The wordplay in this is insanse and there is tons of it so please pay close attention because if you do you will appreciate this piece even more.
bitch colder then metal, heart sold to the devil
selling coke’s like riding a bike, so she’s open to peddle
been broken forever, but now has chosen to settle
not very brave, but in every way, bolder then pebbles
speaking of rocks, Miss Gold Digger’s always seeking some cocks
slut’s like Rodney King except its HER beating the cops
still though, to her a dildo, isn’t even a prop
will blow, for her to get dough, and she’s easily got
i abuse her in the bed, cause she’s cuter when she’s dead
some nights, i use a knife, or start bruisin her instead
soothes me in the end, till it ensues that i’m a threat
and my barrel with metal arrows shoots cupid in the head
doc says she’ll kick the bucket when her flesh is pailer
wears her heart on her sleeve…she needs a better tailor
if she’s a cross between God and sex, i’ll forever nail her
cause her American pi- rates 10, said a sailor
should cop a patch on her eye, for all that hasslin wit guys
cuming on her face, then wiping the slack on her thighs
moves the stick shift well, loves to grab it an ride
period…but that’s only if her pad is in right
and her hands don’t get red like what happened to Christ
don’t bruise the property, hit her and you’ll damage the price
I heard her last words, before she managed to die
she pulled me close and said “you were the best man of my lifeâ€
please tell me if you enjoyed it i really do appreciate any and all comments. Thank you and have a nice day.
First off, i am completley anti-commercial rap. In other words i absoluetly hate and despise “ganster” materialistic rap.
This piece was not mysoginistic in any way. It based on a true story and is about a girl who led a reckless life untill she eventually died. God are you that dense?
Honestly you fucking idiot this piece wasnt ghetto at all. I displayed a multi syllable rhyme scheme, clever wordplay, witty metaphors, you name it.
I never once talked about “the hood” or “the bitches and hoes” and no where in my work did i EVER mention money. Nor cars.
Fuck this really pisses me off because this is clearly MUCH different from commercial rap music. At least to anyone with half a brain. Seriously, compare this with any mainstream rap song. Better yet, compare it to any rap song period. The content alone is unique and for further more the lyricsism.
I’m not trying to be an ass and thank you for leaving feed back, but please do not give bullshit comments that dont make ANY sense at all. I respect opinions that have some sense. But saying that this is just like or even REMOTLEY similar to main stream rap is a ridiculous statment. Utterly retarded.
okay fine, its a little harsh on content but it has a purpose. It’s about a fucking slut. Big deal. This world has sluts, why not write about them? It’s not as if i am generalizing all women in this manner for christ sakes. My God people look deeper than the surface and you with see the true meaning!
fuck, for goodness sake emos are mysoginistic (spelling) all the time but just in a subtle manner where it just seems like the’re crying about some chick who left them.
If you can’t take the heat stay out of th kitchen. This shit isnt for babies. The lyrics are EXTREMLEY deep if the lot of you had half the brain to analyze them. For goodness sakes people use your minds.
Also, i must say sorry if i have over reacted. I usually get good feed on most of my stuff and either way take offense when i feel negative feed isnt constructive. I dont mean to be an ass but i feel like this piece was very missunderstood.
I’m sorry, but I lost interest after the first 5 lines. I found myself paying too much attention to the rhyme-scheme and the meter, while the content did little to inspire interest let alone maintain it. The best rhyming poems don’t call attention to the “cleverness” of their rhymes.
Powdered Water - your reply to a poem that UGM posted “A Stroll Thru Central Park” asking where was the rhyme in his poem only commentts on how limited is your scope of what qualifies for poetry. Not all poems have to rhyme. If rhyming is the only measuring stick you use in determining whether a poem is good or bad, then I feel sorry for you. What makes a poem great, average or attrocious has to do with its rhyme-scheme, meter and intricate word-play about as much as gnomes have to do with the refrigerator light turning on and off when you open and close the door - translation: nada; zip; zilch; zero. The only reason poems ever rhymed is because in pure/uncorrupted languages, the majority of words in common use rhymed; therefore, the rhymes were not forced. Modern English, on the other hand is a mutt language --literally a child of many mothers-- with all kinds of overlapping paradoxical spelling, grammatical, syntax and usage rules that’ve made a situation where it’s harder and harder to write rhyming poetry where the rhyme is natural and organic not forced and superficial. Only the most skilled poets can pull off a rhyming poem that doesn’t come off forced, otherwise most rhyming poetry written today comes off sounding amateur and juvenile at the very least and pompous and unsufferable at the most. Perhaps if I were to suspend my initial disinterest in the first several lines of this poem, I might try approaching it with a fresh perspective and read it thru to its entirety to see if there’s something within its text to redeem it. The wordt thing you could do when presenting a poem you want others to read is brag about how clever your rhyme, meter and word-play are. By shamelessly advertising something so needless as your rhyme prowess, you only make the reader have to pay attention to something they should have to pay attentioin to the least. I’m not telling you you shouldn’t write rhyming poetry, only that you shouldn’t call attention to it whether in the writing of it or --especially-- overtly talking it up before anyone has actually read it.
Well thanks a lot lengthheighwidth. I respect your honest opinion.
However, you said that if i believe all poems should rhyme then you feel sorry for me…well duh poems dont have to rhyme but it does in all honesty provide a little bit more satisfaction when they have SOME kind of rhyme scheme. In stead of just sounding like a random conversation or monolouge.
Also, it is not hard AT ALL to write poems that rhyme. It’s quite simple actually. When i write i usually write in multi syllabic form, rhyming 4 to 5 syllabs at a time. Pretty complex.
It’s cool if you didint like it. My drops arn’t for everyone.
I got so irritated at the “just like the countless gangster and mysoginistic songs” comment because that is so not true. At first glance or to the untrained ear it may seem so. But it really isnt the case.
Sorry if i seemed like an ass everyone. I apologize.
Also man, wordplay is DEFINETLY an aspect of poetry. Saying it isnt is like saying the kkk isn’t racist.
Its the same for metaphors, alliteration, metonomy, ect.
Rhyming pieces also do not come off “juvinille” when they are executed correctly. In othger words with a clever rhyme scheme and multi syllabic delivery.
I never said, nor had I intended for it to be implied, that I thought rhyme, meter, metaphors, alliteration, metonomy, etc. were not a part of poetry. Even though the vast majority of the poetry I write is in free-verse, I do occasionally write rhyming and complexly-structured poetry. I do, however, prefer to write non-rhyming poetry, but sometimes my free-verse poetry will have a loose structure to it; for example, a repeated line or repeated line that’s reworded slightly in every repetition so as to alter the meaning and tone from stanza to stanza. Assuming you read my entire reply, you would have read that I said that the worst thing that one can do when writing and seeking feedback on rhyming poetry is call attention to the rhyme-scheme, meter and structure of the poetry. The last thing a readership wants is to have their intelligence insulted by being told what to expect from or what to look for in a poem before they’ve actually read it. It’s especially not a good idea to sledgehammer people over the head with the fact that you’ve written a rhyming poem and, on top of that, to ask them to pay attention to the cleverness of the rhyme-scheme and wordplay. The best rhyming, metered and structured poetry has strong compelling content first and foremost and the cleverness of the rhyme-scheme, wordplay, metaphor, et.al. are just tools used to support the strength of the content. A poem that is merely about the cleverness of its rhyme, meter and structure ahead of the strength of its content is not terribly compelling and is off-putting at the worst. Would you want a film-maker to show up in the movie at critical points of the film and tell you how clever he was with his scene-sequence, unorthodox cinematography, interesting use of scenery and witty dialog before you had a chance to discover these things on your own? As another anology to bring my point across, think of a magician doing his tricks and showing you how the trick is done as he’s actually doing the trick for the first time. It kind of ruins the magic, doesn’t it? If rhyming is natural for you when writing poetry, then I salute you. All I was saying is that, based on what you said in a reply to UGM’s poem, it appeared you thought the only good poetry is poetry that rhymes, and I just wanted to say that this supposition is anything but true. Some of the best poetry that has ever been written hasn’t a lick of rhyme, meter and strict structure in it whatsoever. Any great poem can have intriguing wordplay, metaphor, alliteration, allusion, while not having a srtict rhyme-scheme, meter or structureSome poets prefer not to rhyme, because we no longer live in a time when people rhyme in their day-to-day speech.
Nels.
ps:Just to clarify, I was not among the members who mentioned the gangsta rap tone of your poem b/c, I frankly didn’t have the wherewithall or patience to read the entirety of your poem after reading only the first several lines b/c I found I was paying too close attention to the rhyme-scheme, wordplay and structure of your poem while the content did little to compell me to continue reading. Tell you what, I will give it a second objective look in the hopes that there might be something I missed that might redeem its weak beginning. The thing about writing is that no matter how strong a middle or finish a piece of writing has, it does little to repair a weak beginning.
Well thank you Lenghwidthheight. I appreciate your post.
It’s fine if you dont enjoy it BUT I would however appreciate it if YOU would comment on my next piece which i will drop soon. Since i can see that you have a pretty “accurate” and “construuctive” opinion i would like to hear it.
Didnt mean to cause a ruckus. No hard feelings to everyone.
by the way you are very right about content over cleverness. That’s something i sometimes forget to remember and i guess it was demonstrated in this piece.
Never was a thug,
Just infatuated with books;
Never touched a drug
Till I knew that the path that it took.
To get the view of perspective,
Bird’s eye elective,
Took the illusion of self
And kept shit respective.
To get the rep of a 'spiracy
A con man – what you see
Slowly clear the rubble
and the media debris.
I’m not just saying to do what I say
Or to see what I do
Just to look inside and see what
Stirs deep inside of you
Insanity is true
From this view if you chew
Bias that you brew and brew
For violent debut
Listen to the hum from your screen
Listen to the sound of my pen
as I write once again
on this site owned by Ben
Never seen is the boy
Who ticks on the clock
Never seen is the man
Who put the tick in the tock
Listen to the sound of my heart
Till it stops
Cop a feel of the sound of my soul
In adversity
Till I rise, and shine bright,
All forms of diversity
A living beacon to sound off
all forms of uncertainty
