The Cows

I’ve been thinking of making a Hitchcock-inspired movie called The Cows because I’ve realised just how scary they are. Yesterday I went for an early evening stroll up the hill into the countryside (I live on the edge of a small town, I’m 10 minutes from the centre, 10 minutes from pure countryside) to get some air, some light and with the intention of smoking a cigarette that never manifested.

I rose maybe a hundred feet over a half mile or so, and came to bench that seemed as good a place as any to stop and examine the stones in my shoe. Some cows down the road were being subjected to a forced relocation to another field (call Amnesty!) and were therefore wandering in a steady queue up the hill. I watched them for a moment, captivated by their slow progress and swaying physiques. One cow noticed me. This is when the whole world started changing. The cow sniffed a bit, blowing out some steam despite it being a warm evening. It then looked around as though it feared ambush. The queue had ground to a halt, 6 or 7 cows now grouped together wandering what all the hullabaloo was about, followed by a car noisily revving its engine. The head cow came up close, within 2 feet of me. It seemed genuinely irate and willing to attack if necessary. I waved my hand briskly and and told it to bugger off. It showed unprecedented agility in fulfilling my command.

A few moments later the same thing happened, one cow stopped so a bunch of them stopped to try and understand the brouhaha. I realised that if I ignored the cows, fixing my gaze on a plane making trails in the sky like a maths teacher’s chalk on a blackboard, that they would proceed without conflict.

At a break in their number I decided to nip a few yards further up the road and go and sit in a field and attempt to read a book. It was no more than 30 seconds before the wall at the edge of the field was populated with cows. One even tried to negotiate the stile over which I myself had gained access to the field. I fled to the other side of the field, some 100 yards away and over a hump in the ground, and watched surreptitiously as the cows grew bored of tormenting me and left.

Incidentally, on the news last night there was a story about the deputy Mayor of Swindon who has resigned over allegations that he said that heavily disabled children should be guillotined. Political incorrectness gone mad.

Can cows sense evil?

Are you trying to imply I am evil, sweetcheeks?

someone you need to relax, really.

no cow in the history of cowness (which is about as long as the history of humanity) ever attacked anything above a haysack. you’re not a haysack are you ? (hmmm)

they get curious occasionally, just like kids today tend to belive milk comes from “the store” just so cows have kind of lost their connection with their purpose.

you could have let her lick you, they love the salt.

I wasn’t being entirely serious in my telling of the tale, but you are right, I do need to relax. I might smoke another cigaratte. Yeah, that’ll help…

I believe I’m not a haysack, but then again so did Descartes and he was wrong about nearly everything.

Plenty of cows attack things - haven’t you ever heard of Spain? It’s a small country to the south of France that pretends it’s poorer than it is and gets lots of EU subsidies. Indirectly the taxes on my tobacco go to pay for Real Madrid’s purchase of Brazilian starlet Robinho. Small world. In Spain they have an ongoing war with cows which culminates in the annual El encierro, a sort of open urban warfare between man and cow (or bull, if you insist). So don’t give me that ‘no cow ever attacked a human’ crap…

Perhaps so. I know the cows were just being curious, but tell me, if a tiger were just being curious and crawling around in your back garden would you be so blase about it?

I have enough animals to lick me at present, though should a vacancy come up in the future I’ll give your suggestion some serious thought.

ah yes, and the annual running through the streets of pamplona avoiding the dreaded udder slaps…

vicious cows…

bulls on the other hand…

gratuitous cow tipping…



I cannot believe anyone else has ever heard of this! :laughing:

everyone did bessy

someone, i nearly fell out of the chair laughing. what, exactly, in the demeanor of peacefull cottage cows suggested a tiger ?

An animals curisoity is not always so innocent… sharks rarely ever approach humans with the inention of killing… infact they are just curious, turns out their way of investigating curious objects is to stroke them with their teeth… which obviously cuts the human and then the human struggles so the shark gets a grip on them.

I can understand your fear of cows… me and my friend were once on a country walk, we stumbled into an apparently empty field, we stepped round the corner and right ifront of us was a whole field full of cows. They all stared at once and my friend said “Lets go back…” and i was like “No their only cows… its not ar across the field.” So we began to cross when a cow walked forward blocking the gate asif on purpose. It started kicking its legs back and it made one giant mooing crazy cow noise and started blowing steam. My friend shat himself and legged it to a different fence and jumped into a really brambly bush. I just stood still till the cow moved from the gate and i ran as fast as could to the gate and hooped over it as the cow chased me. Now everytime i see a cow i am suspicious…

I too know of cow-tipping. It works, too.

A tiger… I’m not sure. Contrasting marking on the hide, perhaps. Loud snorting sounding not all together like a growl? I dunno.

it’s a cow for pete’s sake. you eat them !

go out there and prove it :smiley:

Have you ever seen the episode of the Simpsons where Homer accidentally gets into a duel with a Texan and flees to the countryside to the ‘old Simpson farm’ where he grows Tomacco? If you have, you’ll understand my fears.

The cows I eat are usually dead and split up into manageable chunks. There’s a difference.

Cow tipping:

I thought it was an obscure activity of the frat boys among us. Call me crazy.


you should only eat what you hunt…

Not funny, but I’ll take it. :smiley: