel 100mg. now before this i had some thoughts of killing other people, but my thoughts were mostly on the topic of suicide. after this, my suicidal thoughts lessened slightly and then increased to where they are now, but my thoughts of murder have increased from being an occasional day dream to extremely vivid and detailed plans for the brutal and bloody murder of innocent, random people. its gotten to the point where i no longer believe that i will be able to function very long on a sane level unless i kill myself or somebody else, where killing someone else is always the first thought. even worse, its even gotten to the point where, on days when i am feeling especially homicidal, i will watch people where they live and take notes on their behavior and habits. i see a therapist, but i need somebody who i can ACTUALLY talk to about this, without going to jail or my parents finding out or having to go to a mental facility again.
any thoughts on what i should do? should i just kill myself now so others aren’t at risk? besides suicide i don’t see many other options. help please?
You’re always going to feel crazy. Just don’t do the crazy things and you wont get in trouble. Think of yourself as having to live a double life. That’s what I’ve always done.
thats how i’ve always been. when i’m around people i put my mask on, but when i’m alone i get to take it off. it worked well for a while, but now putting the mask on sucks all emotion out of me. it makes me become a blob who prefers not to communicate with people and who hates nearly everyone and everything. seeing how my mask is makes me not want to take it off for fear of what’s underneath, and so i feel increasingly trapped within my life. i hold on to tiny hopes that my smoking will cause me to develop lung cancer, or i will get a heart disease, or my dwindling and unhealthy diet will cause me to collapse and hopefully die. sometimes i literally think i’m going insane and developing schizophrenia or something.
Insanity is the essential of creativity. Enjoy it. But don’t inflict pain on yourself. That is the ultimate act of denial, of self denial. Rather than inflict pain, feel some one else’s, and don’t deny it. We pay for our lives with pain. The greater our pains the greater is our lives. And while you are not about denying your own pain be not about denying the pain of others. Don’t look at your hands as useless like the assasin. Look in your hands for the good you can do. Do good and you will have no time for morbid thoughts or acts. But if you have no ambition to turn your energy to productivity you have got far more serious problems than you think. If you have no ambition the world will run over you like a dead squirrel and you will be nothing between two certificates. Best wishes. Chin up. Have courage.
thanks. although that part about lack of motivation to be productive kinda screws me over. thats one of my major problems. i don’t want to do ANYTHING. i don’t care about other people just as much as i dont care about myself, which is a lot.
I went through something similar at that period as well. More than once I held a knife to my chest and then feared the pain and didn’t go through with it in the end. I used to imagine myself being a nuclear bomb in busy squares and wiping everybody out, and thinking how feeble everybody else and what they did were, their self unawareness, their petty goals etc. You just have to be aware that it’s a phase, you’re not the only one going through it, and that eventually you’ll grow out of it. People with higher intelligence levels can also be much more manic depressive and introverted, just something to keep in mind. My family pushed me to socializing as much as possible, and after a couple of years, it paid off. Just make as many friends as you can and a couple close friendships, it does more good than you would expect.
You know, if you think you’re sick you’re sick. No one needs a phd to figure that out. Why not go find a coccoo clock to hang out in. If you have the time in your already too short life to worry about dieing you are too close to the end. If you want to spend the balance of your life cared for by others in some quiet asylum, it may be possible. Just don’t feel you have to hurt anyone to get the help you need. Just go and say: I’m hurt, I don’t function, and I am out of sinc with the world, and I can’t understand anyone and it makes me incredibly angry. Shet. My guess is that someone will throw a net over you and some one else will shoot you full of who hit me, and you will wake up in a ward. Best wishes. Seriously, it is too bad that insanity has such a bad reputation because it can be turned to just about any situation you can imagine. I worked through some very bad times in my life that I may not have managed except for being a little off key. Insanity was always there. I used to think, I am going to get drunk, and when I am real drunk I am going to go crazy. I might have been one of those drunks crying and trying to pass out. The thing is, that climbing into a bottle is easier than climbing out, and in your case, if you smoke, then you have shown yourself easily addicted. That should mean that you can learn, in the sense that I cannot, because I am not easily habituated. So, try to get help, but resources are slight so you have to be pitiful. I should probably ask you: Is life really travail for you? All you get is one, fair or foul. Is there some reason you are not in touch with your tremendous power as an individual? There may be a million ways to waste your time, and tose your life, but there are at least as many ways to make yourself a credit to those who have helped to bring you up. Make everyone proud. You can always die later.
You gottodotobe so what you gonna do? The thing is, Fatigue is a sure sign of depression. Go to sleep, think about what is bothering you, work it out in your head and act not violently. Remember that growing up is harder than being up. Being old is a gas, or something. Getting there is the hard part. Hey, I know the secret to life if it will help you, but you still have to live your own, and you only get one, and you are the only one who can make it mean any thing. Time is interminable, but you get over the hard part and have little left. You have not got a moment to waste laying about feeling sad. No one gets happy worried about unhappy. Everyone gets happy trying not to starve. Don’t worry about getting out of bed, we’ll feed you there; worry about starving to death because we forget to care.
i see what you’re saying. i guess i just have absolutely no faith in life ever working out for me. in addition to that, i actually detest the life i was given. its not bad in comparison to other people. i’m middle class, in a private school for “gifted kids” and can still never study and ace a test, mostly healthy, and apparently liked by many people. my loathing of life comes from the fact that i didn’t choose any of that. for some reason i’m like a guy at the poker table who gets dealt a good hand, but gets mad because he didn’t get to pick the cards. i’m not sure how that makes sense or why he wants to pick his cards, but thats pretty much me.
If you didn’t care about your self, you wouldn’t be looking for solutions, you wouldn’t want any pleasure at all.
Truth is, you care about yourself to the highest degree, like everyone else does, suicide being a last option to escape the pain and self pity.
You do care about other people or you wouldn’t have an opinion either way about them or their actions, you are asking whether or not to commit suicide in order to save innocent people.
You are presenting yourself as mentally confused or idiotic, showing as much hypocrisy and contradiction mounting up to the amount of ignorance the average feeble minded human you despise has, cognitive though there may be.
You may not have motivation to be productive, make sense of, and better your situation, but if you do really desire that motivation then there is hope in the possibility that you can gain some satisfactory mental and circumstantial improvements in the near future by waiting it out and doing what you can for along as it remains possible for the situation to change for the better.
That bleak looking thin slice of possibility, practical hope is how i prevented myself from committing suicide, I was almost in the same situation as you, the sadist may always remain, trying to take control but as long as he isn’t captain of the ship you have the chance to fight him for the position. learn the seas, they are vast and treacherous but if you do you will discover there are destinations and worth traveling to.
When I talk of the seas i of course mean learn to utilize and understand reality and your interpretation of it.
There are commentaries that the youth especially on highly industrialized countries commit suicide because they did everything that life can offer (sex, drugs, alcohol, even murder) in an early age and in numerous times and in a highly hedonistic manner. So yeah boredom, as my proffesor in Sociology will suggest, is a very common problem on “egoistic suicides”.
So if you still lovel ife. Do try something new and don’t get stuck with monotomy. Enjoy every stuff that comes along the way and if your suicidal tendencies are not caused by some very unbalanced chemical composition on your brain, I think you can manage to live your life.
Go to someone and tell them you need to be re-commited because you are having these issues? If you tell a psychologist or psychiatrist that you think that is a real risk. If you can’t find a treatment option that helps, and still feel like you might hurt an innocent, turning a shotgun in towards your mouth is better then hurting someone that has nothing to do with you.
find help, if you can’t commit yourself, if you can’t find anything after trying and really believe that is the case, what option do you have?
yeah, I bet he’ll get real creative caving someone’s head in or cutting them to shit with a blade. Suggest that he finds help or move on you crazy fuck.
Oh right. There is something about seeking help that will help? I don’t believe it. The most helped people in the world are good christians. They have friends, support, the love of God, and examples good and bad in quantity. Yet, I have heard such wailings of hatred and thirst for blood from such people as might shock your average inmate. Why? Because the help they seek is not true help, intropection, education, or real love; but justification and mutual insanity. What really is the difference between punishing the guilty, or punishing the innocent if the bloodlust is the same? I don’t believe anyone can cure insanity. I believe most of the insane have the ability to do good rather than harm. What is possible with the socially accepted forms of mental health are socially accepted forms of insanity, like biking along a cliff, or ruining another in business. No one puts a president in a rubber room for killing thousands with a word when he will not suffer any personal risk that cannot be eliminated to nearly nothing. Is it not insane to attack a people because they cannot rid themselves of a dictator? What did they do?
The whole damned world is insane, and no one appears more insane than the odd few who are sane. So the object is, if you can help yourself, to do so. If you can keep a shrink out of your head you might let a philosopher in. Age will finally cure much of what is wrong with most youths. The object is to not harm others in the mean time, and to emerge into middle age not having ruined ones reputation by acting crazy or getting a negating label from some shrink who is likely as cookoo as you. Hard times, stress, war, and famine throw up crazies in their wake. There must be a survival factor there, or it would not occur, as the cause ultimately is in our genes. If you see the world as others do not, you may be able to change the world as others cannot. Since the correlation between creativity and insanity is bold and obvious; we should all seek insanity, and would, if it did not so imperil everyones chances for personal happiness through fulfilling relationships. Of course, given a choice, most people would choose fulfilling relationships rather than insanity. The difference between the insane and the average is not thought, but action, because when a person of any age cannot restrain themselves, their impulses, and their emotions, and focus their drives creatively and beneficially, then they are perpetual infants requiring the control of the state.
