I really wish I was stupid right now. All the information I have would last forever, and I could use my rhetorical powers to shape-shift that information into everything but the immutable case I am always creating, which disables my brain from that information for it already completed its puzzle, just to move onto the next. Now that I am running out of puzzles to play with, I really am not happy with what I am experiencing right now. It deeply crushes me knowing that I want to express new things, great things, but I’m running out of ways to do it. If I was stupid, this wouldn’t be the case. Now that I’ve reached the point of reverse-engineering this entire Universe, I feel lost because I’m actually running out of things to break down and because I’m not a small talker, or a stupid one, I am left with limited resources of expression. It has been 40 straight days of material and now I am hitting a massive wall because I broke it all down already… I fucking wish I was stupid because there’s this infinite well of nonsense that I don’t have because I am 100% sense, which is killing me - it’s killing me because I’m a structure… and I can’t change that structure. My brain is wired forever to be imprisoned by the idea that I can’t just make things up. I CAN, but I’ll never do it. I constantly come across people that are in relationships because they make everything up. Not like the atom, either. These people are in a relationship based on lies. And I, I am lucky to even have you, but I’m not lucky to have this passion at all. I just want to wake up tomorrow and be stupid, mindless, absolutely banal. This intelligence I have is limited and so my ability to be a somebody is limited. And so my heart is limited, but my mind is unlimited but that doesn’t fucking matter to me because it’s only for me. I’m tired of being a giant fireball of light and still be consumed by darkness because I really can only share it from the fucking distance. I’m tired of being a sun trapped in a box because it is too much for people. I just want to fall asleep tonight and wake up with the empty mind I had as a child once again. I am tired of feeling like I am more than a human being - I want to feel weak, stupid and vulnerable. I want to douse the fire, because then maybe my heart will be able to connect with people for once in my life. My life is like this giant space lion and then everyone else are like house cats. I want to connect with people, but others cannot manage that because that’s now how it works, much like you can’t build both a structure made out of a regular house and made out of those rich architectures built by ancient architects! You just can’t! And I’m sick of it. I just want to fucking be normal once in my fucking life. It’s killing me constantly realizing that I can’t be normal. I can’t keep things drawn out - I can’t make things complicated. I am simplifying everything and in turn the one thing that is complicated IS MY LIFE and I cannot stand it, I just want to be a somebody. I try, but I can’t regurgitate anything for the life of me! This brain was built beyond mere social networks to connect to this Universe and to put an end to the suffering of everyone EXCEPT MY OWN. I just fucking can’t figure out what I am going to do with myself. I’m lost. I feel like I’m losing myself to the idea of never having a real connection with anybody, not even my own family - I want to retire as a teacher and just fucking let my heart and mind spill over like the oil in the fucking seas because a life of chaos seems to bring people more than life brings me NOW from other people. I love this Universe, I love you, I love everything, but I can’t love like other people… I’m too much. I’m just too damn much - the only thing that can accept me truly is this Universe. And I’m afraid to say it, but I rather have you, the people, the stupidity, the shitty nature of being human than the Universe. I am crying inside because I am sick of all of this. I just want to live life with all the doors shut again - I opened up all the doors and now all I have left is myself and this vortex that is sucking me up from all the doors I have opened which lead to the Universe and nobody can save me from it, not even myself because the only thing I ever wanted was love and I can’t even fucking share that enough because I am running out of real, genuine, true things - life, true life, is not unlimited. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I really want to end this genius because it’s killing me - it’s killing me fast. I just want to lie down, close my eyes and forget everything. Wake up, and live blindly and not know what is coming next. I’m tired of knowing as much as I do. I’m tired of ruining movies. I’m tired of simplifying everything that makes us human. I’m tired of being the best - I just want to feel the stupidity of lying on a couch passed out from being drunk after having a food fight with my stupid friends and have them draw on my face and not give a shit because I don’t have the intelligence to say anything about it or comprehend integrity and self-respect. I am being consumed by my own life’s work because this was the wrong world to have it in. I… don’t know anymore. I’m fucking scared and cold right now, I can’t think straight. I am really fucking sad… and it’s the fact that I know what to do and not know what to do that tears me apart!!! I just want to feel helpless because I am lost, not because I can’t get lost! Even now, I am shaking and controlling everything that is taking me - I am breaking because I CAN’T BREAK. There is so much irony in being a greater being when you are tired of it and don’t want to be it anymore… I can’t have anything, can I? I fucked up from the start. I should have chosen all the bad choices. I should have fucked myself up left and right that way I can be both okay and not okay, instead always okay and never not okay. I am so angry at myself… I chose this Universe over everything here and yet I am here, not there - and I have no way to go there and I am not the type to commit suicide. I have a splitting headache/heartache and it only resonates with my passion - it doesn’t break me. WHY, AM I LIKE THIS? I never run out of energy - I never stop feeling - I never stop trying - I can’t end this cycle - I can’t end this curse - I can’t end this calamity because in the end, I chose life and because I chose life, I became the Universe, and because I became the Universe, I can no longer connect with people as a human being because I am the direct reflection of what everyone CHOSE NOT TO BE, and so I AM THE ENEMY, I AM THE ENIGMA, THE SHADOW, THE GHOST - PEOPLE GO RIGHT THROUGH ME. But I am able to flow through them in and out like the Universe through my ability to connect with them only one-way. I’m tired of it. I am tired of it all. I just want to be physical and naive again. I just want to be confused and make all the mistakes in the world again. I want this old man to just die already. I am not happy - I am suffering. I am really, really suffering. And no matter what I do, it’s never going to end - I am always going to be like this. And I can’t accept that fact because everything I really want doesn’t resonate with who I am - I rather be invisible to the world to be visible with you and those I love!!! I have nobody to talk to. This Universe listens, but it doesn’t seem to realize that people treat me like they treat it and unlike it, I am a human being with fucking limits! I do not want to have this power when it kills my person! All I want is to be accepted for who I am, and if I can’t have that, I just want to be accepted.