Here is a critique I did for an undeserving scoundrel. He kept bumping and bumping his topic (on another forum) so I took some time and helped him out by reading it. After I did the crit, he more or less told me to buzz off. He’s only thirteen so I forgave him. The bastard.
But I thought I did a rather good job, so what do you guys think of the crit I gave him? I thought I was dead on…
B/c I used to write and you seem rather anxious, I’ll see if I can help. I need time to pass. I’m going to break it up into sections and give you advice at the end.
Our story takes place in a forest known as Kokori Forest.
"NAVI!“said a tree
“what?”
“That’s the ninth person you’ve gone on an adventure with that died!”
“Your point?”
“THAT’S UNACCEPTIBLE!”
“and what are you gonna do about it?”
“I’m " gonna” asign you to a non-kokori named link!”
Too much “back and forth” dialogue. Might as well be an interview.
Our story technically starts right here… So enjoy the rest!
“Link…” I heard a lyrical voice…
“Link…” there it was again…
“LINK!” oh it was just Saria… No fairy… AGAIN!
“What took you so long to wake up Link?”
“I was just dreaming about an adventure with a fairy…” I replied
“Dreaming won’t get you anywhere!”
“I know… and I’m wondering… why did you wake me up?” I asked
“Because today is the huge Kokori forest party in the middle of the village!”
“Really?” I asked in surprise
“Ya! and it’s starting reeeeeeeeally soon!”
“Well what’s taking us so long”
“IT TOOK ME 2 HOURS TO WAKE YOU UP!”
“Ooohhhh… Whoopsie…”
“NOW LET’S GET GOING!”
“Righto.”
-If your gonna use dialogue, say who said what. I got confused. Also describe how they said it. (emotion-wise.) and maybe what they were doing when they said it.
-Don’t use number’s in a story. Type them out.
-Still way too much dialogue, not enough describing of what the characters are actually “feeling” when they say these things.
-Caps lock is the devil
-Use a thesaurus, there are better words than “asked” and “replied” Or at least use an adjective. “I asked, disgruntled.” It just adds so much more flare to the story.
-This paragraph goes on too long. Two or three long sentences are more enjoyable than 10 short sentences. Rework the mechanics of your sentences and place some describing words here and there. Don’t go overboard.
So they both walked for around 15 minutes. Link, being the lazy ass that he is, fell asleep and Saria left him on the ground. He woke up 8 hours later and walked back to his “house” (Which really is just a hut on a tree) Stuck his head out his window and started to cry (what do you expect? He’s only 12). Then jumped on his bed (affectionanly made out of… straw and sticks) and fell asleep…again. Meanwhile a partictular fariy was fighting with his boss…
-Why did he cry?
-Again, watch the numbers thing
-There are plenty more exciting words than “jumped” and “fighting” that mean the same thing. Use a thesaurus.
-left him on the ground? What kind of ground? Dirt, clay, mud, sand, grass? You need to put a picture into the mind of the reader. Show them, do not tell them. (Remember that phrase!)
-Parentheses should almost never be used, ever. If it needs to be said, say it regularly. Most things in parentheses just dont need to be said and can get annoying.
“Noooooooooo way dude.”
“You have to, live with it.”
“NEVER!”
“SHOOT HIM!”
An army of over a thousand fairies came out of no where, all cocking there guns
“Don’t make me tell them to shoot you again. 'Cause they will.”
“Ehha… So…um…where does this Link live?”
“Kokori forest.”
“But you said-”
“He doesn’t know he’s non-kokori!”
“Kay…”
“NOW GO!”
“Sir yes Sir!”
-Again with the “back and forth” dialogue. This is the biggest problem in your story, and your interview style writing isn’t gonna go far, mate.
-Okay, so here is achance to show some serious emotion, yet it never quite peaks through due to you not describing things well enough. What kind of faeries were they? Angry? What kind of guns? What did it sound like when they were yelling? What is it like being ordered what to do, what feelings does that arise? Show me, don’t tell me.
So Navi flew as fast as her little wings could carry her (which wasn’t ery fast mind you) to Kokori village. She looked all around untill she saw a boy without a fairy…and a poofy green hat.
“Kid, wake up.”
“Zzzz…Go to hell Saria…”
“Saria, SARIA! WHO THE HELL IS SARIA!”
“Wha-What!”
“Kid, it’s me your fairy.”
“WOW I HAVE A FAIRY!” I screamed.“I HAVE TO TELL SARIA!”
“Kid, we’ve got more important stuff to do.”
“How so?”
“The Deku tree wanted to talk to you”
“A tree?”
“Not a tree, The deku tree!”
“Kay…”
“This is gonna be a loooooooooooooong life…”
Overall I really don’t understand what the plot was or what I just read, but I see you have passion for writing and thats all that counts. Plus you are only 13 so you got plenty of time to blossom.
(It turns out I only read part of the story, but I later found out it was ridiculously long. And just more of the same.)