I think that’s definently possible. As for scaring her off I think it all might have been a little too much too soon. I’d say to try being a friend first and try for more if the opportunity pops up.
Beautiful Xander,
You give me too much power.
A
No, xanderman, I don’t think it was over-bearing at all.
‘every hidden passage’… maybe she knows you’ll get more than you bargain for, and is sparing you both the consequences.
Indifference… if you really read her like that, after what you were able to intuit earlier… it’s like you’re one of the stony faces of incomprehension. No offense at all meant; I hope you understand.
somenewname,
How foolish of me. I was reading the surface but ignoring the depth of it. Indifference is just the mask. The deeper sensation is that of mistrust and incredulity which is far more telling.
Its a long a boring story. One which you have heard much of before. Actually the whole “heart turning black” thing is kinda hyperbolic. Most of the emotional scarring is gone now. Only aching in a rare moment. Although I don’t want to whack out the direction of this thread so if you want to continue feel free to private message me.
Maybe you’re right. However, there could be other reasons for putting up a wall, besides not trusting or believing you. But, whatever you see, you see.
Maybe it is easier to pursue a wall, than a person who is more open to you? Maybe you do it just for the challenge of it, and once you gain access, you will lose interest?
…good suggestion from Manifested.
Opening our heart means we must embrace vulnerability, risking hurt and pain, living with hope, going to the edge and plunging over. We cannot receive until we give…
JT
I’ll admit that this is guesswork on my part. There could be many reasons for her to put up a wall. If you have any additional insight then I would appreciate it.
Let me see if I can better show you what I am seeing. From what she has told me of her past she experienced a heavy measure of social isolation as a child. Not just isolation but in some cases outright antagonism from her peers.
My first hypothesis is that this history created a general defensive mechanism of mistrust.
My second hypothesis is that she also has a stronger desire for peer connection because of a lack of this in her early life.
Let me think about this point. In my past there was a time where I was more attracted to a woman because of obstacles in the way. Then when those obstacles were gone then it did change my attraction to the woman. That did not eliminate the attraction, but it did change the attraction.
I think that I am more mature now, but its difficult to really meaurse how mature you are at any given moment. Only living will show if I really am more emotionally mature.
Point taken. I have more modest aims now.
I would add one more dimension of complexity to that picture. Its a dance of the seven veils. One partner does not complete expose himself or herself while the other remaines completely obscured. Each partner slowely reveals more and more of the naked heart to the other. Its part of the development of trust. This dance can be beautiful in its own right, as long as both partners play fair.
Xander,
It is the naked heart that is so hard to give in to. Even in this forum, I have only seen about four men who are willing to expose the bare-bone- truths about themselves. I am clearly sexist on this issue because the overwhelming difference is in the nature of the beast… Women traditionally are allowed to cry, to be vulnerable; where men, as boys, are shunned for such behavior (“be a man,” and all that gunk).
I had a similar childhood in being ignored by my parents, so approval (even from strangers here) is far too important to me. I am working on that, but it does affect other relationships. Your friend may definitely feel the residue that lingers. I do.
Don’t give up on her, and just be there for her as a friend. Friends becoming lovers make the best marriages anyway.
My best.
I hear “naked heart”, I become like the hermit crab. Like some sort of… I dunno… reflex. Go over to Phucking & Filosophy in the Rant forum, if you want to know why, 'cause I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Xanderman, I’d say, whatever made her feel comfortable telling you what she’s already told you – stick with that, if that’s the sort of stuff you’re wanting from her. If you’re wanting something else, maybe she doesn’t have the slightest idea what you want or why you want it, or maybe she thinks whatever you want is not hers to give.
Take care. I don’t think I’ll have any further insights, but I wish you the best in this situation.
Xander,
Did you just come right out and tell her you wanted her? I mean actually say that? Sometimes one’s subtle messages do not come out as loudly and clearly as we think they do. Try it… if you haven’t already.