Philosophy From Hell

I hope you read this.

I don’t really know you or anything, but I really want someone to talk to about this.

Even if you don’t read this, its just going to help me to be able to type some of my thoughts out.
I don’t really have any sort of reason that I’m sharing this with all of you and not somebody else; but I am willing to bet that some of you are artistic, deep, intellectual, and complex, and I know that if you respond it will be something worth reading.

I originally only typed this out to one person, but I think it is something worth telling to more people, so here it is. I am sorry if I have been making too many threads, I can understand why posting as many threads as I have been posting would start to get annoying. But I know that a lot of you here realize that everything I write is something I have put time and effort into, and it has a greater direction that I intended for it to head towards after you guys read it. Anyways, I guess this paragraph was sort of a disclaimer… I just hope most of the people who read this don’t view it negatively.

Also, this was sort of typed with improper grammar and sentence structure, please forgive that. I typed it out that way for effect, so that I came across as having a more honest, friendly, and casual tone. Not really sure if it worked.

Okay, here goes. My name is mike, I’m 18, I love art, reading, writing, philosophy, music, and I try as hard as I can to love life. It has been increasingly difficult to love life - most of my time throughout the day is spent trying to rationalize an explanation for the state of mind I have been in, but nothing suffices in the end.

I think it might be the amphetamine I’m prescribed, and I think it has made me psychotic for almost an entire year. I’ve lost my best friends, the love in my life, my lust for life itself, I’ve lost my appreciation for art, music, and everything that was good and close to me. I know it sounds corny, but I’ve lost myself.

I’m trapped in a downward spiral of abstract delusions and cognitive dissonance. I don’t know if I exist. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. I keep trying to stop thinking about “What if everyone else in the world is just a figment of my imagination, and I’ll be drifting through the emptiness alone for all eternity?”

Sometimes I think I have an idea of what’s going on in my head, but I’ve considered so many possibilities that they have all accumulated into a giant mass that can’t be ignored - a constant reminder that I have absolutely no clue about anything. I have no certainty about anything, even my own existence.

I don’t want to be a psychotic, a failed seeker, or someone who has lost everything so now they spend their days barking in envy at the people who still have something but take it for granted.

Its so hard for me to even explain these things. If I don’t try hard enough to explain my situation properly, people don’t grasp what I’m trying to explain, and they dismiss as a whiny kid. If I try too hard to explain it (and make everything as accurate and detailed as it needs to be), it scares people away. Not everyone though - only those who have been too sheltered from reality, and haven’t yet ventured outside of their comfort zone into the greater limits of human existence. People who are complex, intelligent, philosophical, or have gone through something similar will usually be more than sympathetic and understanding, and usually they will talk to me.

But everyone forgets. Everyone leaves in the end. They aren’t going to go out of their way to become good friends with someone they don’t know, and I don’t expect them to. Its not a reasonable thing to expect of someone. But, since I have no alternative, I keep digging - keep searching for someone to help me recollect my sanity.
I have to do it before I get much older, or before too much time has passed where I have been drifting further and further away from reality.

As a metaphor, its almost like the 1922 silent vampire film “Nosferatu”, where all he needs in order to return to normal and break the spell of the vampire is for somebody, anybody, to stay by his side and not flee from him in fear, and then the curse would be broken.

I already know what my problem is - I’m too honest. People perceive my straightforward honesty as “coming across to strongly”, or as being an under-socialized fool. When I talk to people in person, this is never the case… it only happens when I talk to people through text. I am very down-to-earth, and I’m not an idiot who doesn’t know good social etiquette, I simply strive for honesty almost in defiance of the fact that true honesty isn’t possible in our society. I hate that idea - that nobody can ever be truly honest, and we will always have to mask our true intentions, and hide them even from ourselves. Even if worst comes to worst and I never find ‘true honesty’ in another person, I can at least be proud of myself for trying.

Why should we have to constantly re-word everything we say, and sophisticate things merely to differentiate ourselves from those who are under-socialized… You never seen a grown adult saying “I gotta go pee”, no, they have to sophisticate it into something more ‘proper’ like “Pardon me for a moment, I have to visit the rest area”… And it gets more and more complex amongst the people who have already complicated it, to the point where language evolves into some monstrosity of trying to reach an unreachable peak of ultimate morality and righteousness, all over something like communicating a simple idea.

In a way, I have to be thankful for that. If everyone talked in the same dialect, and lacked any attempt of incorporating etiquette or respect into their language, I would find all language to be entirely dull and bland. We need etiquette and we need dishonesty in order to create diversity and individuality.
The only people who suffer from this are people like me, people who try to take a different path, or more direct path. Doesn’t the idea frighten you that you can never boil down something to its most honest terms without people misinterpreting it? It bothered me, and for the longest time I believed that everyone should just be completely honest with each other - and the only people holding humanity back then would be the evil ones, the people who wanted to exploit the loopholes of language, and use dishonesty as a means of manipulation.
Its a paradox - and I can’t wrap my mind around it. Good can not exist without evil. But if this is true, why do we strive for good? Why do we strive for good when evil is inescapable and a byproduct of “good” itself? Is it all merely for the sake of experience? Is that how it is supposed to end? Humanity never truly reaching a final destination of good or evil, but simply running in place with the illusion of progress?

If that is the case, then why are we here? Why are we trying? What are our efforts for? Isn’t it true that there is no sense of direction? No ups, downs, and gravity pulls in all directions. Is that not how it is? Every action - a reaction; Every good - an evil; Every success - a failure; Every step forward - another step back.

Is there no sanctuary in this torment? Is there no peace or comfort to be found in this directionless vacuum of space - void of all purpose or reason.

Selfishness? The driving force. The will to live. “Devour to survive - so it is, so its always been.”

Selflessness and altruism, and compassion? Something that would have been left out, but its incorporation into lifeforms was unavoidable and necessary. Mothers need to love their children; People need to be willing to put the greater good before their own well-being – only because it was evolutionarily advantageous for people to behave this way. We needed it for survival. A newborn child could not survive if its mother did not love and care for it. If people did not hold up the virtue of a greater good, then societies and civilizations would never be able to form due to the brute hostility and self-centered actions of its members.

I want to believe in love, and I want to believe in compassion and “good” - but how can I when there is so much working against it, and the definition of “good and evil” is so vague that sometimes they switch places and one becomes the other - isn’t it all subjective? Good and evil? One man’s ‘good’ is another man’s ‘evil’ - and neither man has a valid justification for their perspective.

This paradox builds up into a grand spiral of subjectivity - everything we have ever known about anything, anything we will never know about everything - a non plus ultra.

Perhaps it has been my pursuit of the “ultimate honesty” that has lead me to this state of misery and psychosis - perhaps I have tried too hard to reach it, even after I know very well that it is unreachable.

Perhaps I haven’t been willing enough to “let go” and let emotions guide me to the best outcome - I have been gripping too tightly onto the steering wheel of my mind, and I have been trying too hard to control things that would normally operate by themselves perfectly fine if I had just left them alone. But more and more keeps getting sucked in - more and more of reality is being sucked in to try and provide an explanation for why it is happening.

A self-sustaining ultimatum.

My pursuit for a verification of reality is precisely the driving factor pushing reality further and further away.

How do you defeat such a monster? I can’t slay the dragon - perhaps if I let it return to its slumber and go back to my simple life, it will cease its assault against me. Perhaps once it sees that I have given up, and am no longer willing to defend myself, it will stop attacking me out of pity. But who am I trying to fool? This “Dragon” is actually me, and it is Me fighting Me – a duality, a schism — The will working against itself; a snake trying to swallow its own tail; the heads of two enemies that have been attached to the same body out in order to satisfy the sick humor of some dark primordial wizard who is simply thrilled by the pure irony of the situation.

It could be theater, and I’m hoping that one day I will look back on it as such.

Please give me some advice, any advice at all. I hope you see how all of this was philosophical. However, it is just as much my cries of agony as much as it is a philosophical writing - so if it doesn’t belong, or borders a more appropriate section of this website, I completely understand and would agree with you… Its just hard to have any proper judgment in the state of mind I’m in right now, having been up all night without sleep.

Ummm…so have you thought about knocking off the amphetamines, just to see what happens?

What are you prescribed amphetamines for? I’m on dexedrine for narcolepsy, and have had a couple of encounters with psychosis (haven’t recurred for a decade now).

That honesty thing continues to be a bitch for me as well. Think of deception as a necessary social art form. The “truth” is not something that can be stated merely in terms of honesty anyway, so don’t perseverate on it. Deception is also a necessary skill in acquiring things like a stable relationship to a mate. Since I have had my wife in my life (a decade), things have become significantly more predictable. :smiley: ( :blush: )

Also, lay off anything like “regular” dope use when you’re on amphetamines: it activates predispositions to schizophrenia.

Dear Mike,

I invite you to post a frontal photograph of your face. The best one to choose would be in neutral light, where your face has its ordinary everyday expressions (without exaggerated false smiling or gloom, without appearance posing etc.)


Ok first of all I have to say that I have limitations about what I write in an open forum, but I try to be a help for you as best as I can.

From what I see from your case, you overfilled yourself and the consequences have appeared. First thing I need you to know is that, try to get away from the things like philosophy for a little bit. Philosophy, beside all the goodness that it has, it’s also destructive because a huge part of the philosophy is actually “The War of Words” than anything else. Getting into such things too much will harm the mind. Philosophy, like any other science and path of knowledge, will not save the world solely. Being too much philosophical will infect the mind and lock the paths to you. Action is always louder than the words. Try to tame that storm of thoughts you’ve made inside your head with the weird things like “are we exist or not exist?”, “Why we’re not honest?”, “What if everyone else in the world is just a figment of my imagination” and stuffs like that and focus on other aspects of your life too. The aspects that make you develop in other ways too, beside only filling up your mind with un-necccessary thoughts.

I saw your “I Just Disproved Existence” some weeks ago. Although from the topic I’ve already found out that this topic is another 'Cycle of Nowhere" thing but still I read about half of your post and as I was expecting, I couldn’t understand anything about what you’re up to with sucha thing. Right when I saw that title I said to myself about the thread opener “Did you forget that you exist to disprove the existence?!”.

There are somethings that I need to inform you about them. They might be a big help for you throughout your life:

1- Everything that you talk about, everything that you hear, read, feel…they all exist. You can never talk about something that doesn’t exist. Was I clear on this one?!

2- Don’t look for anything saint in your life. There is only one “saint” thing in the world and that’s “Balance”. The more you get imbalance, the more you’re tended to destruction. Don’t think that philosophy or any other path of knowledge is the ultimate science in the world. All the sciences together makes the One, not one or two or 10 of them. If you’re really so eager about the Reality then try to develop in all sciences, not just one.

3- Try to be fair to yourself. Don’t think you’re a God or a Prophet. Even if you want them, you have to sweat for them. Greatness ain’t no piece of cake for anyone out there. Complicated things have complicated rules too. So either accept it and go for them and expect the roughness or step back.

4- Reality is bigger than any word and any science. The reality is ALL of them! Evaluate your view toward the reality cause if you think you are really into it then you should not complain about it cause reaching the hard thing needs the hard effort too.

5- Your whole system is not soley your mind or your philosophical views. They all need caring and work for the better answer. When you abandon your other organs of your body and just focus on some particular things, the abandoned organs will have their affection on you too. Remember your system is connected to each other overally. You mind is not separate from you legs, hands, stomach, nerves, emotions and the rest. The failure in a particular organ will affect your whole system, and when it gets hard to control the problems will apear.

6- Don’t look for anything pure in your life. The world is set up on the “Levels”. Everything is relative. Base on the cirmustances the things get stronger or weaker. If you are so into this, you have to look for the things that strengthen or weaken the things and try to develop the first and decrease the second.

7- The people remarked as “successful” out there mostly are not really successful in the Universal aspect. They are just successful, base on their particular society and the particular period of time that they’ve been living through. Most of the influential people in the history were rejected at their own time from the other people, only they’ve been understood the years after their demise. If you can clear the path of your thoughts and see what you’re really up to with the thoughts that you have in your mind, then either try to progress on those thoughts and go ahead or adjust them and evaluate them all once again. It is very important to have the control (even at some distance) over your thoughts. “Be master of mind rather than mastered by mind.” (Zen Proverb)

8- Believe it or not, your feelings are the most important part of you. Don’t leave them for dead. Take care of them cause if you don’t you will see the consequences. You can’t take care of the world while you can’t even take care of yourself.

9- John C. Maxwell says: “Policies are many, Principles are few, Policies will change, Principles never do”. Find the principles.

“Obsessional does not necessarily mean sexual obsession, not even obsession for this, or for that in particular; to be an obsessional means to find oneself caught in a mechanism, in a trap increasingly demanding and endless.”

This quote from Lacan I picked off the internet seems a good place to start. This psychoanalist describes how a subject is defined by a subject-object relation, where the object, an object of longing, desire, is fundamentally missing, excluded from his consciousness. - In that sense the subject is actually defined by that incompleteness, so the subject becomes the lack which separates it from wholeness. I think this is your condition as well, but emphasized by chemicals and an active interest in this missing object, which is a kind of intellectual narcissism. We can recognize this as the stimulus, the cause of all art and most philosophy, all illogical action in attempts to find ‘truth’. I heard someone say that the only ways out of this polarity are death and mystical union. The latter should be defined quite broadly, in my opinion. But it goes on - according to Lacan, this incompleteness, this shutting out of a certain chunk of reality from the subject, is the cause of differentiating reality from the chaos of impression one has, or is, as an infant, which develops during childhood into an imaginative vague order of impressions, finally into language, where reality is chopped up and put together again artificially, and incompletely. Now the proper cure would be to find a way in which reality can be understood and expressed as a whole, but this is slightly ambitious, of course, to try to accomplish at once. A step in this direction is understanding strange languages, seeing how impossible things can actually be expressed if you have different words and different syntax. You can fill in parts of the blank left by your native narrative, and get at least a taste of filling the void, breaking the mechanism of obsession. But of course any language will only be actually efficient in doing so when it is understood from the gut. There is no instrumental use in reading French poetry as an aesthetic exercise. Language is a physical thing, it is literally impossible to mentally verbalize, formulate thoughts, when the tongue is relaxed. Speech needs to be instinctive to be expressive, you cannot expand your psycho-emotional frame of reference by mimicry. Unfortunate for english natives is that it is hard for them to acquire a proper tongue in most other languages - in any case, it needs a lot of force. You need to be able to scream and curse and cry in a language before you can speak it like a civilized being. It need to fill a gap that was formed in early childhood.

Quitting drug use is a noble goal, but it will not suffice, is my guess. You took them for a reason, that reason hasn’t disappeared by using them, it never does - it can only be treated by altering the patterns of interpretation which are embedded in your life. Nobody has ever been cured of a psychosis, or from ‘normal life’, for that matter, by ‘calming down’. The anxiety is a force of nature, a condition of humanity, which we all try to keep under control, but which actually rules every single human-all too human act and desire, the entire capitalist system, of which socialism is also a part, could not exist if not for this fundamental lack that makes us individuals, persons, who are looking for a destiny, a greater goal. You can either embrace it in all it’s consequences, which means you would have to ‘‘go out there’’ and ‘‘seek the holy grail’’, or renounce your self, in the tradition of the yogis and buddhists. But most attempts to do the latter are actually symptoms of a repressed Grail-quest, an attempt to fill the void that kept knocking on the door in the shape of the devil. There are many terms for this non-existence you are now, as a consequence of being honest, identifying with, because it is the center around which western psychology revolves, and every psychologist is compelled make up his own name for it. I would recommend Slavoj Zizek for a contemporary and radical interpretation of it.

Lastly, don’t be surprised if your anxiety gets even worse, or more intense before you get a grip on it. Around the ages of 18-21 human males have dangerously strong and irrational reactions to ‘the Other’, which is well known to brainwashers and other recruiting agencies, such as people who are trying to help, redirect and cure you. I don’t believe in all that. I value madness to much as a security-force against insanity.

I started finding this funny a few years ago myself, so I turned it around. I’ll often say “I have to urinate” to people. It really throws them off. Urinate is such a proper, precise word, but it’s so unusual to announce a trip the restroom in that way…it’s even less socially acceptable to say that than "I gotta pee’.

Usually their answer to “I have to urinate” is “Well thanks for telling me.” Like you wouldn’t know what was up if I said, “Excuse me, I’m going to use the restroom.”

Have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye? If you haven’t, you must. Keep in mind while you’re reading that Holden Caulfield is not a role-model, but I think you will find his pattern of thought…comforting.

I actually got the chills as I read your post man. I can relate - heavily - to nearly everything you said. I have been what I can best describe as “lost” almost my entire life, and I am not out of the woods by any means now so, unfortunately, I don’t have incredibly insightful answers to give. All I can really offer is a nod in recognition as I genuinely know what you are experiencing (to some degree at least), the notion that you are not alone, and maybe a few quick thoughts…

  1. Amphetamine driven psychosis is very real, dangerous, and surprisingly common. My guess is that you are exceeding your recommended dose in intervals - as any ‘user’ knows that daily intake is not nearly as euphoric as massive, protracted doses followed by breaks. Though, I also know that these protracted doses often turn into daily (or increasingly frequent) abuse, which, I would assume, is where your suspected year of psychosis found its fuel. I can assure you that such psychosis is not permanent, though some long-term after effects may occur. You have not screwed yourself up for life, and your pattern is not irreversible. First thing first – cessation of the amphetamine is absolutely necessary in order to let your body and mind repair itself. Next comes withdrawal, post-acute-withdrawal, and rest. If you have a recommended dosage above 40mg of Amp per day, and you are less than 200lb, question it. If you need the meds, find an amount that works for you but allows you to think clearly (…and, yes, I know that speed induced “tunnel vision”, as I call it, seems like ‘clarity’ but it is filled with desperation and emotional uncertainty that influences your thinking.). To escape your own prison you MUST let your body repair and break the psychological addiction. You have NOT “ruined” yourself - focus on you before you do on repairing relationships you may have damaged.

  2. You suspect that you have been in a state of psychosis for a year, you’ve broken relationships, your cognitive dissonance seems to have become unbearable, you’ve lost much of your joy in life – you are an addict. Realize that these are symptoms of addiction and withdrawal controlling your life. The ideas you touch on are complex enough as is, I can only imagine them at 100mph in a continuous stream. Your ideas are not entirely delusion, the problem becomes the obsessive dwelling on such ideas. Try to recognize where you stop and the drugs begin.

  3. My personal conclusion is that conflict is inevitable in life. “good” and “honest” cause as much conflict as “bad” and “dishonest” – you’re either going to face disagreements when being honest, or animosity if you lie. Morality and ethics cannot save someone from public opinion. Strive for your ideas of virtue, that is the best any of us can do. Wondering what else could have been, or should be, will only add to your cognitive dissonance because you want to feel good, but doubt yourself at every turn.

  4. Be you and don’t be afraid of yourself - there is more to life than being “understood” or socially accepted. Those things are nice, but I find that they often result from a willful contradiction to what I actually believe. I find comfort in the quote by Epicurus “we have nothing to hope and nothing to fear” – you are you, you are here now; I often find myself stuck pondering questions, doubts, and hypotheticals when the present is staring in my face, begging my attention.

  5. PM me if you want to discuss further. I am not a counselor by any means – just another thinker that struggles with himself in similar ways.

I’ve given it a few weeks off. There is no improvement, I just plateau off of the downward spiral for a while until I start them up again.


Do you dream?

Yeah, my dreams are a lot more vivid and peaceful than my daily consciousness, strangely

I am actually surprised to hear that considering what you speak about. But i could be wrong.

Anyway, I do think that horrible dreams can help us if we take the time to examine them.

And being that your dreams are vivid and peaceful, when you wake up, do you try to put yourself back there within that peace?

As far as the monsters go, we can’t really run from them as you know. We can’t run from ourselves we can just look at ourselves. What are the monsters trying to tell us. But you do know that. Isn’t it you who a while back read the 10lb book of Jung’s? :wink:

As soon as I wake up I enter cognitive dissonance again.
Yeah, I’ve read Jung

Hello Peachy. I can sympathize with you. I personally have not left my house in almost eight years now, and have abandoned the hope that any human word will be able to cross the gulf I have opened up between myself and the world. All I can say is
The vigor of dawn.-- Not even the purest, most scholastic eye and all the bountiful curiosity of our youth suffice for planting the seed of longing in a work of art or thinking. For that, the luckiest circumstance is required; namely, that we do not exhaust our meager store of food upon our voyage therein, or that our little ship will hold up against the devastations of the trumpeting storm, that perhaps land may once again shew itself over the brow of this sea. In the case of the philosopher, as well as the generally contemplative spirit, this second nature, so full of anticipation and uncertainty, is attained to and, following Pascal, destroys the first, whose basis lies in that need continually to assert and to distinguish ones self, to apprehend, cloister, condemn, and to approve. Yet one must not suppose that this nature is ever wholly forgotten, even beyond the hope of recognizing it; I mean the whole human economy of love, forgiveness, sociability, etc. It dwells and moves with every fresh advancement upon the path to wisdom and to art, born up continually with the aspirations toward this “second nature” which wants nothing more than to cast the earth before the patient eye of time. Every gardener knows that if we leave off of our vigilance for even one moment nature will reclaim what we have worked so diligently to create; let the philosopher avert himself from vigilance before the germ of thought and nature shall again voice herself with more indignance and provocation than ever she has; pangs of love and conscience, and the whole tyrannizing need to distinguish ones self will again betake themselves to his heart. With Fenelon, the philosopher must over again and again endeavor to “crucify her in his soul.” What then shall become of our solitude and contemplation when we occupy ourselves in these states of pain and reclamation, and of the avowal of everything that has grown sere, remote, and distant in us, with philosophy? Perhaps there is even somewhat of the imaginem transformatur a claritatem in claritem, 1 to speak with Vulcanius, in the most burning, most revelatory, pain. We philosophers! What profound Carmelites we are! We behave just like the sailor who resolves to found upon new land, and then quietly yeilds himself to the ocean deep: we submit ourselves for the moment, body as well as soul, to the uncertain in things; I mean, of course, to the uncertainty in ourselves, our labor, the world, suffering, and of the whole conspirans mutuus ardor. 2 And as the good sailor knows that something indeed awaits him in that deep, that there is land, we also know that in the vital instance we shall be discovered with both feet on the ground, so to speak-- that new land certainly will dawn upon us from the tide. “The veil of melancholy that is spread out over all of nature is the profound and unconquerable melancholy of all life.” 3 And yet, my dear Schelling, what is this ‘life’ but precisely that veil! Moreover, that unconquerable veil. Philosophy then: that means to touch with the unconquerable pain of life the veil of pain which conceals from us the creature that we are, and shamelessly to rend it as with fire. As in the dictum of Hippocrates, “Those complaints which medicine will not cure, iron shall; what iron will not cure, fire shall; what fire cannot cure, nothing shall.” So a philosopher has equally his medicine and iron: let his fire and purification be also the strongest refutation against him. The question then perhaps cannot be settled here, as to rather or not such solitude more thoroughly beatifies our voice; nor, like that bird which has broken its wing, if such pain can move a man to sing more nobly than ever he has; but the question had not even befallen me, as to rather or not it makes our voice ring out if only a jot more truthfully than before. Let a thinker confront these things like that Zopyrus who cuts out his eyes as well as tongue to gain the favor of his king, and by self-diminutions and abatements awaken from the Carmelitean torpor (it is called the night of the soul) with hunger and longings more frenzied and aroused, and as vigorous as the light and dawn itself-- hic se Deucalion Pyrrhae succensus amore mersit, et illesco corpore pressit aquas nec mora, fugit amore. 4

  1. The mind is transformed by the clarity of what is clearly apprehended.
  2. Lucretius: The mutual conspiracy of the passions.
  3. Schelling.
  4. Ovid. Literal meaning: one passion absolves and casts out another. [/size]


Well, shit. I remember being in a funk much like you presently are and then a thought entered into my head.

I was thinking of a friend of mine who literally lied so often and about so much stuff that he honestly believed many of his lies to be the truth. It came to such a point that he would relate a story about something that, “Happened,” and I personally knew the story to be complete balderdash, but he would sit there and tell it just like I would sit here and tell you (if you asked) what I had for lunch.

At that point, I thought, “Well, if it works for him, then why not me?” I don’t mean lying to other people, but I mean lying to myself. So, what I did was I forced myself to pretend to be happy and in a great mood all of the time. Everytime someone would ask how I was doing, I would respond positively and sell it harder and harder every time, but not to an extent where I appeared to be insane. In addition to that, I would describe simple things that happened to me with excitement in my voice, I’d make more of an effort to laugh when someone said something humourous.

Eventually, it became real. First I believed the lie, but then as opposed to a lie about a physical event in the past, the lie actually became the truth. I was happy and full of energy and have been ever since. You just condition yourself to be happy and it eventually becomes automatic. Where my default mood was once a sort of quiet sorrow, my default mood has now for a long time been contentment, with other moods manifesting themselves as necessary.

I think that the first step is just to walk around with a slight smile on your face. Don’t even really smile, but just adopt an expression as though you are getting ready to smile. Behaving in a certain way can often lead to feeling that way. Much like people who do body-building are often energetic and people who relax on the couch all day have trouble motivating themselves to do anything.

First off: If the amp is prescribed by a doctor, get back to him and explain that the dosage is fucking you up. If you’re “freelancing”, stop. Pursuing reality is a dice shoot when we’re straight. When we don’t know straight from fucked up on dope, what are the chances? Get off the shit if you possibly can.

Lay off the unanswerable questions. The “am I a butterfly dreaming?” questions take you no where but into the endless hall of mirrors. Recognize that reality isn’t outside, but inside you. Begin at the beginning. Start thinking about the simple shit. Can this T shirt be worn one more time before it becomes hazardous waste? Shall I have a banana or an orange for breakfast?

Find a relatively simple physical activity and focus on doing it to the very best of your ability. Perfect it. Make it an art form. Forget everything else but THAT. Let go of the meaning or lack of meaning of the universe. Focus on what is meaningful right now, this moment, in your immediate surroundings.

Forget trying to find the ultimate answer to anything or everything. The sun will still come up in the morning and is likely to do that every day for the rest of your life. There will be plenty of time to pursue meta meta philosophy. But for now, get simple. Do simple things in simple ways and think about all that you do in simple a>b ways.

An observation: You will never deal with complexity until you have mastered simplicity.

A little known secret: For all the blah blah blah about philosophy and the ethereal heights of human thought bandied about by the foolish, real philosophers return to simplicity as far as they may.

Summation: Get off the dope, get simple, relax and let yourself become being instead of trying to be as…

If one doesn’t believe in life after death one realises that they will have no power when they die to do anything. The physical death of the body is not the only death, however. Death of ones purpose is also possible. Death of hope is possible. There is nothing to live for but happiness. Those who are disposed towards sorrow feel that this to be a hopeless goal. Manifesting a destiny, a destiny that may happen or not happen; depending upon choice seems the next leap. Doing what one thinks to be right is important. In your case you attack yourself but persist in the fact that you think that it is the right choice despite the lack of pleasure and the enduring pain. Wanting to cease such pain is a natural reaction but the will to persist overcomes. This is your meaning in life. Some are destined to go down the road of hardship despite others wanting them to come over to the other side to be happy. It is to bad that life must be this way. I do not see how it can be any other way than this. Except for those who are complacent and stick to their ideas. But those that takes this path see others paths as futile. Some may call it narcissism. That is, the realization that others lives have no meaning of which you may discern. Rather there is no value to there life. Except that you should share and that they should work towards a unified goal of perfection. Such truth would have to be absolute. That is undoubtable. What follows from their who cares? Revel in the glory of the undoubtable and ask what purpose this does have. The world is virtually meaningless to those who want more than what little meaning it offers.

Such a life is no life at all.

Hey man figure out what makes you happy. Even if other people think it sucks or it makes them mad, just keep doin it. Friends will come and go, and you’ll always find something to do. So don’t sweat life. It sucks all around sometimes, but you gotta live it anyway cause if you don’t then you cancel out the possibility of ever fucking 2 supermodels and the top of mt everest while geeked up on X on top of a pile of cash.

I mean, maybe you weren’t gonna do that, and maybe you don’t think you can, but if you don’t get out there and try, then surely it will never happen.

Also, listen to some old corny music. Check out a guy names A.C. Reed. He’s funny.

But I don’t want to be hollow. I want to be real. I don’t to be the very outer shell of emotions for ideas that do not actually exist. I want something inside of me, I want to consist of something. How else would I be able to verify my own existence? Unless of course, I gave up on it, and figure that the suffering I am experiencing is still suffering, and my primary goal should be to mitigate it. In which case, I might as well fade all the way down into a comfortable dementia, just me in my own head, my own thoughts, my own paradise - viewing the residual art left over from an existence I once participated in, and I could sit there and gaze off into the patterns of flow and energy, and be lost in that place.