I have a problem. And was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?
I used to be extremely afraid of talking to anyone. It did not matter who, I was just afraid. I did not have the social skills necessary to function outside of my home. And then forced myself to socialize with other people. And now I can get by when I have to. But one problem remains. I can’t talk to the opposite females. Especialy when there is that chance that we could start dating. I have tryed forcing my self to talk to a woman but I always make a jackass of my self. Bieng afraid has made my entire life completely miserable. I don’t know what to do. I have considered everything short of suicide. Knowing that is an option I never want to consider. Does anyone have any ideas. I really need some help for this. Thank you for any ideas.
Attention! Attention to everyone out here!! The most significant post ever!!!
You should go see a proper phychologist. No big deal mate, we are all afraid of women, just to different degrees, for different reasons.
Next time when you’re with a girl, try to let her do the talking, you just give dolce et leggiero replies. Over time, you’ll do some talking, by then, you’ll be fine. This is just an advise from a non-professional, you know.
I’m not afraid of death, if you have a similar spirate, then try not to be so afraid of the weaker sex.
How old are you?
I used to have the same problem and now I actualy find myself very confident. Firstly, age is definitly an issue; so I would like to know how old you are. Secondly, there are certain truths you must come to understand. For one, most women/girls are very insecure themselves (most people actualy) and if you realize this and learn to spot it in others you’ll grow a much bigger sense of self-confidence. I would really recommend to start closely observing people.
Heres the catch though, I bet I know your problem. Your too into yourself arn’t you–your attention and focus is on you, is it not? Maybe head down, little if any eye contact, thoughts about how your precieved, sound, or anything of this nature. Thoughts streaming on some flaw or insecurity within yourself, correct? This is what you need to overcome. You need to truly lose yourself in the moment, thats the only way to freedom. Perhaps you could pick up a book by Krishnamurti which you may find very insightful as I did. The awnser, I think, is to free yourself from yourself; its not a 1…2…3. thing, it takes time, maturity, and some good postive expriences.
When you take your focus out of yourself and begin living in the world, you’ll become free to interact with it–I haven’t found anything more wonderful then that.
Oh and… taking a shot here… some good advice someone once gave me: Don’t look in the mirror! (don’t know whether that pertains or not… but youth tends to be very self-conscious whether they are handsom/beautiful or not, so stop looking.
You’ll probably overcome your shyness of girls when you exprience how wonderful it feels to hold one close to you. But really… the awnser is that you need to lose your wretched “self”–Best of luck… and don’t worry one day in the future, may not be close, then again may be closer then you think, this hell your in now will be over and you’ll feel a liberation like you’ve never felt before. Just… and I know this is hard, have some patience.
First off, maybe if you could change your avatar to a less demonic character–lol, just kidding----just change it to a more charming picture.
Talking a lot about it helps, like what you are doing right now. I know, it sounds easier than actually doing it, but I think the other posters are giving you sound advice.
Next, I hope you have a good personal hygiene because I personally like clean people, and I know some girls/women do. If they don’t care, then I would definitely wonder. So, if you are tying to feel more self-confident, start with tying to smell like you just stepped out of the shower. Then, get a good haircut----a lot of times, a good haircut is all it takes. Then, be more self-conscious about the way you act around people, like don’t talk too loud, drop those annoying hand gestures, don’t smile too much.
Most important of all—don’t commit suicide. Girls/women don’t like to date dead guys.
Sounds crazy? Not really.
The only think I would add to what’s already been said… Don’t worry to much about what other people think of you or hurting another person’s feelings. I’m not saying offend people, just be yourself say what it is you want to say and that’s it. No more no less. Always be honest to yourself and respect your worth and everything will work its self out in time as it always does.
Here is some more practical advice, and a way in which you can maintain your insecurity with women while “seeming†confident. First, I will go over the Success-process. Then I will provide a mock conversation that I did just for this thread. Then, some advice on practice.
The Success-Process:
The Success-Process hinges on a three-second window that will decide the way in which you approach a woman, or if you approach her at all. There is a high probability that when you see a woman you go into thought. And although this moment of thought is significant, it can be your downfall. If you see a woman, take three-seconds at most to decide whether or not you are going to approach her. Any period of time longer will undermine the efficiency of your approach. If you do take longer than three-seconds abandon all efforts to speak to that woman.
The initial approach: If you succeed in approaching the woman within three-seconds, your approach will appear 63% (there is a 60% ± fault in this estimate) more confident than if you did not decide within that three-second window. Women like confidence and this gives you an advantage. While approaching: it is important to think of a lead-on comment or statement that will start the conversation, “Want to keep me some company?†(Although cocky, it appears as if you are more important than she is at the moment, but slowly diverting the attention away from yourself onto her during the conversation is key to a successful play). If she replies with a, “noâ€, simply retort with, “I’ll keep you some company then.†(Smile while saying it, smiling diffuses potentially embarrassing situations).
Smiling and eye contact: While smiling is beneficial, it can also make you look like a dumbfounded little boy who is going to waste her time. Only smile when you make eye-contact. And smile in short, occasional, intervals. Eye contact is one of those key things that women indulge in en masse. It shows that you have the confidence to lock onto her stare (a sign of challenge in the subconscious, be willing to step up to the challenge) and shows signs of interest. The eyes are the windows to the soul, right? This idea is important to hold because if you keep eye contact with a woman, she will feel as though you are actually interested in her, and not just her nipples poking out of her thin and suggestive shirt.
What to say: You ever notice that people tend to say that women like to laugh? That is B-S that will get you nowhere. People like to laugh, but they like to laugh in good measure. If you joke around the entire time and pull out corny wise-crack after corny wise-crack, then she’ll just tell all of her friends behind your back that you’re an utter idiot and then they’ll tell their friends et cetera. It is odd that I haven’t given you an example of what to say yet. There are no good examples that can be given because conversations with the opposite sex are completely circumstantial. One of the main things that are important to note is that getting the woman to talk is essential, especially if you don’t know what the hell to say. I will give you an example of a mock conversation later.
How to say things: Take the time to appreciate the fact that women like a suave man, not a bumbling idiot. Suave does not necessarily mean, “Come to my bedroom†in a Latin accent. It means that how you say what you are saying makes sense contextually.
“I remember (pause for a second and look around as if you are searching for the right words) watching the birds as a boy (pause again, but look into her eyes for half-a-second, then start looking away again), they always seemed so free, you know (when you say, “you knowâ€, look right into her eyes)?†Make sure that the speed of your speech is slow and has method, as if you are being sincere when you are really pulling her along… or are you being really sincere (how gay…).
It should read: “I remember, uh, watching the birds as a boy… they always seemed so free, you know?†BAM! You got her; she now thinks your deep and will secretly dig you. Or she might think that you’re just weird, but in a good way.
If she says, “You’re weirdâ€, just chuckle and reply, “It’s one of those attractively quirky things about me that you gotta love.†Now say you’re only joking. That covers the very basics of this idea.
MOCK conversation that I had with a girl way back when:
Immanuel: Hey, what’s up!? (Look into her eyes with a smile, say it in a happy-to-see-her kind of way)
Jennifer: Hey, how’re you doing?
Immanuel: Just dandy, what are you up to right now, just relaxing by yourself? (Yes, I did say dandy)
Jennifer: Yeah, I was hoping to get some studying in.
(I thought it was over there myself… but studying can be a sign of utter boredom)
Immanuel: Yu-you study? (Stutter playfully and grin [not smile, but grin])
Jennifer: Gotta get those grades. (Damn, she gave such a short response, what do I do)
Immanuel: And those grades will get you money… Mind if I sit down? (That pause leads into the following question)
Jennifer: Sure, why not.
Immanuel: The name’s Immanuel. (Hold out your hand)
Jennifer: Jennifer. (She’ll probably give you her hand as a gesture of good faith, if nothing more)
Immanuel: It’s a pleasure. (Take her hand and shake once in a sturdy manner) What are you studying by the way? (This is your chance to lean in close and get a good whiff of her perfume or whatever sprays she is wearing)
Jennifer: Oh, you know (insert subject here).
Immanuel: Man, sounds… interesting. You know you smell really nice today. (She might move away if you lean in too close, so measure!)
Jennifer: Thanks!
(Damn, another short response)
Immanuel: Hey, you know what, I am gonna’ leave you to your doings. Have a great day Jennifer, I’ll catch you later. (Get up and brush your butt of while your back is turned away, she’ll take a good look at it. Girls like ass too.)
Jennifer: Yeah, have a nice day. (Wave and nod and leave)
It is not important to stretch a conversation out anymore than it needs to be. If you are running out to things to say just cut the conversation where it is and tell her you will continue later. Cutting a conversation can potentially show the woman that you have more important things to do, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Practice:
- Find yourself an ugly girl.
- Talk to her for as long as you can.
- Cut the conversation when you’re done.
- Find another ugly girl.
- Say the exact same things and judge and analyze her responses, are they the same, or are they different?
- Use the second set of responses to categorize womankind.
- Cut the conversation when you’re done.
Repeat until you are ready to move up the chain of aesthetics. - There are usually two types of women: lookers and they know it, or insecure but pretend to be important.
- Practice makes perfect.
Okay, okay, now that is all some interesting information but I think I have a better suggestion. I like the three second thing even though I am not convinced on its validity, but the rest of the information will make the young man look like a sissy. Small talk is good, but the best way to approach a female is to joke on her. Pay attention to detail, and bust on her like shes your friend and you have known her for awhile. The key is to not care what the outcome will be. Just joke with her. I have to warn you that this approach will produce some astounding results when done correctly, but if not it can backfire. If you dont have the confidence, you have to fake it until its there. Go to your local mall and walk into every store. There is probably a girl working in every one, and these women are being paid to talk to you. Ussually they will ask if they can help you with anything, after which you can reply with something like; "well, I need a house, a new car, and a rich girlfriend, do you have that available? I mean this is something you have to work your way in to. Also try to use her own words against her. You know how you use to find everything someone said sexual when you were in the 6th grade, well bring it back, but in moderation, never do it too much. Make it seem like she is trying to get with you, this works wonders. Its really just important to be yourself. If you approach a woman trying to please her, and make her like you, it will never happen. You have to go with the attitude that you are yourself, and you will always be yourself, if she doesnt like who I am, then there is another girl who will. It’s also good to keep in mind that not every woman is open for conversation or a new relationship. Out of like 50 girls you try to talk to, 25 have a boyfriend, and 15 probably have problems, that leaves potentially 10 females in which you can choose from. Which brings me to another important detail, you must know what type of woman you are looking for in order to find her, so if you dont, then figure it out. Okay thats enough for todays lesson.
Okay I never expected such large response! Thanks to everyone for there advice. I thought it was all really good. Theundergroundman asked how old I am. I am 29 years old. And I also looked up Krishnamurti on the www. And I was always told I was an idiot for thinking the way he does. Now I see I am not. I will defenitly find out more about him and his teachings. But to get back to my posting. And to arendt. I thought I got rid of that avatar. I guess not, Suicide was never an option. I know the pain I do not want to put my family through that. And to Uniqor. If I went to see a psychologist they would want me to get back on my medication for bi polar disorder. And I don’t like taking meds for something I can control on my own. But thanks for the advice anyway. ImmanuelAy That was some killer advice. And I am going to give it a try. And illativemindindeed that is some really good advice also. And I am going to try it> and see what happens. Thanks to everyone for there advice. You all are appreciated. And sorry my grammer is really really bad.
sic_guy, im 13 and obviously puberty causes me to be nervous around girls. It’s no big deal!!! Listen if you embarass yourself in front of a woman (looker or not), just move on, and as they say “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
Quote (might be indirect) from S.E. Hinton’s “That Was Then, This Is Now”
~Mark~ “Bryon, “what if’s” are for old people. You just take things as they come.”
I am aware that girls like ass, but something perplexes me. What aspects of ass makes a man’s ass better looking? I know that in the realm of woman ass, all ass is to be compared with the ass of J-Lo, the perfect ass.
J-Lo’s ass is round and bounteous, yet firm and perky. Are man-asses also to live up to this standard?
I think the quality of muscle must be a factor. Man’s attraction to ass is a primordial mating tool- the human ass holds important muscles for locomotion, and is an excellent showpiece for this musculature. Healthy-ass = good walker and provider.
Interestingly enough, the woman’s breasts are oversized in the human species, far beyond other species. What is the purpose of these large breasts? Nobody knows for sure. Contrary to popular opinion, large breasts do not produce more milk.
Well, even though this is the blind leading the blind, here goes. I have found that the best way to get a girl to notice you or to be comfortable around a girl BE YOURSELF. If you have something that is a little messed up and you know it, don’t pay attention. Usually if you act a little nervous this makes females think that you really like them and are insecure. For me this is really getting out there seeing as i have had one girlfriend three times (yes, she broke up with me all three times, the last being 11/2/4 but oh well) I personally think that it would be good to get a girl’s perspective on this so “we” can see onto the other side. Best of Luck.
I can see where Hamster is coming from. As a female, we do like for males to be themselves. What is amazing about this is that if you try to hard we think you like us, try too little we still think that you like us! How that works I don’t know. We females are complicated and do need to know that you like us, for ourselves, but not be like, “well I wanna do you.” For some it is a need for the guy to be honest, for others it is ok and an additional bonus, but for the select few of us who are happy to think what we want to think about the opposite sex and move along.
Okay thanks for all the great advice. It really has been very helpful. I am always my self around them. I think my problem is I am too intimidated by woman. I had a coversation with my friend about this. And he says I am too nice. I am not a pushover I just refuse to treat a woman like crap just to get her to like me. I see woman as more than just meat. He says that is wrong I need to see them as meat. I would not be as intimidated if I saw them as just a lay. But I know I am better than that and they are better than that. And a womans perspective on this is very helpful thank you ANightAtTheOpera. But does it apply to a majority of woman? Or th minority? And what does the opposite think and how do you tell? Okay I am very inexperienced at this. I can give you a quick run down of what had happened. Then you can let me know what you think. I was outside during my brake one of the guys said something about me going bald. I said something, I can’t remember what it was I said. But out of nowhere this woman came up and said how she liked my hair. And we talked for a few minutes about drugs, my hair, what her major is,what my major is. We exchanged names and we went our seperate ways. Well the next day I saw her I just could not say anything and she gave me a dirty look. About a week later I decided I would talk to her and when I tried talking to her what came out of my mouth was not english but a mixture of drunk guy, food in the mouth and baby talk. I was scared as hell to talk to her to begin with but I forced my self to knowing the reward out weighed the consquence And now we talk when we have to and that is it. any way let me know what you think. thanks
Read this to understand women…
slc_guy29 said:
I must say that this was an unfortunate situation. Advice: dont attempt to go out with this girl or have hopes of being intimate with this girl, matter of fact, dont have hopes of being intimate with any girl. Reason being: this girl already has her opinion of you, and unfortunately i doubt its a good one. Dont have hopes of being intimate with any girl because you put too much pressure on yourself, and then you act like you did in the previous situatuon. If its one thing that will turn women off automatically it’s insecurity. When you walk to a girl and your trippin over your words and all dis and dat, well that implies that your insecure, or more importantly stated, not confident in yourself. I think its instinctual, because if you arent confident in yourself, and cant handle this situation, then it is inferred that you cant handle yourself in other situations, such as when you would have to protect a woman. But anyway back to the point. The reason you lost in this situation was because of how you approached it. You gave up on yourself from the beginning. Now since this is the psychology forum I will give you a concept that you should be familiar with. What you have done is given yourself a self-fullfilling prophecy, which basically is a situation where you have an expectation about someone, which then influences how you act towards this person, which then causes that person to behave consistently with your original perception of this person. Now this is just my assumption, but I feel as if your perception of women is that they will respond horribly to you and you wont be successful. So you see that if this is your belief, then there is no way you will be successful, NO WAY! The key here is to change how you feel about yourself. A lack of confidence usually stems from a lack of self-esteem, or either a preoccupation with a certain disability or problem you have. In order to get rid of this problem, you must engage in “self talk”. Basically talking to yourself. Now I can infer that you probably do this a lot anyway, because you said earlier you dont talk much to anyone else. I am also assuming that you are saying negative things to yourself. An example would be, you seeing a bad ass girl, then you saying to yourself, I could never have her. The problem is, you say it, and you mean it, and therefore it comes true. You create your own reality by how you perceive things, if instead you see this woman, and think; but more importantly, you know that you can have her, then it will be true. You have to remember that this is not a process that can occur over night. I mean you probably have years of negative programming, matter of fact I know you do if you watch tv. You have to start by just becoming aware of these thoughts. When you have one, reverse it immediately, and dont think anything else of it. The reason why this is so difficult to do it because we have underlying thoughts under our conscious ones. These underlying thoughts are whats programmed, and if they are negative, will almost always go against the positive thoughts that you are now telling yourself. The key is to tell yourself these positive thoughts in the present tense, it is also a good idea to do this right before you go to sleep, for your conscious mind is at a point where it is slowly creeping into a sleep like state, and it isnt as active. An example would be “WOMEN ARE DRAWN TO MY PERSONALITY”, “I DONT HAVE THE NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING TO WOMAN, THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO MY PERSONALITY”, “I DO NOT FEAR APPROACHING WOMEN”, etc… I hope you see where I am going with this. Basically, until you are able to change your perception on women and your perception on how you make them feel, things will continue to be the same. Also, this is related to why you have a hard time being social; do you smoke weed?
Thanks for the advice you were right about alot of things. But I know woman are drawn to my personality if they take the time to know me and a few have. And I have been able to have very fulfilling relationships with a few of them. And we seperated on good terms. I know I don’t need to prove anything to woman. I am just trying to make myself understand that. Because that is what I used to believe but deep down I still believe that. And the same for approaching woman. But I know with the proper guidance I will overcome my issues.
Yes, I used to but not anymore. And weed is not the only drug I have done. I did alot of LSD, and some crack. But thats about it that I can remember.