The First Annual ILP Gathering (Short Story)

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

The First Annual ILP Gathering 

“Old Gobbo” was the name all and sundry had known him by on his much loved Philosophy forum.  Taking off his temperate taupe coat, he proceeded to the hotel with  keenness to finally meet his beloved online intellects; who, up to that point, had remained cunningly obscure under the masquerade of wily handles and sardonic avatars.  He was fervent to convene with his enigmatic friends as he tottered toward the lobby and began to enter the bar.  Just in front was a sign-up table with a young woman passing out name tags for everyone to wear.  OG recognized her somber face.  “Lenore?”, he asked.  

She smiled, “Yes. Old Gobbo right?”

“Yes, well you can call me David, that’s my real name.  Nice to meet you.”

“You too.  Well, I’m just going to put OG on your name tag and then you can introduce yourself to folks.”

“O.K., thanks.”

“Enjoy yourself.”

OG entered the bar and was surrounded by the decipherable strangers he had known for so many years.  Toward the right of the room he could see Embracetrees- it was indisputably her. Her wine-colored hair and side swept bangs stood out amongst the swarm.  She saw him right away and breathlessly screamed, “OG!”, as she rushed over to hug him.

“Embracetrees, right?”

“Yes.”, she laughed nervously.  “Hey, come over and meet SIATD.”

SIATD was a forum staff member.  He was known for his disparaging drollness, long flaxen hair and hippy-like beard.  OG was bewildered to see the SIATD that stood before him.  He had become a clean cut and affluent London industry man and had traded in his long locks for a black suit and alligator skin shoes.  Next to him stood Tab, the congenial and sympathetic forumer who decided to join the gathering for a curt while, seeing as how he was in town on business.  Behind them, Liquidangel was decreeing her goddess power; whilst on top of a black baby grand piano, gorgeous Bessy sat in a long ruby satin evening gown, crooning to Peter Kropotkin with her alluring voice.  Over at  the bar sat James No. 2, the most acute intellectual of the group, drowning his liver in Guinness.  A jovial fellow, he was content with chatting up whoever wished to speak with him, though philosophical quandaries were usually avoided, owing to the fact that his esoteric arguments surpassed everyone else's understanding beyond their limits of aggravation.  As it was, he was having a rambunctious time playing a word association game with Thirst4Metal and LivingDeadGirl.  Fortuitously, none of them were sober enough to realize they had been repeating the same word-"bunions"- for the last three minutes. Finally, as usual, Ben was behind the scenes making sure everything was running well.

SIATD approached OG, “OG, old boy!”, they embraced.  “Glad you could make it.”

“Yes it is good to see you OG!”, Tab exclaimed animatedly.

OG blushed.  The assembly happily began to chatter with one another recounting favorite posts and past years spent mocking the worst and finest that their forum had to offer.  

Tab asked, “Has anyone seen PhilosophyGirl anywhere?  I saw that she signed in at the front table but I haven’t seen her.  I’m curious to see if her intelligence surpasses that of  my seven-year-old.”

They chuckled. SIATD chimed in, “Don’t bet on it.  She’s probably in the Ladies toilet trying to pull staples out of her fingers.”

The night spun on with camaraderie and wit.  Some were discussing Heidegger and Sartre whilst others favored to swig pints and guffaw the night away. 

 Without warning, the light in the room began to flicker.  Most were too busy to notice and went about their merry conversations.  The light flickered again…and finally, the light went out.  There was a sound of a bellow and then a thump on the floor.  The lights came back up.  Embracetrees shrieked with revulsion as she saw a man collapsed face down on the floor.  He was middle-aged, balding and slightly plump.  Scarlet blood began to run down his otherwise pristine gray suit.  

Tab hurried over to feel his pulse, his face slowly turned pallid.  “He’s dead.”

The voraciously stunning forumer Shyster had just sauntered into the doorway with a look of culpability on her face, as everyone turned their stare toward her.  Her lips began to quiver with consternation. 

 Embracetrees cried out, “How could you Shyster!”, she buckled in OG’s arms who tried to compose her mental strain.  

Shyster was in indignation, “This is none of your business! ”

Tab staunchly stepped forward, “Shyster, have you lost your mind?”

“I will not be put to shame for this!  I’m leaving!”

Tab grabbed her by the arm, “Oh no you’re not!”

“Why not!”

“Why not?  Because you killed a man!”

“What?  I did not!”

“Then where were you?”

“I was- I was…”

“You killed him!”

She quickly snapped back, “No I didn’t, I was upstairs in a room with somebody!”

“Who?  Where is he now?”

“I can’t say.”

“Stop lying to us Shyster, the only people here tonight are ILP alumni and everybody is here in this room!”

“He is an ILP alumni!”

“Then where is he?”

Shyster stood trembling, she looked as though she was fruitless.  Tab looked heatedly into her eyes.  Just then, a man ambled into the room and rushed over to Shyster’s side.  Hesitantly, he announced,  “It’s me, Dunamis.”

There were gasps of alarm.  Dunamis had renounced ILP years before, vowing never to have anything to do with the forum ever again.  He grew weary of the mundane babble at ILP, and left for a status to respectably display his philosophical talent.  But his affection for Shyster brought him to the gathering, though he beseeched her never to disclose to anyone of his return.  “She was with me, she had nothing to do with this!”  Shyster began to cry as Dunamis' face mottled with anger.  He stormed out leaving Shyster in tears.

Just then OG yelled out, “Look, there’s a man trying to sneak out the back door!”

OG ran as expeditiously as his nimble legs could take him and successfully tackled the man just before he was able to flee.  The man lay squirming on the floor, trying to break out of OG’s unyielding grasp.  The rest of the ILP gathering hurried over and looked on as Tab facilitated OG in boosting the man off the floorboards.

“Who are you?”, Tab commanded.

“I will not say.”

“Who are you!”

“I will not say!  That is the final word!”

OG and Tab conferred a surreptitious nod to each other.  There was no reservation about it; it was PoR, the narcissistic nazi-sympathizer who was banned from ILP on account of his crude behavior and general offensiveness.  PoR always had the “final word”.

OG pierced a stare into PoR’s shifty glance, “PoR, we know that it’s you.  And we know you killed that man in the other room.”

“I was never in any room!  I just came into this hotel to use the toilet!  I’ve been in there the whole time!  I just got out of there now!  And my name is not PoR!  It’s Fred, Fred Kranger!”

A woman stepped to the fore of the ILP crowd.  Her make-up was torrential, her heels towering and her skirt very undersized.  She had a substantial head of curls that dropped to her waist. Her voice was very high pitched as she exclaimed,  “He’s lying…he wasn’t in the toilet!”

PoR glared wrathfully, “How would you know woman!”

She bit back, “Because I was just in there!  I ‘ve been in there for the last fifteen minutes, completely alone!”

“ I mean the Men’s toilet you daft whore!”, PoR screamed.

“I was in the Men’s toilet you sorry slag!”, the woman retorted.

Tab furrowed his brow, “What do you mean?  Who are you?”

The woman heaved a sigh. Suddenly her voice became much deeper. "Oh bother...", she muttered, throwing off her wig to reveal a very butch cut. "I'm PhilosophyGirl!				           
                                                    
                                    The End
2

Definatley enjoyed that.

=D> =D> :laughing: :laughing:

3

BRILLIANT

4

Glad you enjoyed :slight_smile:

5

:laughing: . . . cute ending. It almost had the feel of an ILP version of Clue.

I got to say though… I did get quite a good chuckle from your delicate prose, as you so cutely described the murder scene, “Scarlet blood began to run down his otherwise pristine gray suit.” The juxtaposition was marvelously comical.

6

I aim to please.

7

=D> Wonderful. I was captivated from beginning to end. :smiley:

8

:stuck_out_tongue:

9

It’s Matt :smiley:

10

…Poetic license :smiley:

11

woah woah woah. am i the only person to notice that alexistentialism is horribly absent from this meeting? o y ye god but y? ah, alas. she is not the travelin’ murderin’ type. but you don’t know. do you?
i certainly don’t. hm. excuse me. i shall sleep instead of ponder the meaninglessly present mysteries of thy inter uni verse.

12

You’ll be in the sequel.

13

hey, who said anything about me?

14

[size=75][Straightens bow-tie - slicks back errant hair][/size]

“Ahh - fame at last.”

Nice one PG. :wink:

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No prob Tab, now would you do something for me and go back to your floating feather avatar and spreading yourself more all over the forum?

16

It’s good to see you got such positive feedback for this story. :slight_smile:

James