Please help me to improve a lyric

Hello everyone

A year ago I finished writting some songs, which I sporadically perform live as a kind of 14-piece medley. I’m quite happy with (most of) the music and a couple of them, but this time I’d really like you to help me improve the opener, lyric-wise, since, you know, if the first song sucks, you’ve made a hash.

Most of the lyrics of this first piece (titled “North And South”) haven’t been modified, and I admit some of them are total pants. The only recent additions are the first two stanzas. So here it goes:

NORTH AND SOUTH:

Deal the cards, refill the cup
The pile of darts is now built up

You have set the world for me to move on now
I can’t help but keep wondering how
Every hopeful claim is utter lie
I can’t escape from the unanswerable question “why”

Strange unknown the past is dead
Resident, dweller, resign decline
Refuge misfortune… the mean value
Solutions, insurance… hibernation too

On and off at noon, whispering kooshi
None of my feelings affect you but they all get me

But you and me can’t make any sense
Cause you and me are just the same
Buying and selling, lightning the bulb
Knitting the wool, blowing through the earth

Leave resign for you and I
will never become the next step high
like there’s an R & J like A & C
there’s E & I but there’ll be not an S&M

North and South, East and West
lips and mouth, Ross and Rache
but you and me can’t make any sense
cause you and me are just the same

More and less don’t exist anyway
pick up your list and let me be with you right there
come now where you can always be with me
but first remind me what’s the deal with you and me
the deal with you and me, the deal with Martha and me

Strange unknown the past is dead
resident, dweller, resign decline
refuge misfortune set your bloody price high
sort it while you can, or at least dare to try

North and south (fade out)


As I’m writing it I realise even more that several parts are stupid. You know how ego defense is more often than not nothing but lack of sense.

Anyway, I welcome any kind of critics, but especially if they can help me to make the lyric good for a change… I’m generally pleased with the music of that song so far, it’s very simple but catchy and likeable.

Thanks in advance

I havent heard the music, but I think you need some of the lyrics repeated more and, may I ask, where is the bridge in the song?

Repeat:

“You and me are just the same” about two more times, and it would carry a better punch.

I am a musician and write lyrics all the time. If you have it on CD - you could email it to me, and I’ll give you my take…

It’s very difficult to help you out when I have never heard the song, especially it’s rhythm. I am a musician and I write songs, and I know it’s tough to sometimes fit those few words into a sentence while also keeping the rhythm… one thing I would have to say about your song is that I don’t like the way it rhymes… it doesn’t have a very good rhyming pattern… is there any way you could email the song to me? I would like to hear it, because it’s really hard to give you constructive criticism when I have only read the lyrics. Thanks. I’m deadkennedys_wtf@hotmail.com