I am sorting through my mother’s things which have been shipped to my house after she became ill. I don’t know why I am writing this other than to say that it is important to attach memories to your “stuff” or it will have little meaning. Mummy lived in her museum, never to share even so much as a wooden bowl with me all these years, not to mention she never visited me or even knows my children.
A strange phenomenon this “stuff” business. It is like taking a photo of the Grand Canyon with no one standing in front of it. For a bit, the photo is nice, but in time, it is the people who stand in front of the beauty that makes the picture complete and memorable.
A good lesson to learn in life. For so many years we attach the importance to stuff (in the hilarious words of my idol George Carlin) but it is the people who touch us, not the credenzas, or the mirrors or the clothes we wear. My mother had all this valuable blueware from the late 18th century as untouchable artifacts in her house. I now have them in my kitchen cupboards and the next family dinner we will be scooping our mashed potaotoes from my great-grandmother’s bowls. Then - and only then - we these bowls mean something to my children and maybe to their children.
In your life today, make it about people. When you are older, you will be so glad.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I’ve just gone through this myself; last month, in fact. Going into my mom’s house - cracking the seal - as my brother aptly put it, was an intensely emotion thing for me. All I could bring myself to do is to place the contents of her refrigerator into a trash bin. And even this required several trips out behind the bushes in order to re-compose myself.
No inanimate thing has value in itself, it’s only the relationship we have with those things that matter. I wanted nothing from my mother save her love. As such, my sisters and brother could not force me to accept as much as a teacup that belonged to my mom. I did take a dozen photographs of her home with me. Still, the best picture that was ever taken of her remains in my mind’s eye.
“When your time comes and your whole life flashes in front of you, will it hold your interest? How much of the story will be about moments of clarity and grace, kindness and caring? Will the main character-you-appear as large and noble as life itself, or as tiny and absurd as a cartoon character, darting frantically among mountains of stuff?” Affluenza, DeGraaf, Wann, Naylor
At the end of life, most of us will end up in a hospital bed dying of pneumonia. The actual cause that puts us there is irrelevent… At that time the only possessions we will have is the is the memories of the relationships we have forged. So much for “stuff”.
No, it has gotten horrible. Every piece is attached to my childhood pain. I need a serious therapist now. All those years ago were buried and now they are surfaced. She even attached some ugly notes for fun. Even f*cking with me from the nursing home. My best friend is dealing with his mother dying and he is so, so sad… i don’t know what is worse. Losing someone you love, or wishing they would go to give you some peace and feeling guilty about it.
Guilt it a useless emotion that I looooove to indulge in. Shit.
Oh crap, Bessy don’t you dare let her do this to you! Come on you can be strong. You got it made girl, you got what she can’t have. you got a family that loves you and needs you . Don’t you frigging let that woman drag you down with her. We can’t choose our family but we darn sure can choose our response to them. You did get to choose your husband and you did get to choose how to raise your kids, woman you did and are doing good, you know it. Burn the stuff or have your husband dump it at the dump or give it to goodwill. Burn the notes, get that poison destroyed.
You learned from the past how to be better then her, let that stand as her legacy to you and for you, not painful crap not crap that she chooses to bring you down with. Give the better legacy to your kids not the shit she wants to leave, but what you choose to take from the past.
This shoulder is taking a beating from that area too but its here and so far it ain’t broke. Lets not let them win OK go see a therapist get help, I wish i could help you but you have my thoughts and wishes and think of me as your rooting section , Go Bessy Go Bessy!Rah rah
I can’t tell you how much that meant, Kris. Of anyone, I know you understand; it just is her mode to make me sick over this. Sick and guilty. I wrote a post about it a few days ago, but after 3 minutes I deleted it realizing it was too personal. One person read it, but I couldn’t leave it up there in case someone was in a venomous mood, and at this point i can’t take any more.
Why do mothers do this to their children? As I was raising my kids, I was less involved with her, but even then I would wait by the mailbox to hear from her. So twisted.
I needed a little RahRah, so thanks for that. I wanted to write all day to you but wanted to take my time and write something nice and not be in a hurry.
Why do humans harm each other Bessy? Sadly Moms are not immune to this, we are after all as human as the rest, Maternal protective love does not infect all Moms. Some moms are just people in pain with progeny. I am a mom, you are a mom, our mothers are people in pain with progeny. They are mothers the formal, not moms the familiar. We love them, Do they love us? In their painful twisted way, yes. But, and its a big but Bessy, they will never ever be Mom with all the love that our kids give us. Perhaps they see this and wish to bring us down, taking away what little we got from them. I don’t know. I can’t let that happen nor can you. Love them yes, feel for them yes, but follow them, no way jose. If my mom were sane and a good mom she would tell me to run. LOL Just do exactly what you would advise your kids to do Bessy.
They will continue to hurt us and yes, we will at times wish it would just end quicker, then we will feel guilty over that. Perhaps we shouldn’t , the thought is just a defense mechanism, and while we may wish it we would never act nor really want it to happen. (And its a durn good thing both our Moms are clear across the country from us isn’t it? so we don’t have to put that to the test. right? LOL)The best thing that we got from them somehow is to be better people and moms and wives. That is something at least. Mine will die probably not even remembering me and the love I do have for her or how I stood there for the mental beatings just because I love her and know she is ill. Why do we punish ourselves might be the better or more desperately apropriate question. The answer again is because we are better.
Now, how did you like that rockin kitten? there are some funny things on that site. treat yourself to it . Hug
Thanks for the card , I knew you would enjoy the cat but, hey I wanted to end that post on a high note and my mind was a blank except for that or maybe this
I will be at your bedside having the party celebrating the fun times. No Sad Cafe for me.
