Stand up comedy

[creation_imperfect]

Favorite stand-up comedian? (or comedians)

Post a quote or two from the person too. A joke thread devoted to others’ jokes.

I was gonna stay over at my friend’s house. She says “You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! Got me again. You don’t know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!–Mitch Hedberg

Instead of having a $350 dollar tax cut what you do with that money is do a public works project. See, what that is, is you pay a lot of people to build something, okay? And that way you employ people who are unemployed. And then they get money, and they spend it, and that stimulates the fucking economy too! So, you pick a place that really needs something. You know, a state that could really use it, like Mississippi. Of course Mississippi. Because that’s the place that no one has ever thought, ‘Boy, I gotta vacation. I need two weeks in Biloxi!’ And you go down there and find a place that’s totally in the shitter; you won’t have to go far. And what you do is build a big fuckin’ thing. I don’t care what it is! As long as it’s big and it’s a fuckin’ thing! And then the economy will explode, because people will say, ‘I’ve gotta see the Big Fuckin’ Thing!’ And then there’ll be a Big Fuckin’ Thing Restaurant. A Big Fuckin’ Thing Hotel and Casino! A Big Fuckin’ Thing Spa!–Lewis Black

[Ierrellus]

Robin Williams, “Minds and diapers should be changed often, and for the same reason.”

[Colinsign]

He stood up regularly and sat back down again.

Spike Milligan:

“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”

“Education isn’t everything; for a start it isn’t an elephant.”

“My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light”

“World peace could be a possibility…if it weren’t for all those damned foreigners!”

[Impenitent]

steven wright

how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.

-Imp

[Mr_Kebop]

Dane Cook would have to be my favorite.

[creation_imperfect]

Any favorite Dane Cook quotes?

[Mastriani]

“They call me … Tater Salad”

“When did stewardesses in this country get so fucking cranky?”

[Mr_Kebop]

@creation imperfect

Any favorite Dane Cook quotes?

Its more his entire performance, I really can’t come up with anything that would make sense without the context applied to it. I’ll try to find a clip when I have a minute.

[Toasted]

George Carlin

“They’re superstitious, they have these beliefs, these primitive, you know, people believe in a… I mean they’re just really kind of credulous, and gullible. People believe in, for instance, hell and angels, okay, these are very primitive, very, very backward to me, backward sounding beliefs, these are child-like, and that’s the key, because they get you when you’re a kid, they get you when you’re little, and they tell you there’s a God, and if you can make people believe, I believe this, if you can make someone believe that there’s an invisible man, living in the sky, who’s watching everything you do, and keeping count of everything you do, which is good and which is bad, then you can make that person believe anything after that, you can add anything you want, the 4th of July shit just rolls right in, land of the free, home of the brave, the press is fair and impartial, justice is blind, all men are created equal, your vote is important, the United States government is on your side, the army is here to keep the peace, the police are on your side…Oh, and freedom of choice, this is the big one, the illusion of choice, we’re led to feel free by the exercise of meaningless choices. There are, for instance, important things – not too many choices, unimportant things-ice cream flavors, what do you want, we’ve got 31, the flavor of the week, the flavor of the month, but political parties-we’re down to two, jeez. Sources of information, media companies down to five, banks, insurance companies, pharmaceuticals, chemical companies, oil companies-used to be seven, down to three, pretty soon it’s gonna be two. But if you’re lookin’ for a bagel or a fuckin’ donut, hey, what do you want-pineapple supreme, hazelnut; we’ve got everything you want. Cereals, I counted, personally in the store counted 192 different cereal choices, 192. 140 different cat foods, I counted, and that includes a tartar-control cat food for senior citizen cats, okay?”

Bill Hicks

“The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly coloured and it’s very loud and it’s fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, ‘Hey – don’t worry, don’t be afraid ever, because this is just a ride …’ And we … kill those people. Ha ha, ‘Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.’ It’s just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn’t matter, because – it’s just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead, spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you’ve been great.”

[thirst4metal]

Married and bored or single and lonely.

I hate married people! It’s fucking disgusting!

Single people eat for an hour and thirty minutes, and leave… cause they got fucking to do!

Once you get married you become your wife’s pet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AS13dTbAdcI

It’s not that Chris Rock is my favorite… it’s that there are few options.

-Thirst

[creation_imperfect]

Not stand up, but comedy nonetheless. A quote from Dave Barry:

“Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom, and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth AND fresher breath.”