be prepared for a roundabout babbling that gets to a point.
i’ve been asking myself what i want for a long time… i never give a straight answer. the main reason that i’m disappointed with what i’m doing now is that i don’t feel engaged. don’t misconstrue, i enjoy being an investment representative, i like helping people plan for retirement… but it’s like pulling teeth most of the time. i’m seen as the big bad salesman that only wants everyone’s money.
if i ask myself question “what do i want?”, the response that i invariably give is that i’m pursuing work that is engaging, rewarding, has some economic perks, and helps me to appreciate and enjoy life. there are many things that i like doing, many things that would like to do, and many things that i haven’t even considered, and if i continue working the crap jobs that i keep seeing, i’ll spend more time hating life than loving it.
as it stands, my employment is 1099 work and most people are too scared to do anything, so i maintain a part-time night audit job for guaranteed income. the night-audit fits the bill for the perfect job in every aspect except money. i have an average of four hours per night of down-time when i can read, write, converse with people, anything, as long as my duties are fulfilled. i started delivering pizza for a couple of short shifts per week (i did that while pursuing my AAS degree), and that job is great because i get payed to drive around and listen to public radio, lectures, whatever. the biggest problem with these jobs is the lack of money, i can’t afford to go anywhere (bike across germany? not happening), my diet is pretty basic, my investments are lagging because i can’t afford to fund them, etc. my epicurean desires are suffering, which means my life is just a few notches above meaningless (the down-side of leaning heavily toward hedonism).
hmm, this is really turning into a mild-mannered rant.
in a nutshell, i’ve discovered the best way out of my predicament: relocation. it seems like the stereotypical “pie in the sky” dream that many people think will help them, when all they end up doing is spending a large sum of money to go be miserable somewhere else. fargo, nd has NOTHING to offer young people. i can’t even keep track of all the people i’ve met that have BA/BS degrees or better that are working $7-10/hr jobs without any benefits because they can’t get anything better. our education has become a double-edged sword. they (yes, the amorphous “they”) won’t hire us for upper or mid-level positions because we lack experience, and we can’t get entry-level positions to gain experience because they’re afraid that we’ll leave soon after starting.
by moving elsewhere, i could find better work (the work i find would determine where i go) and potentially get closer to more opportunities for more enjoyment. what’s stopping the emigration? that’s right, $$$.
now that i’ve finally written this, it seems i’ve created a catch 22 for myself: i want to leave here because i lack funds, i’m not leaving because i lack funds, and if i had funds… would i still want to leave?
my mother is in a well-established position and doesn’t plan on going elsewhere, my grandparents are also here with intent to stay here, so i’ve got a couple of important reasons to stay. suggesting that i need to “let go of the apron-strings” seems a little inaccurate because that’s just the way we italians function. lastly, getting into a well-respected school (for law or philosophy) will require me to relocate temporarily, and maybe that will be just what it takes to convince me to follow my interests in a new locale.
clear?