Those fundamentalist lightning FUCKS!
Imp, get your rubber gun. We’re a goin lightnin’ huntin’
simply put; LOL at the Lightning Fundies!
Alright, pay attention. This will be a great post by me right now.
You see, my neighbor, Fred, is a drug dealer. The thing is, so am I; this isn’t much of a problem because my security system is such that I effectively own most of the other dealers anyways. Still though, Fred is a smart guy, and he grows his own weed so I can’t control him. Now, this is a small town with it’s own monetary system which I’ll explain in a second. First I should say I’m actually in debt; but my answer to this problem is to simply keep making more money, that way when the people buy it from me, it’ll be at a higher price then when they use it to buy back my weed. I’m a pillar in the community, they don’t really want to see me go down with no other alternative. I am pretty much the shit, but like I said, Fred is smart and he has his own currency as well; he uses it in conjunction with the other few remaining dealers. If a few people start using his currency it might catch on, providing the alternative to my heavily taxed system. So you see how I cannot allow Fred to live – if everyone abandons my currency it will be useless, I’ll be fucked.
So… how can I kill Fred without making it look suspicious? To do that I turned to my friend Imp. He told me that if we could make the rest of the town scared of Fred, we might have a shot. But how? Imp suggested that first, I need a slogan, I need… the direct opposite of some majority group of people in the town (or at the least the ones in town who would care). That’s when he thought of it! Electricity! Everyone uses electricity! It’s the perfect angle… but how to make people afraid of electricity? After all… it’s not -that- scary. I suggested that we use all our sources to start enticing the probability of a lightning strike hitting anyone and everyone, after one such natural occurrence… occures. But Imp pointed out we didn’t have time to wait for another lightning storm, let alone one close to the city. He suggested, rather brilliantly that we somehow create a lightning strike, (or at least something that looks like it) I mean after all, who would believe that we would make a lightning strike? But who to hit… well it only followed it would have to be someone who uses my currency, no wait! That’s it! I’d hit -my- house! Who would think I would try and create a lightning strike, and then, above all else, attack my own home! It was so brilliant.
And so the plan was set. We couldn’t actually create a real lightning strike, so rather we opted, rather, for the following. On the corner of my roof would be a very large speaker, a piece of dynamite, and a very very intense light and all the plans and schematics we used. Waiting on cue were our contacts – different neighbors to say ‘hey did you see that?’, and then, of course, our local newspaper and radio. So on the day we picked (mostly cause the number would be cool in retrospect) we flashed the lightbulb, and then near simultaneously we blasted the vicinity with enough noise as possible while destroying the evidence in the process. It was a work of art really…
So, just to set the stage a little bit I drove over to one of the local power generators and starting beating the shit out of it with a baseball bat. When someone asked me what I was doing I shrugged and said, “well… that’s where electricity comes from”. By this time our contacts had hyped up the town enough, but especially the people who use my currency, because, get this – they told them the lightning hated them especially.
So then I announced my plan for killing Fred and taking over his house. Naturally everyone asked ‘Why?’. It appeared my plan hadn’t worked -exactly- as I would have hoped; but no worry. I produced a couple pictures I made which showed Fred with a super lightning gun, plotting to kill us. Let’s just say that enough people believed me, or rather, enough feared me, and so I went in and killed Fred without anyone really calling the cops.
Now I have a different problem though… another Fred had popped up using his currency, which is of course still around as it wasn’t so much ‘his’ as simply used by him. I know exactly what he’s thinking too: “Will Gobbo be stupid enough to risk attacking himself again?”
The truth is starting to leak out… I can feel it. It would be risky to try and take out Fred again… but i could do it if I was careful enough. First I need more contacts though, I need more control. Once again Imp suggested that the more I get my people to be weary of lightning, the better. It should be a chronic fear he said… every natural strike must be thoroughly exaggerated and then, to an even greater degree we must create a few more fake ones close to home. Not as extreme as the one on my house… but extreme enough so as to not run the risk of getting caught. Whatever I do… I hope someone stops me eventually. I’ve got people wearing lightning reflective socks just so I can live in luxury.
The town I once knew is rapidly turning into what my wife calls ‘A depressing mind prison of chronic fear’. Ah fuck it… what does she know? I mean really… what can I do? I… I can’t stop.
Peanuts > Bin Laden.
In reference to the first post…
I guess we should just let terrorist kill people because the numbers aren’t impressive to guys like Gobbo.
In reference to the second “great” post…
You might have aimed a little high.
-Thirst
lmao…
That’s some good shit!
I’ve been laughing allot lately, you know. 
Alternatively, wage war on peanuts.
Make peanuts illegal.
Execute anti-peanut strikes on nations which harbor weapons of mass peanut.
I ask each and every one of you to pray for this great nation.
The peanut is evil.
The peanut insights terror, mass murder, and rape.
Osama skippy stands for scandal, death and terror.
This is his face:
Osama Bin Skippy has peanut production factories all over the world, secretly pumping peanut butter into our women and our children.
CIA tests prove that the extra-creamy strains of peanut-butter are over 15% as deadly. One by one the squirels are learning, and they are building an organization of mass peanut.
We need to act now!
Dan~,
lol.
And what’s more… no one has an answer.
I thought I would at least get the same old contrived bullshit but nothing…
Come on folks, you can’t give up this easily. I know I’m right… but this ain’t for my benefit.
The gun is good.
The peanut is evil.
I bet Hitler thought the same thing…
-Thirst
Alright…
I’ve been thinking, and I have another insight. The terrorists have something that’s called a brain, and this enables them to think and move about with a fair degree of intelligence.
Now, deer also have a brain… but it’s not as good as the terrorists’ (which are, of course, inferior to our own). So I’m thinking instead of wasting all this money and effort, and death, on killing the terrorists, we start hunting the deer. After all, right now one is killing just as much as the other… and we can win the war against deer.
What’s the deal with those antlers anyways? Clearly Christian haters…
You might be thinking 'but Gobbo, peanuts don’t even have brains. I know… I know, but it just doesn’t sell. We can market the antler thing.
Okay, Gobbo - Bush lied about the WMD’s. Doesn’t (almost) everybody know that already?
And he did it to preserve the dollar’s status in the oil trade.
If that is so, I actually feel better about the whole thing than I did.
At least it’s a reason.
gobbo, sell all the socks you can…
-Imp
That’s what I thought.
“At least it’s a reason”
…Crimson sky…
Silent screams…
Drab reality, madness in dreams.
Dollars exchanged for lives.
Glory exchanged for peace.
Good bye America…
I understand Imp’s enjoyment and my desire to inflict self-chastisement for frequenting porn sites, but what do you get from this, faust?
Are you tricked into visiting porn sites too frequently, as well?
That is SO off-topic…
And you’re concerned because…?
BECAUSE he is Dan ; has every right to be concerned.