If I were to die tomorrow, at least I know that my life was interesting…
So I got my heart smashed and broken by this woman I work with during the past several months. I’m just picking up the pieces–when–guess who steps back into my life? Oh yeah, it’s just the Love of my whole life… Life is kind of funny with its little ironies isn’t it?
My friend recently (out of seemingly nowhere) gave me the email address to this woman that I grew up with back in elementary and high school. Her and I were always loose/mutual friends, but we never got close or dated for a billion different reasons. However, I always felt something strange about this one… She’s definitely been a huge part of my life even though she’s never been a part of my life–very weird…
Anyway, I recently emailed her and now her and I are talking together again after years and years. Now, I didn’t realize what I was doing a couple weeks ago when I impulsively emailed her, but now I do. I am going for her. It’s like the full momentum of a freight train and I can’t even begin to stop what I’ve already set in motion. I can see it happening clearly–her I and have already started “the game”. I am in complete disbelief at myself…
Here I am, freshly destroyed by one woman, feeling the true and full power of a broken heart for the first time–and now I am headed straight for the pinnacle of my adult life. I believe I am a quick learner and I better be, because I can feel that my life has been built for the oncoming days. I’m scared as hell! If I fail in this endeavor, there is no going back, ever. How and where should I start… I am already working out the possibilities and I’m playing for keeps this time. I’m playing to win…
I don’t need advice–I have learned my lessons the hard way, the best way (choosing the roads less traveled), and not a moment too soon. So here I am, headed straight for the top, all or nothing. Go big or go home, right? I plan to not lose this time, because I am going to set myself up not to fail. Though, I don’t know what failure is going to look like. I suppose that anything less than being with this woman forever, the love of my life, is going to be a failure. So if that happens, then where does that leave me except empty? I am convinced that there would be no hope for me after this… I would just drift through the rest of my life soulless and devoid of meaning. Therefore, I need to play my cards precise, straight, and with a burning desire to go all in after I set up my game.
Oddly enough, she already seems to want me to win–like she’s urging me forward straight to her–like she wants me to win… Within a few emails she’s directly tried to impress me, gave me her phone number, told me we should get together to catch up on things, wants my advice on her relationship trouble (and admits it’s not going to last with this guy), told me she’s staying in town (after I mentioned I might move), and on and on… Am I so lucky? How could it be possible??? I’m not going to sit on my ass and wonder though; I’m walking forward.
I have no need for ILP advice on this one folks–I’m just telling my (interesting/ironic?) story, which maybe you’ll appreciate since I am quite a weirdo with no life around ILP I bet. This one is on me. And I am so excited, confident, and fearful all at the same time.
I just don’t even know how to feel right now…
Fuck this amusement park, after playing on the merry-go-round–I’m going straight for the biggest ride!!!
P.S. I truly risk to lose everything on this woman, my closest friends and my future, in ways that you wouldn’t possibly imagine… I am so fucking stupid–or smart, time will tell!!!
