ok,
i need 1 jesus,
a chick,
10 councelors,
10 psycologists,
3 nutritionalists,
and like… a cup of water…
(just kidding)^
Anyways i was just as desturbed-as-hell because i thought that true freinds were non existant and un-natural. Lots of people i know have no freinds and then i had a few in the passed but problems and stress and weakess destroy some relationships.
so then i had this huge chat manifesto but her net connection cut so now i edited it and posted it as a thread!
PLEASE dont say somthing discurageing!!! (eeee!)
here it is:
So anyways, last nigth i hurt myself… each time i get hurt then i remember my mortality and i have to wake up. I was adicted to my freinds and was just getting too much pleasure out of shareing my thoughts and fealings with them…?
I was considering being more secluded and wasting my time on nothing, and doing things alone and talking to people less,
but it hurts even more to even think about that compared to the first option… so its kind of insain, im not sure what to do with myself.
I tried to not talk to my contacts today unless they wanted to talk to me, so i waited for them to start chats with me, and no one did
so then after a while something inside of me wade me contact you anyways despite my strange state.
Its merely desporate lonelyness, isnt it?
and it is sparked my care for others.
Maybe i got to the point of “un-natural”, and “impractical” with my fealings? And now its going to hurt going back to were i was before, just like it hurts to be here and now at this state of concern, and this view about other humans.
Maybe im just confused? Maybe im only hurting myself with fear of others not careing about me, that causes me to not care about myself.
“Measuring” your own value, is perhaps an ilusion and a lie, because each person is unique and in-valuable, but if i feal that about someone else truely, they will not feal that way about themself truely, and in turn, they will not feal that way about anyone else.
Id rather feal nothing at all then feal alone and lost, how can i silance my paradox?
(im gunnu post this at the forum now to)
[her computer dis-connects and i dont get a reply]
hm, looks like technical difficulties?
At any moment i can use my lack of attention as a weapon against my ego.
I am loanly and shy, yet am playing the roll of the nurturing and the careing individual, and giving to others what i myself do not have.
Im just shareing a non-existant dream with them, “un-conditional love” and “true loyal freinds or lovers” do not exist, i can see my contacts each do not have true and loyal companions. It was merely a dream, not a reality.
What are “freinds”? Why do we ever “care”?
Often freindships are mere buissness exchanges, not charity.
We give love because we recieve and need it,
we dont give it for the mere sake of charity and humain hearts do we?
I did, on the net, and in real life a bit, but not much realy.
As i said, i cannot give what i do not have.
The dream must end, i must wake up!
Good bye “loyalty”, good bye “charity”, good bye “un-conditional love”,
you were not meant to be, you have no air to breath, you cannot live!
Loving and valuing human beings that i did not know and that did not love me was a drug, it fealt realy good, but now i doubt it very much…
After the “highs” the “lows” must come, and in theory if you care too much it will destroy you or ware you out, so ill see if my theory is correct.
I think it is… after all, i hurt myself last night,
my heart got screwed up physicaly even…
