Short Poem

Longing for the days when birds still flew
right side up,
and tree roots were underground,
and the sky was above
and the ground was below,
I look down at my head
and up at my feet.
How long have things been this way?
Hasn’t anyone else noticed?
Seems to me it started -
let’s see…
yes, I think,
(as I think about it),
that it started just about
the time
that
you
left.

.

An interesting one.

Great poem - any reason you didn’t splice the lines to create a more flowing diminishment…?

?

Very nice, rainey!

I think he got it right, shape-wise, Tab. If he’d started the diminishment from the outset, we’d have been following it all the way down, but in its actual form, we feel the effect more strongly at the end, where it’s desired.

Thanks CS, thanks Bess, thanks Tab.

Tab - I’m not big on geometrical shapes in poetry. Could be kind of gimmicky, you know? I’m always imagining the poem being read aloud where you’ve got only the words to convey your point. Having said that, there’s still a shape of some description to the poem I suppose. So maybe it’s just a question of degree. One just needs to be careful not to make the shape the main thing.

Just my thoughts on the matter of geometry and poetry.

Well slap me on the ass and call me over-visual. :wink:

Still a good poem though. =D>

Think I’ll just call you over-visual…

And thanks. :smiley:

I really liked this poem - in its original shape.

p.s.

I’m all for concrete poetry, so long as it doesn’t diminish the strength of the words, or the effect. In this case, the original line spacing seems to work excellently. I did, however, have a qualm with the spacing of one of Rainey’s lines in the poem about Mike, but I don’t want to be too picky. (The one where you dropped the line; it’s arguable, but I’ll trust in your decision). :]

I love this Rainey! Nice job.

This poem sums up how I feel about the process of getting older–losing innocence, freedom, kindness. It seems that we are always trying to get back those feelings from childhood when sensations and memories were pure-- not tied to responsibility, fear, loss,etc. The world seems more and more backwards and skewed to me the longer I’m here.

Also relates to break-ups-- the process of relearning how to be a complete 1 as opposed to the comfortable and familiar split self.

Thanks butterfly. I’m glad you liked it.