With the light crashing down upon my crown,
I suspect a false fever.
Helios’s broken arrows ignite my radiant sundown,
I’m less of a Holy Griever.
A wide grin cracks open my cranial façade,
Sparking enlightenment deep within,
The blood from my body is being clawed
Out to be free by the need therein.
The forest revives in me a feeling of importance
It is the Yin to my Yang
We hold an unspoken, biological ord’nance
An instinctual pact of recognition, consang.
But there is a flower deep within my forest,
Bathed in an ultra-violent purple light,
With six black petals harnessed,
And upon inspection glows another strange light.
The light of Lucifer’s halo, long-discarded
Hangs over the neck of my flower,
And because it is within my forest guarded,
It is a part of my soul, forever sour.
Such is the nature of humanity and fear,
The hand of Man is not welcome here.
I hope you’ll forgive me for the constructive criticism; <3 I’m just doing my best.
I think it’s got great potential, Mr(s). OK Computer. However, I do think there’s a lot to say for responsible symbolism; you’ve already got the basics of word construction, rhythm, meter and imagery down pat: I could see a lot of the images you described to illuminate the narrator’s soul and such. However, using so much symoblism in one poem often confuses the reader. Usually only one blatant religious name thrown around is enough. :3
My favourite is the reference to Helios, and to the Griever, naturally. ^^ I think the first stanza carries a good deal of decided tone - I wouldn’t change that upon revision.
i think your vocabulary and thoughts are great, but i think as a writer you are in transition. its as if you are caught between some form of poetry (or a poetic form) that is intuitive and natural for you and conservative formal poetry. i think you should follow more of the former and move away from the latter. however, thats just me. its seems many people on ILP like to keep up some older poetic traditions whereas i tend to push for the modern/contemporary.
either way, i hope you keep contributing.
