spirits, with semantics on the rocks

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

the bloody basin sits in my mouth
waiting, still and solitary, until the
blackhole swallows mystery up.

(the astringent taste of alchemic par 
            excellence invades every empty 
            crevice of my titillating gums)

in a moment, i shall transmodulate 
            the electric thrill of mystic proportions
and create metaphysical imagery:

                      Gulp!

oh succor! emancipation from the rigid
dichotomy of presence and absence
phantasy and reality, being and seeing;

the excitation of effulgent imagery 
spurred forth by translucent being
in the temporal darkness of mind.

             Enter nomans land:

desolate darkness of color absence,
canvas  encompassed by temporal non-
existence spatially beset by bereft(sense

suality). left be the looker without the
looked, the seeker without the sought,
directions without destinations.

fraudulent empty stones, are words,
babble is what all this rubble
is

isolated significants symbolizing
conceptual singularities synthesized
through exceptional absurdities of
inductive solipsisims contrived by
assured dogmatics of human philosophy.

Now let’s eat.

2

I like it…

Very… Camus

3

Perfect…

4

Well, thanks for the “applause,” I guess. But, I don’t like it – I tried to do too much within this poem, and as sometimes happens, I think I put two different poems into one.

Initially this poem didn’t have much to do with semantics, it was simply me writing about my experience of drinking red wine and exploring my “being” as the wine took effect ( speaking of which, I’m curious if anyone understood I was talking about wine, I’d be very interested to know as a writer) – which in the end, it seems, got me very frustrated as to the inadequacy of words which were failing to express what I wanted to express, hence the last stanza:

"fraudulent empty stones, are words,
babble is what all this rubble
is

isolated significants symbolizing
conceptual singularities synthesized
through exceptional absurdities of
inductive solipsisims contrived by
assured dogmatics of human philosophy.

Now lets eat"

which is now deleted. I like it, but it seems to be more befitting of a seprate poem, not one that is linked to the previous stanzas. Of course, now my problem is to try and figure out whether the ending is enough for what I have left – it seems a bit abrubt – plus it seems almost disengenous to work out a new ending now that I’m no longer drunk and out of my dreadful trance.

(Feedback will be very much appreciated – thanks)

Maybe I can still end it with; “Now lets eat,” that may work… hmm… oy.

No. . . it doesn’t work.

Honestly, Atalanta, I would really like to know why you thought it was: “perfect”? What made it perfect for you? If you don’t mind, it would really help me out, if you told me what you saw in the poem to respond the way you did?

Maybe I can rework the poem by adding the line: “I begin again,” then following up with the last two stanzas that I deleted. errr :confused:

5

I don’t know “why” I thought it was perfect…it just was. I replied before you split it up and removed the punch-line at the end ( “Now lets eat,”) —>that seemed to tie the whole thing together.

6

Thank you Atlanta, I needed that.

I re-read the piece high; yea, I think it works, I like it and I’ll leave it.

Oh, if you still care, how do you like the new title? Good, right? heh – sorry, it’s just that marijuana never ceases to amaze me – and that’s exactly what this poem needed, a good hit.

7

Do you still like the new title? too bad this particular poem was not “chosen” for the new site. :-k

“They passed the port at midnight.”

8

Hmm… for the moment, yes I do still like it, but I assume that you don’t by that remark. You liked “semantics” better, did you?

As for the new site, thanks for pointing it out – I didn’t know it was already up and running. I guess I should try submitting a few pieces – although I hate the thought of rejection. But since I get some postive feedback here and there, I’ll give it a shot.

p.s.

I really love a few of enya’s songs. And I also really love Loreena Mckennitt as well, if you’re familliar with her that is – though I’m sure you probably are. Just thought I’d share.

-André

9

I like the new title…semantics are best served on the rocks. :-k