before i kick this off,i’d like to note the most common form of humor around here is probly sitcom(situation comedy).this type cant be done on the spot like stand up comedy,but really works if you get the proper opertunity.
here’s mine:(sorry this is not my material,but it is worth posting)
Wierd al’s horoscope of the day is:“now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face.”
Your thread was is just buzzing like a bee hive being smoked out by bong.
(* Pokes dead bodies with a stick *)
Ahemm…
(* Streatches and drinks cup of water *)
…
(* Gets out mike and farts into the mike *)
…is this shit working?
what kinda shit is this?
some kinda… some kinda shit around here…
is that monkey shit?..
weres gobbo? sometimes, you know, monkeys… well… they take a shit.
Monkey see and monkey do, right?
Like, what if a monkey saw one of us takin a shit?
Jesus, that would be full of shit.
…
so, you don’t… need to… well… poop… do you general?
…is that?.. is that my mom? Were’s mom?
…mom… I … I dunno…
theres… theres like this little chicken…
chicken… ‘little’… hes just… like…
hes little, right? Ok, well, there is like… like this chicken?
Mom?.. I don’t understand anymore!
… 
My signature is a quote from Curb Your Enthusiasm… lmao, blad turd… hilarious.
=)
3:56am, holy poo, I need to sleep.
I just can’t seem to curb my enthusiams enough to sleep though.
Did you see that one were the bald turd got the water thrown at him at the chinese food resuraunt?
REEESTEREAUUUOONT!!!11!
LIEK TEH RESTRNT RITE?
k liek drs dis restrnt n liek omfg lol ok rite so liek
thrs liek this n00b n hes “BANG BAGN, MANG!”
n det drs liek dis guy rite so hes then hes liek
PH33R!!!1
N liek hes got liek dis turd on hiz head rite so liek im just liek
“omfg, n00b!” n den he drov away.
i feel it unfair to deny all of you this!
i must say we did a way better job of this at home with a base ball cap but…
My son has a shirt with the saying,
Sure I am in my own little world but, its OK everyone knows me there.
Humor
I walked out of my bedroom at 5 am this morning an hour late, one of our dogs informed me of this by leaving a pile of poo right where I would step. I cursed and hopped to the kitchen for paper towels to clean my foot at which point it still being dark, I hopped on the tail of one of our cats. I received his displeasure with toothmarks on my ankle, I kept my balance while cursing and made it to the kitchen. I cleaned up foot and poo outside of my door and let the dogs out. I then made a pot of coffee, 15 peacful minutes later I am bundled up on my front porch enjoying my coffee and smoke. Our armadillo runs past with another one of our felines in hot pursuit along with our rat Terrier (who snuck out of the backyard)
chasing the cat I stepped off the porch to holler at the terrier and saw the three coming back at me, LOL the Armadillo was chasing the cat and the dog, they came right at me the cat jumped on me, the dog ran between my legs the armadillo did too, the cat then stuck all of its claws out to leap and pursue ,he used my shoulders as a launching pad. I proceeded to go back inside sit down and laugh my ass off because, it was such a beautiful day. See you can find humor in shit. This did too happen something always happens.
Jesus: This cup, this is the new covenant, sealed with my blood, which is poured for you.
All: Ahhhh
Jesus: Not going ahhh again, Matthew? What ails you this time?
Matthew: Forgive me lord, for I do not understand.
Jesus: Ahhhh
Matthew: No, no, don’t start saying ahh again, I don’t know what you mean.
Saying this bread is your body
Jesus: Ahh
Matthew: No wait, do you mean that metaphorically, or are you saying this bread will literally become your body when I put it in my mouth
Jesus: My poor Matthew, do you not see…Ahhhh
All: Ahhhh
Matthew: NNO! I don’t see, cos sometimes you’re metaphorical and sometimes you’re literal.
Jesus: AAAHH
Matthew: NNNOOO. This strikes me as the kind of question that’s going to cause lots of problems in the future. You can see in the future, you’ll know this very question will cause international wars, sectarian violence and the division of your church. You want all this schism and stuff because it gives you some kind of power trip.
Jesus: The pudding’s arrived
-Lee and Herring - this morning with richard not judy -
Aero
If some of the Christians in the crowd are offended, apologies.
I hate intolerant people don’t you?
I think all intolerant people should be put against a wall and shot.
If you are from the west or eat Mexican food you probably know what a Chimichanga is for the benifit of those who might not it is a deep fried burrito basiclly.
I live now in the deep south of USA, Mississippi and in the country too boot.
Many jokes about southerners and slowness have been tossed around many years. Along with Blonde jokes.
Here is the Humor Warning it is not PC and has stereotyping
This is all true.
I walk in to our closest convienence store after picking upwhat I wanted I go to the counter to pay, I notice they had Chimichangas for sale. I said to the blonde lady Let me have one of those Chimichangas Please. she looked at me blankly I pointed to the item. She said " That ain’t no chimi whatsit, its a Boe -ree- toe. I smiled and explained that in Mexican food it is a chimichanga. the Lady who is older then I by about a decade looked at me like I was just the dumbest thing to walk the earth. Shook her head and said, “Honey I know what it is , it is a Boe-ree-toe, we are the ones who fry our food. I just paid and left trying not to bust out with laughter. I was firmly put in my place about Southern cooking.
5 days later we had some fresh berries I had picked, I wanted some whipped topping to go on them, So I go down to the same store. The same lady is attending the counter. I search for any type of whipped cream ,Frozen, liquid, can , powdered , None could I find, I thought perhaps I was just not seeing it. I aproached the lady and inquired about whipped cream for my berries. She smiled and told me that some very good cream to put on my berries was right next to the coffee and sugar, I walked to the aisle and looked next to the coffee and sugar, I saw coffee creamer, I just stood there debating if this lady was yanking my chain or not. I took the chance, I held it up ,showed it to her, watching her face very closely, " yea honeee that there is it ,I use that all the time, it is for berries, its guud too, I just smiled set it down ,desperately grasping at anything but, laughter,to come in my head, I just grabbed a big box of vanilla pudding and walked to the counter as straight faced as possible. I told her I remembered my husband loves vanilla pudding and berries. After I made the purchase I walked to my car got in, closed the door, put my head against the wheel and started laughing, My son was in the car and asked me what I was laughing at, the only thing I could say was the Boe-ree-toe lady struck again, and laughed. It took a few minutes to gain control.
Wait she is not done yet
A couple weeks later a stray orange kitten was wandering around the store parking lot crying, I inquired within about the kitten, the lady was behind the counter and a guy, plus several customers, they explained no one had been able to catch that one, the other kittens that got dumped were picked up by various people and taken to their homes. Along with my purchases I bought a can of cat food, I said well let me give it a shot, I walked out convinced the little guy to come to me, and put him in the car. It took 3 minutes tops. I walked back in and asked for a bag to cover the food, the guy said “you giving up?” as he handed me the bag. I said “no he is in the car.” The lady looked totally surprised and said” How did you do that? Even the Veet-na-meeese couln’t catch it." I was soooo tempted to ask what that meant but I was too afraid the answer would make me bust into uncontrolable laughter. I just smiled took the bag, thanked them and said I am good with animals. I had to walk out fast The giggles were bubbling up. The Boe-ree-toe lady struck again.
The punch line to all of this is the store’s name which just makes even more funny; Two Crackers. BTW that is the kitten’s name ; Cracker, just had to name him that.
Okay, so there’s a GI and a Marine that go into a bar on thier time off. The GI is new to the camp and can’t seem to get a date while the marine is getting girls to come home with him every night.
So one day the GI asks the marine. “Hey, how do you get all these girls to go home with you?”
“Its simple watch.” The marine says. He take a feather out of his shirt and goes up to a girl he asks her: “Tickle your butt with a feather?”
To which the confused girl replies. “What?”
Before she can put the statment together the marine says: “Fine weather we’re having.”
The girl nods and goes back to her drink.
The marine repeats this process until he finds a blonde in a low-cut dress. He says: “Tickle your butt with a feather?”
She says: “Sure.”
The marine takes an extra feather out of his shirt and gives it to the GI. “Try it.”
The GI nods and the marine and the blonde go off together.
The GI dicides to use the marine’s advice and goes up to another girl. Clumsily he screams: “STICK A FEATHER IN YOUR ASS?”
“What?” Asks the shoked girl.
“ITS RAINING OUTSIDE BITCH!”