I must skip over the aged empty cartons that gather on this curved palm.
Streams of rain connecting between the crevices of the burnt coloured bricks.
A bent body sits holding, nourishing its bodies heat with an obvious shaking and shiver,
He is seated, limbs folded inwards, close, on a plain of shared damp material.
Staring eyes peep out from under his coat hood,
staring into an empty space between the bars of the bridge.
I find myself slowing.
The river is black, with nice ripples forming from the rain drops falling.
I reach in my tight pocket for spare change, and stop.
I am reminded of my earlier feelings.
That i have failed as a woman to show my perfect lover my, well… everything.
The eyes look up blankly at me to see my hands empty.
They sooner look back down, and through me as if i had passed on like the others in the rain.
A tired, and sad young woman i sit beside the man.
No glances shared
I allow my ears to be deafened by the rain.
Very moving, MatyldaH. The writing seems a little bit rough in a few spots, but you do a convincing job conveying a hollow, lonely feeling. I especially liked the last stanza. Sad and poignant.
Thank you for having a read and giving a response.
And thank you for the welcome, my first so far i must admit.
I agree, it is rough in places. I will probably change certain things in time.
I welcome any criticism you might have. I read it for a friend before i put it up, she didn’t understand certain parts, but i guess making it your own has its own beauty though she didn’t. Might have choosen the wrong person to read it too.
The only constructive criticism I feel comfortable offering is that the misspellings were something of a distraction for me. We do have some great writers here, though, hopefully they’ll stop in and offer some of their insights.
[size=90][Don’t take the delayed welcome personally, Matylda, most everyone here is friendly, sometimes it just takes a while for people to make their way to the Creative Writing forum. ][/size]
Yes. Is it possible to edit your poem to change that? I’ve tried to but i dont know how.
I wasn’t taking it personally. I haven’t posted anything in any other forum yet so i dont expect welcomes from every one
I wouldn’t any way, but its still nice.
Yes, you should be able to edit any post you’ve ever made here. When you’re logged in, you should see a button labelled “Edit” in the upper corner of each of your posts (next to the “Quote” button). Just click that to make any changes to your poem, then resubmit the post. Should do the trick.
D’oh! Never mind, I see you already figured it out!
“I find myself slowing” Great line. Perfect timing and placement. They should have a literary term that defines this type of insert, as though it isn’t prevalent even in modern poetry, for me personally, it is the most effective way of establishing a rapport.
I’m not sure if you’re in the market for constructive critisism, so I’ll leave that section blank for now.
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