I lik
Ikk
Personally, I think this has little to do with your mentality towards others. There’s a sort of a catch-22 involved in that respect as well. See, you say you want to be wanted, to be one of those people people always want around. But you don’t want to be crazy or false or insincere. You don’t want to call people or actually always have to be there, you just want people to always want you there.
All that seems sort of contradictory. And that leads me to believe that you’re just not happy with who you are, but you’re not sure why. You think that people could like you more, or whatever, but I think you’re projecting a distaste you have for yourself.
The catch-22 of this is that people actually prefer people who like themselves. Most people are insecure about what to do, and they look for someone who knows what they’re doing to follow. And if you’re confident, it looks like you know what you’re doing.
But you can’t be confident if the only reason your doing it is for the approval or desire of others. You need to accept yourself for who you are for you, not for others. You need to be happy and secure with yourself regardless what other people think.
The Dalai Lama suggests practicing love. Picture the parts about you that you don’t like, and try to love them. Love yourself in spite of them, but love them as necessary, even if temporary, parts of your self. Think of people you hate, and try to feel love for them. Think of things that upset you, and try to find a love and appreciation for those things. Literally practice loving people and things, especially yourself, and it won’t matter whether or not people like you. And the people will probably really want to hang out with you. Catch-22.
I can’t substantiate this without speaking with you but it sounds like you have resentment issues about rejection: the people in your past have been neglectful of your needs and merely seeking their own, so you need to compensate by helping them (a dependancy complex, reversed) but need to feel the power so they have to come to you. But because of the unavailability you perceive as necessary to your own ends people’s perceptions of you have become unimportant, they would be ignorant to any changes you have; the few that would notice would see this as a cry for attention rather than a change as you would no longer be unavailable (this ‘available for attention’). Because of the perceived indifference in who you need to have acceptance in you take an aggressive attitude believing that you can force yourself onto people and they will have to submit (a self-realized truth, not necessarily universal).
You present a case wherein you need acceptance but surround yourself with people who are unwilling to accept you. You have qualities many do prize in friends (indeed I can see myself in a lot of what you describe, and still have healthy relationships) but I would be interested to hear of the people you do either try to bait to you or power your way into. It may be simply that your dual nature of unavailability and aggression has masked your true qualities: perceptions of you may be of an indifferent yet pushy person, clouding your ‘so nice’ persona in the collective group consciousness.
As for advice, I would say that your approach is not true to your nature. Part of what you feel is your beneficial qualities is the fact that you are ‘nice’. I would presume you are generally honest and usually sincere (correct me if I am wrong) so a gimmick to attract people to you isn’t within your actual drawing power. Unless you are willing to become the ‘blunt jerk’… and I don’t agree with a personality change based in social needs. Rather than attempt to draw people towards you shift the locus of the people you are drawing, find a group that will be more accpepting of you as you.
Also, I believe your goals of being the typical groupie-friend (the friend everyone wants around) and the wiseman (the person people seek for advice) may be mutually exclusive. Although people do find wisdom and advice in their friends you cannot kiss the rump if your friends, friendship must be based on mutual respect or it will be jaded.
Awwww…ok now listen…
Raven beats him over head with newspaper. 
Listen be yourself. Respect yourself and others. People will come and go out of your life all the time. What difference if they all sit around you. Most of all be truthful. To yourself, to life and to your art.
You have got so much to learn. In that I mean life. So much to enjoy.
I remember once someone told me if you have the amount of friends on one hand you are fortunate. So I thought…friends… I came up with 4 true friends. Rest just people I knew. would they be there for me through anything…only a few. Those are the ones I cherish.
You will reinvent yourself many times over in life. Enjoy life.
How to woo women? Be charming and mean it.
Thanks guys.
That all made alot of sense.
You made some good points blue chicken. Even to this day, I don’t feel people want to hear what I have to say, they only listen to be nice. Even my family, I can be talking about a topic, giving out useful information, that I myself find ‘neat’ and my family is blunt enough to say, ‘ok thats enough’ and ‘here we go again’ even when theres some to be untold. I love hearing new information, hearing stories if you can tell stories well. Is it just many people aren’t like this? Or is it just people think I really don’t know what i’m talking about because I defend everything so deeply? If someone asks me a question, I suppose I do this: I answer, and then I give details of why I believe that or why that is. Maybe just an answer is good enough, and if they beg for a reason, then I give one. I suppose backing up your statements only make you look weak if they don’t ask for it. I have noticed that trait I have.
I’ve taught some drawing classes to people, and I thought the fact that I do explain things in depth, that I’d make a great teacher. But maybe being a great teacher isn’t about that. It’s about telling someone to do something, and if they challenge you then defend yourself. I guess, always being so defensive makes you look unconfident in what you’re saying.
When I’ve lied, which isn’t often, people believe me because I don’t go into detail. When I tell the truth people don’t believe me… it’s odd.
Anyway,
Thanks for taking the time to respond guys.
Or is it just people think I really don’t know what i’m talking about because I defend everything so deeply? If someone asks me a question, I suppose I do this: I answer, and then I give details of why I believe that or why that is. Maybe just an answer is good enough, and if they beg for a reason, then I give one. I suppose backing up your statements only make you look weak if they don’t ask for it. I have noticed that trait I have.
I’ve taught some drawing classes to people, and I thought the fact that I do explain things in depth, that I’d make a great teacher. But maybe being a great teacher isn’t about that. It’s about telling someone to do something, and if they challenge you then defend yourself. I guess, always being so defensive makes you look unconfident in what you’re saying.
When I’ve lied, which isn’t often, people believe me because I don’t go into detail. When I tell the truth people don’t believe me… it’s odd.
Anyway,
Thanks for taking the time to respond guys.
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This sounds like me. My roommate would keep having to tell me " Joe, you don’t need to explain everything." I’m not sure why i explain things, it just sort of snowballs into lengthy discussions and i could honestly talk for days if i fall into this “explaining mode.” My other roommate would also tell me " You ask very leading questions." This was in between classes and we ended up talking for several hours. After this i tried to keep it to a minimum. I’m the same way with lying haha i just read that last piece… It doesn’t help that i’ve taking improv either. In your case about teaching drawing i think its good to explain things in detail. But that may be just me…Also i don’t view explanations as weak i just view them as a complement(s) to whatever i just said.
Honestly my advice is be yourself until someone tells you out of constructive criticism that perhaps you should tone it down a bit. But always be yourself!
- Joe
This sounds like me. My roommate would keep having to tell me " Joe, you don’t need to explain everything." I’m not sure why i explain things, it just sort of snowballs into lengthy discussions and i could honestly talk for days if i fall into this “explaining mode.” My other roommate would also tell me " You ask very leading questions." This was in between classes and we ended up talking for several hours. After this i tried to keep it to a minimum. I’m the same way with lying haha i just read that last piece… It doesn’t help that i’ve taking improv either. In your case about teaching drawing i think its good to explain things in detail. But that may be just me…Also i don’t view explanations as weak i just view them as a complement(s) to whatever i just said.
Honestly my advice is be yourself until someone tells you out of constructive criticism that perhaps you should tone it down a bit. But always be yourself!
- Joe
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Lol, yeah I can do the same thing. I can really, have a conversation about nothing and be pleased. I could talk for days, but whats incredible and nice is all the new thoughts that come about doing this. I had a recent trip with a friend, a drive that was 6 hours. We both had headaches at the end, and my throat was hurting and dry. There’s something addictive, and trance like, about talking.
Like those old all night conversations I’d have with friends at sleepovers, or at least I had them. You’d wonder where time went, and why you can’t have more. 12 oclock becomes 6, and makes no sense.
I know exactly how you feel about talking, but since most people find it annoying, I end up talking to myself, literally, it’s like meditation because you are penetrating something through thought but also the speaking is relaxing like waves pushing an empty bottle back, and forth against your head.
Does that make me crazy, frankly I don’t care, some of the best arguements I’ve ever had were with myself.
You learn to question, not only reality and truth, but your own interpretation of it, better than sitting with your legs crossed and chanting a mantra, or perhaps it’s the same thing?
No that is when your just saying “ommmm powwa…mow mow” Supposee to transcendental you.
Raven–I heard a cat saying,‘‘ommmm powwa…mow mow’’ in the middle of the night once, perhaps it was a reincarnated buddhist?
Nah a buddhe cat