Smetimes I Remember...

I so love being in the sandbox - a place enclosed while at the same time being able to step out of any time I choose to. Ah, and sand, how magical it can be - the alchemical marriage of lightning to sand beginning with such a kiss as creates such exquisite little entities of light.

I remember being almost painfully shy when I was in high school. It was difficult to talk to boys unless they were boys in whom I had no interest at all and even to most of them I shrunk away into the wall and at the orphanage where i grew up, it was Never The Twain Shall Meet - it seemed as though the boys’ dormitories were almost a galaxy away from the girls’.

There was one boy, well, not so much a boy. He was a senior and I was a junior in high school. I so worshipped him from afar. I thought that he was the cutest, the most cute. Just something about him affected me in a way that the others didn’t. I suppose it just came down to beauty being in the eyes of the beholder. But i can’t recall being so moved by a face as much as I was his face. I often wondered if he knew who i was, who it was who did what they did, what I did. It’s possible that he did but never let on - because he was also one of the nicest. I would like to believe that he didn’t know but at the same time would also have liked to believe that he did - which would have also re-enforced my thinking of his nobility, understanding and niceness.

This high school was a catholic one and during our lunchtime, those who wanted to say the rosary would gather into the hallway, kneel and say it. He always did and so did I. But my reason for being there was two-fold. Yes, I wanted to say the rosary even though at times it seemed to be so boring in its repetition but I had a much more profound and enriching reason to be there ~~ before I would kneel down to pray, there were days when I would so casually walk into the cloak room and leave little folded notes for him in the pocket of his jacket. I knew that jacket well. I would almost caress it before I walked away. Forget almost - I did at times caress it. My, what a silly thing I was back then. My words would tell him how cute and nice I thought he was and I would share other things with him, without giving myself away. I so loved these semi-precious moments with him and often wondered what he thought and how they made him feel. I would compose the notes the evening before while i was supposed to be doing homework ~~ which I did as i was such a great student, except when it came to math. I was almost brain dead insofar as math was concerned.

I’m thinking that perhaps he did enjoy receiving these notes, that perhaps they fulfilled some kind of desire or need within him. He never put himself in a position close to the cloak room where he might see what was going on and he never hung in there during the rosary. Perhaps he just felt that he was giving some silly girl a break. Oh, I so thank you for that.

Anyway, I did know that he had a girlfriend and that he was very faithful to her. Another junior girl who I talked to told me so. I did reveal to her in passing that I thought he was nice ~~ I suppose that was my way of playing a bit with fire ~~but that’s as far as it went. I certainly never told her about the notes. The only other time I saw him would be in study. I always made it a point to sit somewhere behind him, either to his right or to his left but not too close. This way I could observe him and worship him from afar. I also made sure that he never saw me watching him when I did. Oh, how rude would that be, right? Lol

I did know that he had a girlfriend and that he was very faithful to her. Another junior girl who I talked to told me so. I did reveal to her in passing that I thought he was nice ~~ I suppose that was my way of playing a bit with fire ~~but that’s as far as it went. I certainly never told her about the notes. The only other time I saw him would be in study. I always made it a point to sit somewhere behind him, either to his right or to his left but not too close. This way I could observe him and worship him from afar. I also made sure that he never saw me watching him when I did. Oh, how rude would that be, right? Lol

I missed him when I returned to school in September. The cloakroom seemed so bare and lonely without him and his jacket being there. And just for the record, I never did that again with another guy. He so ruined me for any other.

To Whomever - your turn. :laughing:

Okay, so this is going nowhere but I won’t take it personally. There are times, going in, when I realize that the fish just may not bite. That is part of the adventure - not knowing. I will be the first to admit that it might appear to some to be a bit self-centered and self-indulgent but what the heck. I just wanted to share something simple. :mrgreen:

Anyway, yesterday evening as i was taking a walk in the park, I remembered putting this in:

I was almost brain dead insofar as math was concerned.

That is not entirely true. I can add, subtract, multiply and divide. :banana-dance: :laughing: I’m also pretty good at word problems depending on… :evilfun: I just deleted what I had put before this sentence. It’s always a good thing to express ourselves more positively. Perhaps growing up I didn’t have such a strong basis, structure, to understand algebra and geometry. Of course, I also realize that one part of my brain has been more touched by grace than another.

So, it occurred to me as I was walking that I didn’t want to regard myself as “almost brain dead” being that I am not. I may not have the mental advantage that others have insofar as math goes, but I refuse to allow all of those ANTs to gather within and work their dark magic on my brain. UGH!!!

Rendez-vous sur les planches

Your OP was quite endearing, actually. But when I thought to contribute, everything I could think of wound up being a;
want to know.”

But then I remembered a very brief moment:

What couldn’t be a more perfectly sculpted figure, bright eyes, and beautiful face strolled by. Leaning against the post and just slightly tipping my teak pipe from my lips, “You remind me of that luxury sports car that I could never afford.” Known to be a hard programmed lesbian, she merely glanced very briefly at me as she passed. Then after about ten feet, she stopped as she bent over slightly with a chuckle. Turning back toward me with a smile from ear to ear and slightly out of control giggle, “Thank you”. Glancing back with no more than a smile and a wink, I went back to enjoying the pleasantness of the day and thought again about how sad it is that they have been given so very few good choices.

What happened?!! What was I thinking?!!
The mind looks back and wonders what could’ve or should’ve been done, trying to isolate the origin of the mistake, how the wrong choice was made, a choice that lead you to where you are now, that has led you to what you are now. Perhaps it can see clearly now that what it perceived as happening at the time was not really what was happening. Some things were missed. Some things were forgotten. Some things were unknown.
Could it have been otherwise? Given all the elements that came into play at that crystallizing moment, could a person have made a different choice? You observe someone, perhaps your own children, and note to yourself, “I’ve been through this before.” Do you reach out your hand and guide them, or do you pull your hand back and let them learn for themselves? Do you push them? Do you step in and become an influencing part of the decision moment? And why would you want to do that? To spare them mistakes? To push them into them?
Where will life bring them, what opportunities and challenges will they face, what choices will they have to make? What will they become?

James S Saint

But I do/did want to know. And I’m glad that you liked it.

Words Can BE the most powerful thing in the universe if used in the right way…almost like pure magic. You managed to break down her defenses. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought of you now and then. I’m not saying that she does - only that I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. That was actually quite moving to me, Jimmy. You gave her a choice - to see herself as you saw her - and she took it. That was a gift.

As if on cue i resonate a similar moment, when someone very close responded, to listening to jdlaing (constant craving) and catholic school is gender specific, but she is a professional and she even now forgives the emphasis shifting  away from relationships to vocational preoccupation.

Have you ever sat back and quietly watched how often people give, quite honestly expecting nothing in return?
I think they have a currently forbidden name for that. :wink:

In today’s world no good deed is to go unpunished, but its hard to tax those little things of such high value.

Yes, I have - here and there. I am an observer of people though they wouldn’t know it.
Sometimes it is a simple little thing someone does but i find it to be moving, sometimes more so because the person doing the act seems to be quite unaware of what they did. It comes natural to them. Maybe that’s pure altruism.

I’ve also found the former to be true. :mrgreen: As for the latter, simple gratitude is hardly taxing at all.


Pandora, what you wrote below kind of speaks to what I wrote about “being able to step out of any time I choose to”.
At some point, all we can do is to just step put of it.

I do this at times. I like to try to observe and analyze things, where I went wrong, what could I have done differently, sometimes, but it really does no good, does it? All it eventually does is lead to rationalizations and sometimes justifications - both of which I hate. I’ve sometimes seen Yoda, my cat, chase his own tail. Poor thing. That’s what it’s like - rationalizing and justifying. :laughing:

In the end, the only thing which we can do is to accept what is. We can also remember to look before we leap in the future. :laughing: We can also remember, this I have learned the hard way, that what I intend[ed], what I felt I had the capacity to do, what for me at the time felt would be so easy, might have really not been looking at the entire picture. It might have in essence, been unconsciously lying to myself. We save ourselves a lot of grief the more we see and the more we honestly look at what we are saying. In other words, do I really believe this, can I really do this? Will this be such an easy thing - especially when we know ourselves to some degree, when we know our life’s patterns, even though we’ve been giving them up - re-learning new patterns. But Rome really wasn’t built in a day and neither are we re-built in a day. lol

And some things were deliberately not looked at perhaps. Ah, sometimes the things we do. But you know, sometimes it’s a good thing that these things happen, especially when we can honestly say that we wouldn’t have changed it. Even if we had to do the same thing over the same way, we would, in order to have had the experience. But if we knew then what we know now, sure, things would have been done differently. It’s all about knowledge. So why beat ourselves up and have regrets when on some level, we know we couldn’t have - perhaps- done things differently because we were not then who we are now. And that is the thing we have to remember - the next time around - whatever it is.

Guiding someone along is a great thing, especially if they’re headed for an abyss. And as far as children go, we have to guide them, don’t you think? That’s not the same as living their life for them. Some of that also depends on their age. But you can’t just throw them to the wolves because they are old enough to go to the wolves. lol. Guidance and wisdom have to play some role - it doesn’t matter if the child is a child or an adult who has a child.
There is a fine balance between guiding and allowing a child to learn for themself. At some point, autonomy does have to step in for them, they have to be allowed to make their mistakes but I find no problem with pointing out some of the pitfalls before they make it. That they will learn from - hopefully.

This is sometimes the difficult part of being a parent - letting go. Some parents completely let go of their children and they turn out alright - some children do not. But hopefully at some point, someone comes along and does the job that was meant for the parent[s] to do. Gees, I’m getting depressing here.

Broken Heart
Seeing her so instantly reach through the cage, desperately grasping at the latch made it even more difficult. She knew that her cage was intentional and so very terrifying. Feeling no more hope in releasing the latch, she look at me with the most pleading eyes, begging from her very soul for me to save her from what she was certain to be her inevitable doom. I was right there, only a few feet away.

Did I calculate right? Was she really in more peril than my little mind estimated? Were the probabilities at odds with reality? Were her fears and instincts more on target than my own? And more importantly, should I have saved her from such self-imposed terror regardless of the reality? Was I wrong in not empathizing more and letting my calculations step down? At this point, I suspect so, but will never really know.

One more thing to add to my list of never ending shame of so very many things that I can never forget and could have done, should have done, but didn’t learn of in time. How many have suffered by my own slowness and foolishness in their time of need. Payment cannot be made. And my heart cannot be unbroken.

Awwww? Nice post, Arc :cry:

At first glance, this reminded me of a trip someone might make to a pet store, get the attention of an animal one might want to take home but realizes one can’t. Best not to look that poor poor animal in the eyes to give it hope - best not to even go into the pet store - yet how not to, such an attraction to go in and see all of those little guys and girls.

But - what is your story about, Jimmy?

Thank you, Chakra - the first post?

i know what this is about. A human animal who devolved into like an Island of Dr. Moreau state. Terrified as in the beginning, and if not terrified of sliding back there. There is  no there there, and this is where the whole thing started to allay the terror. But now, once again, sisyphus

You have to love anew, to live again and earn your stripes, the depth to be sealed, yet, 7 seals will not offer relief.

it doesn’t, have to be this way because it’s always happening, always and always, the fear is never there, until you are. There.