The dependancy of having others tell you you are worthwhile?

i figure if there is truly a human dependancy or need of being complimented and encouraged by others,we are all in danger. society has develpoed this machoistic attitude,and being kind percived as some kind of weakness?

i figure people are so wieghed down with all the problems this life brings that they just arent happy enough to be nice to others any more/enough.

I’ve been wondering if there is a way to bypass this need, like why dont you feel that good when you compliment yourself? why would not our own praise be enough for ourself? now we need testimonials from others?

also i will never feel right about hugging a man,but where did that come from? i dont see any problem with women hugging. at first i blamed gay culture for it, but now talking to dan~,i’m not sure who or what to blame for this. as a kid, hugging anyone wasnt a problem. when kids do it,it’s viewed as sweet. now i’m 24, w.t.h. do i do?

also,what if we cant get out and associate with people? why does family alone not seem to be enough?

i’d love to take dr.i-dont-give-a-shit’s precription,but i cant. i dont mentally have the power to suddenly not give a damn about everything. but in this cold world, it seems the only solution.

i dont doubt that people you meet in a town/city might greet you,but…i wonder whats missing?

Well, I think it is a few things:

  1. The “it-always-rains-on-my-birthday” phenomenon. People remember bad things much longer than they remember good things that happen to them. I could look up the psychology papers on it, but I have both read that before and observed it with my own eyes. I’d argue that people do appreciate other people, but people often forget these moments.

  2. Men can’t hug other men because of cultural concerns. I’d largely blame homophobia for this one, but it goes deeper than that. In American culture any close relationship between men is extremely frowned upon – look at how most men relate to one another: through the elegant use of put-downs, subtle physical jabs, ect. Not a bad thing, but it is by-and-large the accepted medium for man-to-man communication.

  3. Individuality. By acknowledging what another person means to you, you cede a portion of yourself to them. Given the premium this society places on the individual any loss of individuality is viewed as a weakness.

all of this is painfully true,i feel like flinching at it in my chair… :astonished:

relying on others for self assurance, to make your self feel good and or important etc etc is for the retarded… you got problems if thats the case though…

even though id prefer to go without it can be nice to get a hug every now n then etc… got a mom ? got a girl friend ? got a councler ? lol

not that i do this either but if it is ok under critical thought, then dr i dont give a shits path can be quite fun and amusing but it seems society views controlls your emotions and they got you on a leash.

and the answer(to the “problems”) issss…? it is not just me. i want to know if all people need support from others this way or not.

i feel my concern for male hugging is very valid.

i’m talking confirmed(or unconfirmed in my mind) human needs here.social conformism can go to hell. it makes one an easy target for vile propaganda.

what is your answer to this? do you need support from others or have you found a way to be emotionally self-sufficient?

No need for that.

What you have is terminal worry syndrom. You worry all the time about acceptance. You worry that you have no self esteem. You worry about your underwear being clean enough for when that bus hits you and they tear off your pants in the emergency room.

You need to get this worrying thing under control, then you will not worry about yourself, you will be yourself automatically, with no worries.

Take 5 minutes a day, like when you first wake up and are just lying there in bed wondering if its worth getting up, address all your worries one by one. Those you can do something about that day, make a plan and do it. Leave everything else for tomorrow.

I will give you a no questions asked money back guarantee.
Try to get that from a psychiatrist.

Thank you.That was good advice.

It’s all a very complicated issue,and as the mind is always changing,right now i cannot even identify a(the?) problem.

But,one of the reasons i asked this is a few days ago,it felt good to be alive. Why? i havent had that feeling in …since i cant remember when.
Mostly because as my mind is now,i cannot derive pleasure from anything.Well it’s hard to describe and not 100% true but…

I felt it may have had something to with my being valued at ILP. though i had never confirmed this.i feel me being valued is important to me.

I must admit being quite mentally hazed while writing this,so i must put a disclaimer on it’s complete accuracy.

The reason why people seem to “need” others for self-worth affirmations – is because they were trained [from day one] to determinte their own value based upon the opinions of others.

Mind conditioning.

drift, i totally understand. i’m not even remotely homophobic but i don’t like to hug. it may just be that for you. do you hug women all that often either? i don’t generally hug anyone, so it might not be homophobia at all.

what you mean like parenting?disaplin? that seems exactly on.
but if no one ever demanded anything of you or loved,would that eliminate the need for love?

i dont hug anymore at all. though i have been hugged and i dont mind at all.
i always thought it was american culture that did it(or homophobia).Or both somehow…

it only seems acceptable for kids to hug now,according to culture.(even that would seem subject to childish ridicule)

i’ve noticed other cultures like,what, ukrainian where kissing someone’s cheek (sometimes both) was acceptable. maybe others have varyations of this too. that goes way beyond hugging in my mind. i wonder how cultures like that would deal with homophobia…

They don’t, homophobia does not exist in these peoples minds so it is not an issue.

You have to understand that homophobia is a relatively new phenomenon in human interaction. For most cultures throughout the world and throughout history, homosexuals have always been a part of the culture, perhaps not totally accepted, but at least tolerated,

It is only through christian misisonaries that homosexuality has become anathema, a very recent phenomeonon.

Men can hug other men. I hug some other men. Just get over yourself and do it.

About hugging, thats indeed an American phonemonon.
Even in Israel men have usually no problem hugging other men,and Israel is very influnced by America.
Many jewish immigrants from north Africa kiss each other on the cheeks.

Now about the approval thing. I’m pretty sure this is not a cultural thing. Its inborn. I’m sure people always needed approval from others. This is how society works. The more charismatic/leader you are, the less approval you need. The more shy and stupid are you, the more approval.

The reason for wanting approval is very simple. When you are getting negative feedback from other people, it can damage your career, and even more importantly your relations with women. For example if you have been picked on in school, you probably didn’t have a g/f either, since girls are not attracted to losers.

But if you are a charismatic person, you’d usually get a positive feedback from other people, and won’t need approval that much, because even if you don’t get it you know its temporary.

I don’t think we can condition ourselves not to care about what others think of us. Unless you manage to become a person who gets only good feedbacks, you won’t be able not to care. If you do manage to get consistently good feedbacks, you’ll get so accustomed to that, that negative feedbacks won’t affect you.

But getting good feedbacks is what everyone wants, and only few get. So most of us need approval, some more than others.

The secret is not show anyone that you need approval, even tho you do. This is especially necessary with women, because they are never attracted to wussies seeking approval of others.

Love invokes a sense of security.
Insecurity demands love.
Security is a complex issue.

More about cause and effect here:

ilovephilosophy.com/phpbb/vi … p?t=152225

At present, not even one person has read it.

Strange how “yourself” has to “get over” “itself”, even though a rock jumping over itself is physically impossible…

But I suppose the “individual” is always a multifarious composite?

You might also suppose that an individual may use a figure of speech, Dan~.

Or not.

Figures of speech originate within thought-methodologies. :sunglasses:

But not necessarily those of the speaker. Everyday figures of speech communcate small points to everyone but those who overthink them. That’s my point. Drift is overthinking this.

It was only a matter of time antil I started up a critic of the entire mentality of my nation.

This time, we should load our rifles with truth-syrum, and aim for head-shots.

Lo and behold, the human mouth is not a sex-organ, and neither are the hands. Or should you put a pair of shorts over your face, and wear 2 gloves at all times?? :laughing:

Yes, kissing and touching should be desexualized completely.

I want to bring death to both the victorian and the consumerist-sensationalist versions of sexuality, gunning down Walt Disney’s chivalry and barbie’s plastic-ass on my way towards capital city.

Who’s with me?! :laughing: