[size=75][Suitably peaceful music drifts through your speakers… Celine Dion perhaps…][/size]
“Welcome to today’s Armchair Pyschology half-hour - and our special guest, Dr Von Rasankoff… Welcome Doctor.”
“Danke Bob, I must admit you haff been most accomodatink.”
“So - Doctor, I believe you’ve just finished a new book, ‘The man who mistook his wife for an psychiatrist’, yes - do you wanna tell our listeners something about it…? Perhaps read us an exerpt…?”
“Ja-ja, it vud be my pleasure Ben, hmm let me zee, vich part vud you like to hear about…?”
“Well - personally speaking, I’d like to hear about your experience with dramatherapy…”
"But off courze, Bob I vud be - " [size=75][cough][/size]
“Sorry Doctor, would you like some water…?”
“Ja - gut, vater, I’m afreud I’m not az jung as I used to be mein frund.”
[size=84][Tah-dah…!][/size]
“Doctor, you kill me…”
“Anyvay, az I vuz sayink, dramatherapy… It reminds me of an interestink kase - Ze unusual relationzhip off Psyque unt Ze Alderian…”
“The station hastens to say these are psuedonyms… right Doc…?”
“Off courze - unt do not call me dok.”
“Sorry.”
“Psyque unt Ze Alderian took an almost instant dislike to eachother, zey displayed a mutual disrespekt zat quickly blossomed into a pathological obsession off vun-upmanship… But at ze zame time zey cud not rezist eachother, each usink ze other to fulfil their exhibitionizt nature, unt soothe zee need for attention… Rezulting in a nymphomaniac tenduntzy - zey literally cud not stop trying to vukk eachother in public…”
“Good lord…!”
“Indeet - Gut Gott. No matter vat ze thread or vat ze topic - zey just vukk unt vukk unt vukk unt vukk unt vukk !!!”
“Okay Doctor Rasankoff - I think we get the picture, here - let me wipe your microphone off there… But Doctor - Vat, I mean what did you do…?”
“I put zem into intensive dramatherapy. I tried to mak zem realize zere psychosis through playing zem out against different settinks…”
“Did it work…?”
“Alas - no, zey were complete failurez… Here, play zis tape, I haff compiled a few out-takes off zere sessionz…”
[size=75][tape cassette noises… crackle… hiss…][/size]
“Day 3 off therapy, I haff placed P. unt A. into ze roles off ‘Romeo unt Juliette’, in previous sessionz - as I hat hoped - zey haff zuccessfully overcome ze obstacle off zere differink psychologist/psychiatrist backgrountz, by associatink zem vith the Capulets unt ze Montigues, now zey vill act out ze final tragic scene, unt I am confident zat each vill symbolicly sacrifice zere pathological dislike in a ritual act off romantik suicide…”
[size=84][Psyque (in tights) sees his beloved Alderian lies dead on the slab (unbeknowest to Psyque in only a counterfeit drug-induced coma)][/size]
Psyque: “O my love! my wife!
Death, that hath suck’d the honey of thy breath…
…Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death…!”
[size=84][Romeo/Psyque siezes the true poison][/size]
Psyque:“Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here’s to my love…!”
[size=84][Drinks][/size]
Psyque:“O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die…”
[size=84][romeo/psyqueDies][/size]
[size=84][The Alderian (in heavy drag as Juliette) awakes][/size]
Alderian:“What’s here? a cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:
O churl! drunk all…”
[size=84][The Alderian tears off his wig][/size]
Alderian: “Got you, You FAKER psychologist - you forgot psychiatrists self medicate all the time…”
[size=84][Unzips his pants under his dress][/size]
Alderian: “Well - waste not want not - may as well give 'im one while he’s still [size=117]warm[/size]…”
“Day 4 off therapy, after ze failure off classic romanze… I decide to put P. unt A. into a more modern settink, in ze hope zat zis will produze more zatizfactory rezultz…”
[size=84][ TITANIC - DAY - Psyque helps the Alderian up onto the railings… He puts his hands on her waist. As if he is going to kiss The Alderian][/size]
Psyque:“Close your eyes.”
[size=84][Alderian does, and he turns her to face forward, the way the ship is going. He presses her gently to the rail, standing right behind her. Then he takes her two hands and raises them until she is standing with her arms outstretched on each side. Rose/Alderian is going along with him. When he lowers his hands, her arms stay up… like wings.][/size]
Psyque:“Okay. Open them.”
[size=84][Rose/Alderian gasps. There is nothing in her field of vision but water. It’s like there is no ship under them at all, just the two of them soaring. The Atlantic unrolls toward her, a hammered copper shield under a dusk sky. There is only the wind, and the hiss of the water 50 feel below.][/size]
Alderian:“I’m flying!”
[size=84][She leans forward, arching her back. He puts his hands on her waist as if to steady her…][/size]
[size=84][And pushes mightily…!][/size]
Psyque:“FUCK YOU - YOU STUPID PSYCHIATRIST - TELL THE FISH YOUR FUCKWIT IDEAS !!!…!”
“Day 5 off therapy, I think perhapz I choze ze wrong scene…”
193 INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE
[size=84][Psyque has climbed up on the bench, and is hugging the waterpipe. Rose/Alderian wades in, holding the axe above her head.][/size]
Alderian:“Will this work?”
Psyque:“We’ll find out.”
[size=84][They are both terrified, but trying to keep panic at bay. He positions the chain connecting the two cuffs, stretching it taut across the steel pipe. The chain is of course very short, and his exposed wrists are on either side of it.][/size]
Psyque:“Try a couple practice swings.”
[size=84][Rose/Alderian hefts the axe and thunks it into a wooden cabinet.][/size]
Psyque:“Now try to hit the same mark again.”
[size=84][She swings hard and the blade thunks in four inches from the mark.][/size]
Psyque:“Okay, that’s enough practice.”
[size=84][He winces, bracing himself as she raises the axe. She has to hit a target about an inch wide with all the force she can muster, with his hands on either side.][/size]
Psyque:“You can do it, Rose. Hit it as hard as you can, I trust you.”
[size=84][Jack/Psyque closes his eyes. So does she.][/size]
[size=84][Rose/Alderian opens hers again by a crack.][/size]
[size=84][SWINGS THE AXE DIRECTLY INTO JACK/PSYQUE’S HEAD…!][/size]
Alderian: “TRUST…? YOU WOULDN’T KNOW TRUST IF IT CAME OUT OF YOUR ASS…!”
[size=84][hacks the corpse into a million bits…][/size]
“Day 6 off therapy, I haff little hope, but ve must continue…”
[size=84][279 EXT. OCEAN / UNDERWATER AND SURFACE… Psyque and the Alderian are swimming in the icy cold water…][/size]
Alderian:“What’s that?”
[size=84][Jack/Psyque sees what she is pointing to, and they make for it together. It is a piece of wooden debris, intricately carved. He pushes her up and she slithers onto it belly down. But when Jack/Psyque tries to get up onto the thing, it tilts and submerges, almost dumping Rose/Alderian off. It is clearly only big enough to support her. He clings to it, close to her, keeping his upper body out of the water as best he can.][/size]
Alderian:“I love you Jack.”
[size=84][He takes her hand.][/size]
Psyque: “No… don’t say your good-byes, Rose. Don’t you give up. Don’t do it.”
Alderian:“I’m so cold.”
Psyque:“You’re going to get out of this… you’re going to go on and you’re going to make babies and watch them grow and you’re going to die an old lady, warm in your bed. Not here. Not this night. Do you understand me?”
Alderian:“I can’t feel my body.”
Psyque:“Rose, listen to me. Listen. Starting that arguement was the best thing that ever happened to me…It brought me to you. And I’m thankful, Rose. I’m thankful… You must do me this honor… promise me you will survive… that you will never give up… no matter what happens… no matter how hopeless… promise me now, and never let go of that promise.”
Alderian:“I promise.”
Psyque:“Now hold my hand… Don’t let go.”
Alderian:“I promise.”
Psyque:“Never let go.”
[size=84][SUDDENLY JACK/PSYQUE HOISTS ROSE/ALDERIAN INTO THE FREEZING WATER AND PULLS HIMSELF UP ONTO THE TABLE !!!][/size]
Psyque:"FUCK YOU PSYCHIATRIST !!! DROWN…! DROWN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE !!!"
[size=75][tape cassette noises… crackle… hiss… the tape stops…][/size]
“Az you zee - ze therapy wuz not vat one kud call a zuccess…”
“So - what did you do, did you cure them eventually…?”
“Ja-ja - I fount a vay…”
“Amazing…! How did you manage it… Please - tell us…”
“I vill be happy to show you Bob…” [Shouts off-mike] “IGOR !!! Brink zem in.”
[size=75][A large heavily-built man in hospital whites rolls two wheelchairs into the studio, in them Psyque and the Alderian loll limply, drool hanging from slack lips, and fresh scars pucker pinkly on stubbled brows…][/size]
“Dr Rasankoff !!! - you, you lobotomized them…?”
“Ja - it vuz ze only vay to shut ze vukkers up.”
[size=75][Fade to - strident classical muzik - Wagner or the like…][/size]
here…?