The Beginning
(Part I)
By
Pax Vitae
“Are you happy, with what you have found?â€
“Did you not expect this?â€
“Has shock finally silenced that tongue which could never be silenced?â€
“So, am I, what you expected?â€
“It’s over, come with me, it’s time to talk.â€
I could start this story anywhere, the beginning doesn’t really matter. Whether I say “In the beginning†or “Once upon a time†it doesn’t make any difference. I’m not that fond anymore of the grandeurs in life, they’ve all become a little monotonous. All that pomp and ceremony, fine words of importance or should I say impotence, as nothing ever gets done. Some people like a story with a moral, others filled with love and excitement, but all agree that there should be a hero and a villain. Of course good always defeats evil. The hero returns, well, a hero. But life is not like that, is it? You might, if you’re a clever one, have picked up on the fact that I’m a little disenchanted. Well, when you’ve seen what I’ve seen, it’s very hard to be inspired. I’ve watched so many beautiful things give way to corruption. And the most beautiful of all, was my beloved.
The hardest part, is I can still remember all the great times we had together, nothing can ever take those memories away. How often I wish I could forget, but can’t. This is the paradox of love at its best; the happiest moments become the worst. What used to make me smile and laugh now only makes me cry. At an intellectual level I find this quite amusing, but the pain is still there, always. Sometimes I wish in the silence of death I might find peace from them, but this is an option I cannot explore. Some of my associates tell me, I should find another love. I call them associates, because I had only one friend. If only my words weren’t so cold, my emotions have all but left me inarticulate. I can see the words, but… they all seem so empty, their meaning left, when I left all those years ago.
I once believed there was no such thing as time. In my youth all my days where filled with joy. I never dwelt on the past or the future, only the intoxication of the present, which consumed me with its pleasure. Oh, how blissfully unaware and naïve I was. Love shone on me and I basked in her glory. We were the perfect couple, the synergy we created, the world will never see the like of again. But time moves much slower now. Days, have folded into months, and months into years, its all become so blurred, time has slowed to the point where each breath feels like eternity. Yet it still seems as if it happened only yesterday.
Was it jealousy? I don’t know; I still stand by what I said. But the look on her face, those eyes that once held me, now stared right through me. I could feel what was once love, turn against me. In that split moment all was lost, that which once loved me now, could no longer stand to see me. I had offended my beloved. All because of her new friend and a love I should not share with another.
She changed, I was no longer enough for her, had I changed? What was it she couldn’t find in me? I loved her so much, but, yet I couldn’t enchant her like I used to. My love was no longer enough for her. We spent less time together, as she was always talking with her new friend. She invited me a couple of times, but I couldn’t go, I felt awkward, I could see the love shining in his eyes every time he talked to her. It made my blood boil. That smile which only ever greeted me now greeted him. What was it she saw in him? He had somehow turned her against me. I love her so much, the pain, well in the past, could drive me to madness. I would never let her share her love with him, never. Hahaa, so I personally made sure that he would never be loved by her again.
I’m not proud of what I did, but I was at first. Time makes you change, love makes you change. My associates say I spend too much time in the past, and I should think about the future. But I have no future. Do you think its possible to consume so much pleasure that the only thing left is pain? The love I had is only in the memories of the past. For once I was called beloved, but now, only Satan. Man has corrupted my beloved God and turned her against me. So I sit and wait for what I do not know, in this darkness fuelled by my unrequited love, where I pray for the end.