Haha. Well played, Tortoise.
The problem, Alex, is that the Bible does not cover Christian mythology. That whole back story is, as far as the Bible goes, is taken to be true or self-evidently true, should you attend to it. Therefore, it doesn’t bother to explain the mythology which precedes the Scripture. Now we’re not talking mythology in the sense of automatically false. I mean mythology in the sense of stories being passed down through the ages. Of course, all mythology is chiefly metaphorical and didactic. Christian mythology should be treated as on par with Greek, Roman, and pagan mythologies. It is no more or less true. With that said, to seek the truth of Christian mythology, we might as well seek the truth of neighboring mythologies, as far as the truth can take us to better understanding these cultures and traditions.
The “serpent,” not necessarily a “snake,” was Lucifer. Lucifer is said to have been offended by God’s [decision] to create Man. Therefore, Lucifer revolted with a third of the Angels of Heaven, thus causing the War of Heaven. However, if we are to assume they actually did revolt and a war did transpire, we have to choose between two outcomes. Why must we do this? It is not reasonable to conclude that the War of the Heavens took place between the fifth and the sixth day; that is, that Lucifer and the angels revolted between the fifth and the seventh day. Lucifer’s tale comes in after creation is done anyway. The Bible does not mention it in the first, “general” creation account, and one would be hard-pressed to argue that the War of the Heavens was not noteworthy information on the book of our salvation. Are we to assume that the entirety of the war is represented or alluded to by the serpent’s/Lucifers action? I think not.
Either Lucifer and the angels were aware of God’s intention to create human beings, or they were not. If they were, then the war transpired long before the creation of man. Possibly even before the creation of the Universe, as the creation accounts leave the angels out. One wonders if the angels were created with heaven, or were they immaterial beings that existed in another, more transcendent realm with God. If they were not [aware], then God was surprised by Lucifer’s actions, thus unable to prevent them. This puts his omnipotence to question, of course. However, we are further forced to take the latter conclusion because God’s omniscience makes it so that no lesser being has access to his knowledge, intentions or will. We would have to assume that the angels were just as intelligence or maintained the same intellectual capacity as God in order for the whole of the war to transpire before the Eden narrative. The Bible does not and cannot answer these questions. It does not sufficiently explain the nature of God’s omnipotence or omniscience to give us details into this whole War of Heaven mythology. It just assumes that it’s true and that we should accept it.
This is chiefly why the Bible itself is an insufficient tool for salvation. It disassociates itself with the whole account of the Universe as far as the early Israelites understood it. It’s an inadequate text, even of its own mythology not to mention inadequate on scientific evidence for its validity.