I forgot that I’m always transparently naked,
translucent only under clouds.
The city winter seems so opaque these days.
A rational animal. The animal that chooses
the beast licking the dead dog’s wound.
Obliterated festering lets off steam and cools.
Industrial mother, what did you birthed?
A comforter of cement, a broken glass down single bed.
The streets are open to you, but your back has been turned.
But where did you go?
I forgot that wind blows through
me, that I’m material.
Kudos Alex - your best poem I have read to date. Since I’ve only been a member here for about a month, I have a lot to catch up with in regards to your ILP poetry to see if there even more profound pearls awaiting. Keep up the good work.
lhw - AKA: The Straight-faced Clown AKA: M.C. Tape-Hiss
I happen to like her use of the words transparent, transluscent and opaque in the first stanza. It’s integral to the poem, not a clever gimmick just to show people she knows big words. Yeah, I agree that some poets too-heavily resort to linguistic acrobatics and try to be too complex, cute and fancy with the big words they know and want to impress people with when they can say the same thing with less-gransiose verbiage, but I also believe that poetry should not be too dumbed-down either - we can acheive a balance.
lhw - AKA: The Straight-faced Clown AKA: M.C. Tape-Hiss
I don’t think Alexis wrote it with any notion of showing she has a large vocabulary. That is nto my charge. I think she has just gone over-kill - simpler words would do.
And they might convey the idea better.
I am feeling omnipotent this morning
and after using the bowery
I decide to wipe my posterior
with the quilted golden sandpaper of time
and not the thin standard rough bog roll of reality!
or
I am feeling strong this morning
and after using the toliet
I decide to wipe my ass
with the fancy toliet paper
and not the crap rough standard toliet paper.
Hmm…perhaps I’m not being clear…
Alexis:
I forgot that I’m always transparently naked,
translucent only under clouds.
The city winter seems so opaque these days.
or
I forgot that I’m always naked
only under clouds
The city winter seems so cloudy these days.
OK, the second is much clearer in its claims i think.
This is just an example. I’m sure its horrible.
But you get the point.
In the context of this example poem you’ve composed, yeah, you’ve made a point, but it’s not entirely applicable to Alex’s poem. Alex(is) is not using big words just for the sake of using big words. Whereas in your example poems , yeah, the one with the simpler words was the better of the two. But it also depends on the mood and tone you’re trying to convey - you may intend one kind of mood/tone but your choice of words may produce a different mood/tone for the reader.
Your proposed revision of Alex(is)'s poem actually ruins, not improves, it for the sake of simplifying the vocabulary of the opening stanza. " If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it" as the saying goes. Imagine for a moment you’re a Ferrari owner - you wouldn’t take your Ferrari into the garage to remove its engine and replace it with a Yugo engine just for the sake of simplicity would you?
lhw - AKA: The Straight-faced Clown AKA: M.C. Tape-Hiss