I like reviewing things. I just don’t have the money to review alot. And I don’t have an X-Box. So I PC game. Which makes gaming much rarer as PCs suck for games… (NOTE: I won’t buy an X-Box despite how I like all the games because I refuse to spend a dime on a company that invariably Bill Gates profits from. I think I’d feel safer buying an X-Box after Bill Gates was dead. I got this game long before I knew Bill Gates was Planned Parenthood’s little whore. But only recently had the tech knowledge to make it playable on my PC…)
Anyway, back to my rewview of KOTOR…
You start the game off waking up to a loud boom as sith troops invade your ship. What the hell are you doing sleeping on the job anyway?! Nevermind that, it’s a tutorial level anyway… When you created your character, you had the choice of three possibilities. Which all suck, despite the high demand you be a Mary Sue.
Soldier: Good for combat. Not much else. Gets hardly any skillpoints at all. And you’ll need treat injury up untill you get The Force to heal yourself.
Scout: Supposedly the middleground, in practice it sucks at everything. You’ll be missing enemies a whole lot and you don’t really get enough skillpoints to be useful.
Scoundrel: Lots of skillpoints, more vunerible then a naked five year old at a NAMBLA convention… Has a special ability of “stealth mode” which makes you sortof invisible to the enemy. (And you walk really really REALLY slowly…) But why do you have stealth mode??? The point of this game is to levelup so you can prepare for hectic battles. It’s not as level dependent as say, Final Fantasy. But you should not passup a battle.
Your first significant party member is Carth. What the hell were they thinking letting this whiny little bitch into the military? I feel sorry for the girls who are stuck with this asshole as their love interest. Thankfuly he makes up for his whining with some badass duel-wielding guns which aren’t halfbad at the beggining of the game. You’ll need to find better guns to keep him good though, as he’s not built to do anything else but shoot and soakup damage… You’ll also be forced moreso with him to indulge into roleplaying then anything other character. This is how a typical conversation will look…
Carth: No! I don’t want to talk about my long and boring past! It’s too heart wrenching to even think about!
Jim: Fine, we won’t.
Carth: You can’t make me! I don’t need this crap! I was captain of the republic fleet!
Jim: FINE, WE WON’T!
Something seems to be bothering Carth, maybe you should talk about his long and boring past. He needs this crap…
Jim: God-damnit…
I can’t help but think this game made no attempt to not be the most liberal shit videogame it could possibly be. Ok, naturally guns should be weaker then melee weapons on the basis of guns are “cheap” and you can shoot from afar. But really, the badguys are going to shoot guns too, so it’s hardly unfair. No, this system seems to thinks guns are bad. Guns are not only underpowered damage wise, but even the cheapest of energy shields are specifically designed to undermine your blaster pistols. This is the friggin’ FUTURE! Why am I fighting like I’m in the God-damn dark ages?!
I don’t expect the alignment system to be overly complex. It’s just a videogame. But it’s not even trying. As you can see in the picture it’s pretty obvious, be a dick, and you’re darkside. Be a doormat, and you’re lightside… More liberal undertones are added as many times throughout the game you’ll be expected to be Santy Claus. (I said Santy on purpose…) Tons of people have bounties on their heads, and need about three fiddy’ to get it off. Cause you know, that’s the best way to promote not getting involved with the mob and reducing crime. By paying off said mob and being these dumbasses safety nets…
There comes a point in the game where this huge, monopolizing, coporation pretty much owns every planet and there’s a toll booth every planet you go too. Like any good liberal, they piss and moan about this coporation, but don’t actually do anything about it. And expect you to pay the toll. You can use Jedi Mind Tricks to avoid paying the toll, but it’s frowned upon as an abuse of The Force. Too fucking bad. I don’t feel like spending two hundred credits everytime some toll booth guy comes up. I’m not made of credits y’know…
Another of the team-mates you meet early in the game is Mission Vao. Who my only frustration is she cannot be a love interest. She’s like fourteen or sixteen, I forgot. But apparently bioware did not want to encourage pedophilia, so did not even allow the chance to make the only non crazy bitch in this game a love interest. And she’s got a whole lot of junk in her trunk. It makes my penis wheep. And not in the good way.
Along with Mission you get Zaalbar. Wookies are fucking lame. Not only can they not use most equipment. But at first you’re like “awww, I always wanted a puppy”. Now imagine this puppy is a real asshole who talks about pride and backtalks you. Zaalbar starts to become a real dick by the end of the game, and it makes you not feel sorry for those punkass wookies getting enslaved. Which is another thing. We get it, minorities are oppressed. Wahwahwah! Racism! Could this game get any more liberal?!
Jolee Bindo, you don’t meet this guy untill much later. And be glad. He’s not so much annoying, as it is his “old man” personality is too forced. Damn kids all up on his lawn! He’s just a little old man who wants to see the big universe! A little old man that could kick your ass blindfolded…
HK-47. He’s suppose to be “lololol comedy relief! ^___^” he just comes off as a twelve year old bully trying to sound tough but gets the bealt to his ass by his abusive father behind closed doors. It’s all a facade. “Meatbag”, that’s the best you can do? I just cut a guy in half with a fucking lightsaber and you think you’re edgy for calling me meatbag?! I should fucking break you down and give you to Bastilla as a new “vibroblade”. Speaking of Bastila…
Bastila. The batshit crazy female Jedi with a stick up her ass. (Typical woman) I wouldn’t have been so patient with her if not for the fact she looks and sounds like my Australian sex kitten Julz… Early on in the game she just makes little smarmy qhuips like a grade school girl about how she totally doesn’t like you but is forced to spend every waking moment with you. By the end of the game after getting John McCain totured, she turns to the darkside and offers to suck your cock if you do too. Naturally I said yes. So now I’m attempting in my new game to see if I can turn her back to the light, and give her a dicking without being a gigantic, evil, prick. I don’t see why I should have to choose pussy or being a lonely hero. Maybe this is why Mission said “I know you’re not evil, atleast not completely”. Sorry Mission, but I need to bust a nut. And the game designers didn’t let me use you. More proof that child sex laws are wrong. Because of you sexualy repressed morons, I turned to the darkside! The entire galaxy suffers because of your arrogance! For shame!!!
Here’s another love interest. But to my knowledge only if you’re a lesbo. I don’t know if a straight male character can tap that ass. Not sure he’d even want too… I’m not kidding about the lesbo part, infact when you’re introduced. Her dyke girlfriend baawws about it. So you go and meet her, fight a little, and then try to convince her to stop being such an emo bitch. It’s hard, you’ll need several ranks in persuade and can’t just mind rape her. In my darkside game I just said “fuck this” and killed her after failing to convince her after like thirty tries. Then I told her angry girlfriend the bitch had it coming. “We use to sit out at night and look at the stars together!” We get it, you’re gay. Let’s just fight and get this over with… So apparently yiffing lesbo cat hybrids is okay, but banging little fourteen year old aliens is not…
This is by far my favorite character. Canderous. He’s an asshole. But he’s self sufficient. He fucking regenerates so I never have to stop what I’m doing to heal him. Every word out of his mouth is either about how wonderful it is to fight and be an asshole, or “you had it coming!” Even when some dude’s kid dies, he’s like “that’s what you get for being a pussy and not defending for her! Row Row, Fight The Power!” Someone’s girl cheats on them. “That’s what you get for having a small penis! Row Row, Fight The Power!” Luckily his little qhuips don’t effect NPC interactions, if they did I’d be getting in alot more battles… He is everything HK47 was suppose to be but failed to live up to…
You come to find out that you are infact this Darth Revan everybody keeps talking about. And this is the justification for how you mary sued in-game the pod races, fight club, and everything else. You’ve been subconsciely acting through The Force or some shit. (Making you wonder why sith don’t just cheat their way to success and money and screw the whole religion part…) When you enter the sith acadamy, you can meation you’re Darth Revan. But noone will believe you. “Haha, yeah right. Obvious Troll is Obvious!” is the basic response…
I fucking hate the sith camp level. Basically everyone is a fucktarded randroid. I swear, if you play your cards right, you’ll only have to fight ALOT instead of everyone and everything… There’s a part where your teacher wishes to kill the other teacher. So you can tell the teacher about this crazy bitch’es plan. Do so, and when you encounter them and they congratulate you, you only have to fight her. Don’t do so, and you have to fight him. Then fight her cause she goes power crazy, but can spare her life to trun her to the light. Fuck that. Atlas Shrugged suck. Die bitch.
The truly sith thing to do would be to troll both of these losers and say you’re the true lord of the sith. However, this is suicide, and they will gangup on you and kick your ass.
This is the level I hate the most. Mannan… These fish fuckers are horrible little bastards. They try to act like the neutral planet of Futurama. “My gut says maybe!” But in practice these assclowns will arrest you and take you to court over everything! And for guys who are so damn neutral they sure are quick to throw around the death penalty. I’ve fought larger crowds then this, but apparently this is really what liberals want. A bunch of sue-happy fish people who give you the eletric chair for looking at them wrong… There’s a level where you walk around so God awfully slowly you want to just giveup on the game right there. And you die in one hit. I swear to fucking God. Cause in your aqua-suit. You can’t move around, you can’t use wepaons, you can’t use the force. You’re stuck wabbeling around, using this sonic ray to kill the sharks who want to give you suprirse buttsex. So, finally when you come across the chance to either poison the kraken or blowup the oil reserves that are making the fish people go crazy and the sharks more aggressive. Guess which one I chose?
Ofcourse the liberalism wanted me to choose the latter. Baaaawww! We’re meddling with nature! I don’t fucking care. This whole planet sucks. I fealt so good tainting the God-damn water. Not only did I probably doom those fish fucks who, I assume, need the water more then anyone… But their whole economy relied on these healing bubbles from the water. So at the very least, what I did will utterly destroy their economy. That’ll teach you to arrest a God-damn Jedi. I mean hell, they give some guy life in prison for cheating on his wife, and the slut dying but having no substantial proof he killed her. Mind you this was with my help. Without it he would’ve been executed for sure… Granted several times in the game cheating spouses are either overly punished or not punished enough. Ok, a guy cheats on you, so you’re going to trap him with deadly droids and if he moves he explodes? So he’s just suppose to sit there in the desert and dehydrate to death. That’s a little extreme don’t you think? Then this other poor guy’s wife cheats on him for the guy who died and you’re suppose to intterogate him for murder. Yeah, he obviously had a part in it. But considering the circumstances, and considering the guy who died was apparently a douchebag anyway. I’m going to let this one slide… The game has no concept of sensible killings. Either it’s slow and painful death, or you send them a fucking fruit basket.
There also is a fuckload of puzzles that you WILL need to look up on Game FAQ or some shit to figure out. Honestly, I don’t understand why puzzles were even put there. This isn’t a puzzle game, and they won’t make sense to anyone unless they designed the fucking thing. The saddest part is, all the puzzles are designed by sith. Cause inbetween being fight-happy fucks who have pages of The Foutainhead stuck together under their matresses… they’re developing complex puzzles to challenge your mind and protect their ancient secrets!
And ofcourse, what liberal videogame would be complete without abortion, huh?! Darth Malak has cleverly constructed test tube Jedi. Rather then just indiscriminately kill, he keeps these Terry Schaivos in suspended animation to harness their life essence for personal use. So you have two choices: You can either fight a losing battle with some cheap bastard who’s just going to replenish his health/mana. Or you can abort these Jedi fetuses by whiping out death field or something…
So there you have it. Don’t get me wrong, the game was fun. But it was definitely not intended for anyone less then Ralph Nader level of liberalism, and it’s increddibly buggy. Even with the downplayed graphic settings and a ascii code I got from 4chan to disable some of the other bugs, it still is shit from time to time which is why I havn’t gotten around to completing the game as a lightside character.
So if you see it in a bargain bin, go ahead and buy it. But I would not reccomend you pay more then fifteen bucks for this shit. And It’s far too demanding to be pirated. It has four fucking CDs. Halo only needed one!