Read This Post now Poem

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

The wind is blowin
hide your expensive
stuff.Hide that Pit
Bull mom is coming.Her eyes are rolled
back she’s shaking.Tell Dad but you
have not.
The television is
fuzzy that’s the
program.Don’t try
to figure this out
maybe its not meant
to be.A balloon in
In a world of helium sinking down
Don’t be afraid youcan make up
another language
Here use this tissue!!
We all look the
Same on the inside
Bones and flesh.
That play-doh smell
Frozen in thin air
Because I said so.

-Acceptance!!!

2

Most definitely a freshness to it. A freeness to the imagery and a pleasant blending of odd bedfellows. I loved most of it, line by line anyway. It hints to something here and there but lapses occasionally into mediocrity. Since I loved most of it (including one-liners that could appear as one line masterpiece poems all by themselves) I’ll only mention the lines that could be better…

“Don’t try
to figure this out
maybe its not meant
to be.”

(Extreme cliché…both in the language and the thinking. Besides, the whole fun for me the reader AND the character in the poem is in trying to figure all this out, we can’t help it, even though we KNOW it’s futile. You’ve demonstrated that monumentally. You killed the lily by saying it! We don’t need you to tell us it’s futile. That’s redundant. Whether something is meant to be ever is very questionable, and “maybe” has no place in your writing! Your strength comes from your declarative vision. Fuck “maybe.” It belongs in philosophy, not poetry…especially this kind of surreal reportage. Just tell it and spare us the speculation…no room for maybe in this universe you create. Beck doesn’t say maybe. Save you maybes for later. You will need them.)

We all look the
Same on the inside
Bones and flesh.

(I’ve heard this sentiment before and it shouldn’t be coming from you. A person of your perceptive power and freedom of vision will surely note that we look different from the inside, too. Everyone has a slightly different shaped heart, organs, double-helix, etc., and that notion, as opposed to yours above, is what would leave me reeling in the blessed nonsense…which is what I suspect you want. A missed opportunity, I think. What you did instead was give a sort of unity, a sort of hope and uniformity to the world, perhaps in an attempt to report a fatal lack of individuality. This is inconsistent, though. It would be more natural for you {and more surprising} to make individuality so rampant that it hurts. Isn’t that what you go through?)

All in all I agree with Alexis. You have Beck-like talent. Such talent is often accompanied by lack of discipline, which is natural and a necessary evil when it comes to minds like yours. However, try to avoid letting mediocre lines creep in that defuse the pure beauty of the worlds you create. Every line needs to be fresh; any cliché or reference to the disorientation serves as a buoy for the reader. A buoy they do not deserve. Just my opinions. What do I know?

3

oh no I killed the lily!!1
I will continue to post randomness
Randomness2
here’s a quick fix
Stop that man from walking into the restroom
I’ll bet you he’ll communicate with you Quick.
Stop a train on It’s tracks by putting a pebble on
your Washer and Dryer.
Work is 4 hours and 5 minutes around the corner holding
me hostage against a bed of wooden screws.
Be nice every day and eventually some one’s going to be doing
your plumbing…
Hello to Gamer and Alexistentialism.
-Acceptance!!!

4

life is a signature, I like that

you don’t think too much, do you.

5

beats “life is a footnote”

-Imp