Finding irony in the fact that the weakest aspects of self
Are faring well while the rest of you dies
A dwelling eye turns its gaze
Inward
Hopeful and dazed
Trying to find strength where only hate’s left
Finding irony in the fact that the weakest aspects of self
Stay around while the rest of you goes
A dwelling eye turns its gaze
Inward
Hopeful and dazed
Trying to find strength that died long ago.
FLD
I like the brutal honesty of this. But I must ask, is it really hate or just frustration? Is their no forgiveness of self?
I really want to address this question honestly. I can easily say no, and make a good argument, and I can easily say yes, and make a good argument, but the truth is, its wrapped up in timing. Sometimes there is no forgiveness. Sometimes there is. It really is worth looking into more deeply, but there are some places I’m not strong enough to go(Maybe yet). I hate being ambiguous, but I’d rather be candid now than overly optimistic or woeful and gloomy. I’m a firm believer that as humans we are not only conditioned, but wired, programmed to be false with ourselves. Sometimes we can’t even see our own motivations for doing or saying things. Its much harder still to understand why we feel things. To ask these questions is my ultimate aim with knowledge, philosophy, and life, and it is a full time preoccupation. I will admit that I’m optimistic about humanity to the fault that it opens up doors for me to see our depravity with better clarity, and my own. I sort of inherently know this isn’t the kind of response you were looking for, but here it is.
Had you answered any other way I probably wouldn’t be posting back. Your words say that you see what there is to see. Few will ever go this distance much less attempt to set it down in words. As was obvious, (I have no talent for subtlety) my question exposes agenda. There is a certain kind of calmness and abiding anger at the bedrock of self, is there not? It is the conundrum of which we are made. I offer it now, not as a question, but an observation.
To the extent that I do not forgive myself my weaknesses and shortcomings, I cannot forgive others theirs.
To the extent that I do not forgive others, they will not forgive me.
This is not just some clever ruse to say, “Well, I’m only human.” It is the giving up of any pretense of hubris in the deepest and darkest places we can go so that we can say “Well, I’m only human”, but with the clarity of diamond. In forgiveness, we find peace with ourselves and our fellows and what was self-hatred becomes the centerpiece of our humaness.
I’m inclined to pick apart this response. It isn’t because I’m trying to disprove it, but because I’m trying to validate it. I understand what you are saying perfectly. My need to break it down into smaller parts, however, suggests otherwise. Instead of any of that, I’d like to tell a very quick story. It isn’t a true story, but an illustrative one.
I went to an amusement park with my mom. We walked around, and her being too timid to get on any rides, we didn’t. This did not bother me, becase the truth was that I was also scared. I could see each screw in each structure and how the entire structure jostled each time the cars came around, and it made me afraid for the integrity of the ride, and my own safety and hers. So we did not ride the rides, rather, we saw the truth of the amusement park.
I went to an amusement park with friends. We ran around getting on every ride we possibly could, and I did not feel an ounce of fear in doing so. I did not think about the screws, or the integrity, but only that they were confident enough and it made me brave. I did not once consider my own, nor my friends’, safety.
Now, I want to ask a few questions.
In which situation if any did I really exhibit any bravery?
In which situation was I more myself?
Finally, in relating it all back to what I think you meant… going into the darkest place without hubris would be like going to the amusement park, and seeing all the screws and all the weakness of its foundation, and still getting on the rides not because I have to show anyone anything, or even prove anything to myself, but because even the most rickety foundations reach a height and as a human I am bound by my desire to climb every one I can until I reach some type of understanding or die. At least I think this is what you meant…
Or maybe just how I perceive what could be a similar truth between us.
Or maybe I’m way off.
Heh.
At any rate, I agree that it isn’t enough to go to the deeper places with ammunition, and bravado. You have to go to them naked, and defenseless, and only then can you really see the truth about yourself.
Here’s to getting naked,
Sincerely,
FLD.
I can certainly relate to this. I’ve been there. And you would be very surprised how strong you just might be. The hate is just something to hold onto until you are able to find and to know your strength and then you will let go of that hate.
I don’t think you are dead inside - maybe you are just lying dormant. And what happens when the volcano comes alive again. All of that energy - though yours will be positive energy. 
Your strongest point is as strong as your weakest point is weakest - so look how very strong you are but even more so. In other words, as weak as you feel now, you will have much more strength when you are ready.
Hate is an energy just like love is an energy. when you are able to see with love that other energy will be transformed. But when you are ready - it chips away though you may not be aware of it. For some it takes a day and for some many, many more days.
Just remember above all - that you are free and that is not something anyone but yourself can give to you - when you are ready. Until then, don’t forget to and 
yourself into freedom…and it will flow into you.
You ask two questions for which I have only one answer. Both. At some point, the right moment, we cease being as, and just be. It is without introspection. It is that difference between saying “Here I am being alive, with these qualities and attributes.” and just being alive. Too simple? Possibly, but our center, our core, just is without differentiation. It isn’t a popular destination for most. Being naked, especially to ourselves is perhaps the most difficult place we can go, but it is the seat of true freedom.