So Lonely

Social Forums Non-Philosophical Chat
1

Hi All,

It’s been some time since I’ve visited these boards. I write now because I can’t sleep and have no other means of expressing myself knowing that another will be there to acknowedge it- atleast not at 5:30am. I suppose the reality is that I am up alone and cannot bear it any longer, so I am here.

I can’t sleep because on June 12th, my girlfriend passed away. She was in a car accident 2 weeks earlier and passed away after a surgery to correct bleeding in her head. I spoke to her in the morning before the surgery on the telephone, told her I loved her, and goodbye. I never thought that would be that last time I would get hear her voice.

Katie was perfect. She would have been 21 on July 10th. She was one semester away from graduating college, owned her own day care business, owned her own home- all before she was even 21. She was phenomenal. More remarkable than her accomplishments was her capacity to love and her unmatched genuiness. She would take the children she watched to Disneyland with her own money, buy them gifts, and care for them often better than their own parents.

She was in Aspen for a month right before her accident and found me the the most touching gifts and wrote the most heartfelt, hilarious, and loving cards. But she passed before she could give them to me herself. Her family gave them to me and thanked me for loving her so much. Her parents said that all she did was talk about me, about how much she loved me. Her father thanked me for me making her so happy the months before she died- he was happy she got to know what it felt like to be truly in love. I couldn’t say anything. I just cried.

I now keep all her gifts on my bed. I hold the pajamas she kept at my house as I sleep, wishing more than anything that she was here to fill them again. I will never love someone or be loved by someone as deeply or truly as I did with Katie. I want to strangle the universe for taking her.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t care to work, I don’t care to have a conversation, I don’t care to do anything. Life has been become meaningless. I just drive past her house, go to the park and sit on the swing that she sat on, and jog. But now, even those acts are beginning to lose their therapeutic natures. Before they made me feel close to her, now nothing I do seems to do so. I feel so far from her, so agonizingly far away from her that it frightens me.

I wish more than anything that she is okay. I hope she is happy somewhere, and that someday I will get tell her how much I love her again. I hope to see her, and tell how much I missed her- how my heart died the day she did, but wouldn’t stop beating.

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:cry:

That’s so sad…

We’re here for you if you want to keep talking…

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…

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I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I too, lost friends and the like in high school and beyond.
The truth is time does heal all wounds.
No matter what your heart might say, life
is worth living. She is gone, but you are still alive
and that is worth something. I don’t know you, but
because you are alive, you have value. You might think
no one in the universe can feel what I feel, but that is not
true. Parents lose their children every single day
and yet they go on. How can a parent go on after losing a
child? Because you recognize the truth, that live does go on
and is worth living. That is not to negate the fact that
every single breath you will take for days, weeks, months and
maybe even years will hurt from the loss.

But now is the time to take your philosophy and use it.
Life is transitory. Each of us exist for only a short time.
But like some precious jewel that is rare, life has value
because it is rare. The past is gone and so doesn’t exist,
the future is to come and so doesn’t exist, you only
have the present. Live life to the fullest because it is rare.
You only have one present and then its gone.

Understand change happens. Death is just another
means of change. The real value of the universe is
its change.

Peace be with you.

Kropotkin

5

“She is gone”
This all depends on what your view of “gone” is.
What if – many years from now – you were also “gone”, and you saw her. How “gone” would she be then?

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As mentioned… time heals. Keeping yourself occupied with something - be it alcohol, writing, acting, travelling (I personally recommend this one above all else… go somewhere new and somewhere uncomfortable) is key. Even better if you can do these things with a good friend, but not absolutely necessary.

When something similar happened to me, I took comfort in the fact that most seconds of the day, something somewhere is dying an unjust death. I didn’t feel so victimised when I thought about that. A sort of comfort in numbers and comfort knowing I/she wasn’t being singled out somehow.

At least for her, the concerns of living that you and I have to put up with are a thing of the past. It truly is a peaceful rest, after all.

7

Love.

A

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I’m so sorry! :cry:

The fact that she was just about to start out in her life (well, the adult portion) and died so young makes me incredibly sad.

We’re here to listen if you need to talk. :frowning:

Again, I’m so sorry.

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The way you put it makes it really very sad. That shows how much you love her.

I do not have any suggestions, but will listen to you if you have to say something.

Please take care.

10

i’ve got no advice, but i feel your sadness. i don’t know what to say but that we all are here to listen, learn, and help in any way we can. i pray that God will help you through this rough time and help you find peace in what happened.

11

You are not alone.
I grieve with you…

-Thirst

12

I’m not too in the mood to write, I apologize. I just want to thank everyone for their posts and pms. Part of me wants to write and tell everything about her, to describe in detail how wonderful she is. I just cannot bring myself to do it for some reason, I don’t know why. Someday I will.

Thanks again.

13

Me too. We are with you - if that helps at all. To love your girlfriend that way is a gift and you had it. Some will never even experience that depth of love in their lives and you did.

Hang in, Matthew.

My daughter turned 21 the same week… I don’t know you, but I can feel your pain. Keep writing about her, hon.

14

You are brave to have written this much, and I’m glad that you shared this with us. Feel free to write as much or as little more about this as you find useful. If it makes you happier to write about and remember her then I’m sure there’s a willing audience here who’d read every word.

Take care of yourself.

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ditto to all of the above. Grief when shared heals and strengthens the soul. Holding it in causes your soul to wither and fail. She would want you to heal, my friend, we are here to listen.

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Hello F(r)iends,

Beware of self-destructive methods that dull the pain…
I would wager they are as addictive as any drug…

-ThirstTheAddict

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Those acts were very human, but not therapeutic. Memories begin to fade for a reason. Do not let the sense of increasing distance frighten you, rather let it allow you to hope, hope for wholeness once more. Part of you died with her and that wound is sealing over. You won’t believe me just yet - but that’s a good thing Matthew.

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They easily could be one and the same.

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Again everyone, thank you for your words.

Tabula wrote, “Those acts were very human, but not therapeutic. Memories begin to fade for a reason. Do not let the sense of increasing distance frighten you, rather let it allow you to hope, hope for wholeness once more. Part of you died with her and that wound is sealing over. You won’t believe me just yet - but that’s a good thing Matthew.”

I don’t want the wound seal over Tab. It is the only thing that makes her feel real. I do not want to lose it. I often wish I could go back to at least the first few days after she passed, when my heart ached, physically ached. I never quite grasped the accuracy of the word “heartache” until then. As miserable as it was, at least it felt real.

Now, I feel stale. In limbo. Life is prison-like.

I had always thought life was beautiful, but I did not know it until I met her. If we weren’t together, we were on the phone. It was a regular occurence to be on the phone with her over ten hours a day. I still cannot fathom how, even though I lived it. We simply never tired of each other. It felt impossible to separate. To say good bye was inconceivable. We would talk into the morning until one would fall asleep. If I happened to fall asleep first, I would wake in a panic because I couldn’t remember telling her that I loved her before going to bed.

I remember one day, I realized that the hand I held my phone with was terribly sore. The side of my face where I held the phone throbbed. That same day, she joked that she was getting carpal tunnel from holding her phone while talking to me so much. She said, “Stop being so charming and funny all the time so she could have an excuse to hang up!” I told her not to worry, that I should soon die of brain cancer holding this cell phone to my head every second of the day.

I miss talking to her so much.

Katie loved yogurt covered blueberries. While she was in Aspen, she remarked that she was running out over the phone. I joked that she better save me a few- a handful to be precise. One of the gifts that she had yet to give me was a plastic baggie with yogurt blueberries inside. On the baggie she wrote, “Here is a perfect handful, just for you. I love you! P.S. You’re the best!”

She was thougtful and caring beyond description. I fail to even scratch the surface.

The excitement of waking up to experience a day with her is now gone. Only to be replaced by the doldrums of realizing I have to live without her.

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Should the situation be reversed Matt, would you wish the fate you seem to have accepted upon her…?