I would like to invite anyone to input the critiques that they give themselves.
What of your recent past self have you changed, and are glad you have changed?
What of your present attitudes and habits would you like to change? Or think could change? Or worry will not change?
What might best remain the same? Or remain, like it or not?
Who is first?
In the recent past, I have made a lot of strides in developing patience and understanding of other people and what they might be going through in their lives. I’ve let go of my own negativity for the most part and have worked on not getting angry when debating and losing my temper, though I still tend to be quite blunt about what I’m feeling and I don’t think that’s going to change since it helps me calm myself quicker and ground myself to continue explaining my thought processes, which has been a huge problem in the past for lack of cohesion of thoughts; something I’ve been working on steadily over the past 8 years by taking myself apart and putting myself back together to fix my insecurities and everything else.
I have shifted my perspective to view the world as a series of learning lessons and my mistakes as similar lessons designed to teach me how to succeed. Instead of thinking about things I’m going to say or do, I just let myself act on whim and let the words just come out the way they come out. I allow my subconscious to order and define things and work in the background while leaving my conscious mind free of unnecessary clutter and it’s been working out fine as it sits there in the background and pieces together parts of puzzles that I can then pull the results forth later to come to a better understanding or better completion of a particular problem.
I continue to do mushrooms every so often; though I limit to only a couple times every couple of years; and smoke pot on a consistent basis. About the only thing I would change if I could is my current physical state in life. I’d like to have a girlfriend that would be my wife some day down the road; I want kids and a house of my own. I want a job to be able to support them because there’s no other way to really support them than to play ball with the government, and I would do so even though I’m an anarchist. I’d like to have a car to be able to go places and everything I want all comes back around to the root of all modern evils: money; and the root of most other evils: social class.
It’s been a lot of fun watching myself shoot me in the foot over the years. I could blame other people for the things I’ve went through, but to say I haven’t been somewhat of a slow learner is a bit of an understatement. I really wanted to believe in my fiction books; in this possible reality where people weren’t so easily offended and things actually happened and people actually lived, instead of living a shadow of a life and pretending otherwise once they finally get some small piece of the pie; one small portion of freedom that should have been theirs from the day they were born.
How many men have been cheated of their lives since society has began? I continue to fight for my cause and I think that has somewhat ruined me in the girlfriend department. What I’ve been through and what I fight for in and with my life tends to make me unfit for most casual conversation where people try to joke around and pretend the worlds not as messed up as it actually is. What I want takes a backseat to what I am as it pushes people away that I’d rather be brought closer, all because I loved them enough to set them free instead of keeping them locked within themselves. And they put the blame on me; most of them.
I once saw my heightened morality as shackles I couldn’t be free of. I once cursed it; but if I had truly wanted to give up on it, I’m sure I would have. Over the past so many years, I’ve had to come to a conclusion to remain dead on the inside or to wake up and make something with the life I’d been given. There’s a good amount of reasons why I should be dead right now. I found a common goal and purpose with people have existed throughout the ages and I follow that without regret or remorse, regardless of how it makes people feel.
What I once thought of as shackles actually has set me free and so I won’t change a single bit except to further become myself. It used to hurt a bit when people shied away from me and it kind of hurts a lot to see good people I know and love make mistakes because they can’t recognize their own faults and won’t listen to reason, pushing the problems off onto their children to fix. But, I know who I am and even though I get lonely some times, I know I’ll keep going until I die; whenever that is.
Fun costs too much money I don’t really have and they keep screwing me on ways I’m supposed to get to work on jobs that are supposed to be there, opportunities that are supposed to be a dime a dozen in the land of the free and home of the brave; a place I’ve consistently seen filled with slaves and cowards. And I realize people aren’t supposed to work 40 hour weeks or jobs they hate just to live; we’ve been given specific talents and passions for a reason and most of us wouldn’t mind helping out to get what we want out of a deal. Why should we have ambition beyond what we would have and why should people be pushing each other so hard and so fast that they forget the subtle pace and rhythm of nature?
I guess one of my most recent changes was coming to the conclusion that it was time for our species to grow the fuck up and learn how to overcome negativity and how to fight against it and how to rise above it so we can actually be what we should be, again; not that we would have to give up much to do so, we’d all just have to work a little harder at doing necessary things instead of spending so much time at jobs we hate and idle luxury that really doesn’t do much when most people get ‘bored’, which is usually the cry of someone who is afraid of their own mind and lacking imagination because of it.
I’m a rather simple man for how complex I am and I like finally understanding that. It’s been a Hell of a struggle. I had my head cracked open when I was two; I deal with sexual abuse trauma and PTSD from watching the physical abuse between my mom and step-dad, along with the emotional abuse of my step-dad; stress and anxiety; insecurities extending every which way from bullies at school to my step-dad, to some of my teachers; each one seemingly trying to knock me down. There would be the counter-side of it where people would give me praise for unique talents and ‘potential’, but I grew up being made to believe I was a piece of a shit by everyone around me and I lack a personal relationship with my mother right now because of it all; because we can never seem to find a way of talking beyond that divide that’s now between us. Not that I hate my step-dad, he gave me a love for philosophy and a healthy paranoia for other people. He made me strong in his way as my mom made me strong in her way.
I like who I’ve become because it’s better than who I’ve been and I don’t spend as much time trapped in thinking as I used to and I can make my words and thoughts and actions all align and be in synch as they should be and react by instinct instead of over-thinking things. Of course, I still over-think, but it’s all been pushed back to the subconscious part of my brain to be called forth when I need it. It’s fairly convenient, though every so often, I’ll feel these little ‘shifts’ in my brain that I know don’t really mean anything and aren’t anything. They’re just uncomfortable. I’ve noticed that they’re being felt by quite a few other empathic people, too.
What I like the most is how much I’m able to just step outside of my comfort zone to just go with the flow even if I wind up sucking at what I try to do. I’m not afraid to learn or make mistakes on my road to success, but I am kind of a bit butthurt at everything and everyone that kept me down in the road to doing so, just because I was different. And so I find myself going in circles with my thoughts and not caring one bit. All of humanity goes in cycles of action and emotion and though they try to avoid it, they really can’t; because reality is so much more than what people see and experience with their physical perceptions on a daily basis.
I’m going to keep working on things as they pop up and being go-with-the-flow because it’s a lot more comforting than trying to have control of anything more than myself in the world, though I will try to add my influence to it; though I find I don’t have to try hard for that.
Thank you for making a thread like this. First one I’ve ever seen. I love it when people surprise me in a good way.
i would like to change everything about myself, simply everything. the bubble has burst. i don’t
really think i can change. I am preposterous, and i know it. now, for the first time in my life, realized that i cannot sustain my self in it’s present form. Like for today, for instance. the grey area of compensation/decompensation regarding the self as concept and image,has become less of a useful tool,in terms of accommodating acceptance.
The irony is, that i have tried to spiritually reach toward this, all my life. I have examined my life, and sought a limitless attempt to tame the irrational, and replace the image of my fears, which is myself, with something else. In that sense, i have disappeared, apart from the rote behavior, which was making me crazy.
And yet i have come to realize only too well, the need to modify, accept, via bio feedback that missing link, which is tantamount to the birth of consciousness . This birth tested in the origin, in the jungle which consists of signs and symbols of a very violent past, is the one we are all afraid to test,to live through. No one else can do it for another person.
It seems as though, the jungle is resurfacing, as the original dissonances, have morphed into jagged contours, and it may be a matter of time until the pictures they present turn into cruel portraits of visual distortion.
To bear the difficult signs, of change, and not be halved,as did Solomon so wisely avoided between two, and be able to come up with a third, from scratch, even through it was a half to begin with, is the struggle, of which greater minds have thought near impossible
Is the test worth the struggle to reaffirm the basis of that initial jump? Or is it a necessary stage of reattachment. At inception, the answer is obviously the latter. The former has reference to responsibility owed to others
The solution is fairly simple : become an alluding metaphor unto myself, of a satire in progress, one can just as well be you. I have to pull it off, and today, i will not drink, or use,for you know who you are.
I’m having trouble keeping up. I was actually going to make a small post only. I’m glad it had such a powerful response.
In short for myself I would say there are 2 key things I need to work on.
One is to better develop the personality profile they call “Gold” in True Colors. I am a disorganized muse. I love to do projects and toil with things. I don’t like to work at keeping organized. I don’t like to face hard reality, I prefer to dabble in theory, and I avoid confronting many things that desperately need attention.
The other is my lost sense of compassion. I fear that through life’s abuses common to anyone, I’ve developed that spiteful vicious side that we grow to protect ourselves. I am willing to admit that it was created out of a need for protection, not created because I actually want to behave so bitterly toward a lot of things. I am afraid that “just let it go and be nice” would be asking me to remove my sense of self-preservation. It would not be so easy.