Many of you have probably read Camus or Sartre or even Notes from the Underground by Fydor Dostoevsky, and maybe you’ve identified with the text. If you do relate the angst ridden themes and self destructive motifs, just realize this might only be a phase.
I found the above works very influencial in my mid-twenties, especially notes from the underground, so much so, my life formed a pattern around the fiction and ran parallel to the main character’s predicaments and self-destructive plights.
I would drown myself in the booze and the drugs and explore a dark subconcious of my mind, only to wake up with cuts and bruises that orignated from I dont know where. The potential for suicide was present.
This was a rebellion. A revolt. Against what you may ask. Well, everything. Every single thing. I was against the creator of the universe or even the possible absence of a creator. I was against all forms authority. I felt the nausea. I felt the existential crisis tearing apart my soul.
But my point here is to talk about change. I thought rebellion was part of my identity. I couldn’t have been more naive. The things I am gradually learning is that you cant revolt against the system, because you’ll only make it stronger. True rebellion infiltrates the system, works with the system and takes the system down from within. But this process of going with the universe causes much less friction, static, grinding against the soul.
Sure there is a blind optimism that conforms to much society’s standard norms, but it is the path of least resistance.
Once you’re out of the dark phase I mentioned, you can re-create your identity and feel less guilt about the process. You can feel like you belong. No longer a stranger in a stangeland. You are the universe. You are god.
Go with the flow, don’t you know. . .
I would suggest idealism by Bishop Berkley; objective or subjective idealism both have benifits for you to choose from.
idealism is more about ideas having more value than a separate, material world. That doesn’t mean utopia. It means that all you have is your senses and the ideas that stem from those senses. It places an emphasis on thoughts themselves, more than any other tangible object.
if you rebel, as the war rages on around the outer world, so do the contradictions that swirl through your inner world of thought. They are interwined. They are reflections of each other.
I read Satre and rather liked his optimistic outlook on the innate angst and constant re-creation of ourselves. The idea that every day brings new possiblity for change is a very uplifting message. But, to play devils advocate, when you look to your past , this kind of ideologie can bring in waves of regret and a world of What ifs?
The key is to look at the big picture. If you take time to analyze your motives, even if they have a sombre tone, you can see the utility there. Drugs and alchohol are a release from lifes stresses, but one should ask why do i feel the need for release?
Like you said re-bellion is useless if its not supported by at least close to the majority so the best thing to do is try to manipulate the system which is in place, not change it. Regarding suicide, that seems to me like lifes most futile and ignorant form of rebellion, its a rebellion against life itself, but again i say don’t rebell aganst life, manipulate life.
During that period of my life, Sartre would have said I was living in bad faith. At the time I would have rebelled against even that. I would of blamed the environment, my heriditary, and any other number of things. I was a determinist. Now, I believe in free will, but more to the point, responsibility. It allows me to see the big picture, my indentity in full.
