I’ve once seen a male who seemed like a terrible driver, which is odd because only female are bad drivers. Outraged at his giving men everywhere a bad name, I followed him home to learn more about him, as he obviously must be blind, or worse, metrosexual. Upon exiting his car to enter his house, I saw him flick off an elderly couple, kick their Pomeranian, and yell at unsuspecting children. After entering his apartment he let out a wet fart and proceeded to undress. At first I thought he was wearing a wool sweater beneath his outer garments, but I soon realized he just had an enormous amount of body hair. After dressing into something more comfortable (his birthday suit) he started typing furiously into his laptop. It was at this point when I was able to deduce that his poor driving was simply the effect of an experiment he was conducting while on the road. Because his poor driving was for such a noble cause (and he was manlier than anybody I’ve seen in my entire life), I decided to introduce myself, lest he discover my presence and kill me in a blind rage. I introduced myself, and as a gesture of good will I offered to put on some lesbian porn and cook him a steak, medium-rare of course. He obliged. After I helped satisfy him in those regards, I offered to hold his monstrous man meat while he took a leak on a picture of Hillary Clinton. He was gracious enough to allow me, and as a gesture of gratitude allowed me to take a nap on his comfortable pullout couch. I accepted his invitation and slept like an angel. My day had unexpectedly gone from an investigation to the luckiest day of my life. When I awoke from my slumber I couldn’t find him anywhere. I then happened upon a mirror only to discover that I had been watching myself in the third person the entire time. If anybody has ever had an out of body experience, you know it can impair your driving. Mystery solved.
I truly enjoyed that. Borges meet Steve Wright. Who woulda known? Ya got talent.
I don’t know whether to move this to Creative Writing or Off Topic, but that was f’ing brilliant 
…but the wool jumper revelation, ew :-&