Context: I’ll only speak from the perspective of American culture because I am in the U.S. In addition, my observations about people and their motivations are moreso what is happening on a subconscious level or a lack of full self-awareness. I say this disclaimer because most people will think that I mean that these are the very conscious thoughts people are having while they are performing an action. Lastly, I’ll post the definition of shame that came up first in the search engine: “Shame” refers to a painful emotion about oneself, often linked to perceived failure to meet standards, and can relate to addiction or trauma.
It seems most everyone has a fixation on shame. Shaming others and avoiding being shamed. Some people disguise their desire to punish someone with shame with words like “accountability” or “wanting justice”. Feeling powerful is a need I’d argue as someone who has ptsd. Some people supplement this need by putting others down. So, even when someone has done something completely horrible, we get a testosterone high by jumping on the bandwagon of shaming them. If someone has wronged you/took away your feelings of power, it is normal to want them to feel awful about who they are. However, with this as the core of the motivation, it is disingenuous to disguise motivations for shame in socially acceptable terms such as wanting someone to take “accountability.”
Hearing expressions of accountability/expressions of shame can be important in convincing the victim that their hurt is being taken seriously. In relationships, it may be important to say “sorry” or help the hurt one understand that you feel ashamed in order to achieve this end. In the hurt person’s mind, they may think that the best way for you to be spurred into changing your behavior is to feel shame, as is a common assumption in American culture. Love language being seeing your feelings of shame. And for some, shame is the only time they make moves indeed. In cases of a grave injustice, the perpetrator being punished by shame can be important for the victim’s own healing based on their perspective on the meaning of shame. But in terms of learning how to be better, shame is useless to the direct practice of a new skill.
When we are learning skills not related to relationships, such as learning to play an instrument, we get better through repetition and being conscious of correcting mistakes. Feedback or guidance from an outside party (such as an instructor or a loved one) can be beneficial in obtaining that skill. In sum, when learning a new skill, it is important to be aware of your errors in order to correct them. Another important factor is your motivations overriding your feelings of discomfort in the practice. But shame is far from being the only source of motivation.
Sure, a lot of people actually learn to be better when someone shames them. Damaging anything gives it/them an opportunity to be welded into something else. In some cultures, it’s even common to shame their children so that they can be better students. But - 1) psychology studies (also just my observation officially supported from schooling reiterating the same) show that shame in the majority of cases is counterproductive to achievement. 2) Children are like clay and can be sculpted. But is clay cured by shame really the best way? Children who learn that their self worth is tied to achievement have been traumatized into success. I don’t quite mean the word “trauma” in the emotional sense of the word, but moreso in a technical way where your brain alters (in a big or small way) in order to connect with faster routes to your goals. So, an object with great acuity has been made from the clay, but at the cost of the person’s livelihood. I don’t know how aware others are of this - I have noticed that if your mind identifies a cognitive need, it will start finding new perspectives to facilitate you reaching that need. This can happen by being locked in a challenging environment you can’t escape (or have convinced yourself you can’t escape), or if you severely desire something, such as validation from others as a necessity to your self-worth. I’m sure that if many psychoanalyzed their motivations, they’ll find the roots to some of their successes in their feelings of self-worth. For example, I love working out and find great joy in it, but I’d be lying if I claimed that body image issues starting from childhood were not the original impetus for staying on the road to reach this point. So, this whole paragraph is to say that motivation derived from avoiding the feelings of shame can be a strong force, but being motivated by fear is detrimental to your livelihood. And livelihood is everything if you are to have a life.
About avoiding shame - Because the American culture is deep fried in shame, we are making weaker people. We see and hear shame everywhere. In our daily lives and everywhere it can be on the internet. Those that have been damaged by shame get further damaged by this shaming culture. People who desire to change certain characteristics about themselves are less likely to acknowledge they have those characteristics because they don’t want to invite in the waterfall of shame into their identity that is everywhere, especially if shame is what caused the damage they wish to fix. You may have even participated in a collective shaming if culture has taught you that every single flaw needs to be met with a boatload of shame. People who viciously shame others have more than likely learned from their upbringing that you being less than perfect is unacceptable just like they’ve been taught to believe it’s completely unacceptable in themselves. That’s unrealistic and setting yourself up for sickness. So I think it is true that how you treat others is reflective of how you feel about and treat yourself. Don’t work on your thoughts about shame to treat others better, but to feel better inside yourself.
Takeaway - Think critically about your need to shame others. Think before you decide to post shame on the internet. You may want to hurt a specific person in that moment, but anyone can read your words and be further damaged by the shame you’re inflicting for flawed characteristics. Characteristics that may have been brought on by coping with the damage of shame from their upbringing. In our relationships, you may be able to squeeze the actions you desire out of someone with shame, but you are asking them to consume something poisonous to achieve certain behaviors. If someone has wronged you and they are the villain of your story, that’s for you. But they do not need, nor is it helpful for improvement, to integrate these flaws as a weight in their identity in their own story apart from you. Believe me, I wish some monsters I’ve encountered would burn in the hell of shame, but I also know that them feeling that way is useless to them learning to be better if ever they choose to go that way in their own life path.
I wish that the aim in most relationships was to help one another develop the skill of being good at the relationship. When pointing out flawed behavior, practice putting aside your desire to shame and shifting the motivation to helping the other develop a skill. Help you and your partner (in terms of romantic relationships) understand this planned focus when having discussions. Take care of one another’s vulnerability and allow each other to open up and disclose every feeling of insecurity no matter how immature it is in the eyes of society (e.g. “This is making me feel like you think I’m a bad person”, “You being upset makes me feel like you’re inching towards leaving me”, “I’m feeling jealous about you mentioning a male”). And don’t take them saying their emotions as them telling you you’ve done something wrong. If you stab someone while they’re opening up in that way, you’ve done great damage to that relationship. The latter is them being defensive instead of honesty in the feelings that are bubbling up. If you notice your partner getting defensive, pause and say “let’s pause and talk about the feelings that are coming up right now”, and you give them reassurances and clarity in your motivations. We’ve all grown up in a society that makes shame central, so be patient with one another unlearning reacting in unsavory ways to perceived shame. Throw out the rules for what needs to be shamed that society has drilled into you and help one another master these skills that help relationships grow stronger. Be better. - This is the relationship I want to end up in and I’m sure a lot of you will want the same too.