Over here
This stream is changing
Held by rigid land
I stand
Time running downstream
The outline of a man
Up above
The rain is falling
Around the place I stand
i really appreciated this and heraclitus.
thanks
Very nice piece Gobbo.
thx 
I like it too… (except for the last line 
)
why?
why?
To answer your first “Why?â€
I think there are too many “land†“stand†“man†“stand†rhymes which make it a bit childish.
To answer your second “Why?â€
The theme and phrases are very nice particularly “held by rigid land†(love that)
And “the outline of man†(also excellent)
Then comes “around the place I stand" (I think “around the place†is very plain and “I stand†seems to be thrown in to close the loop with a rhyme.)
I think it would be better if you dropped the rhyming altogether and played with the flow, pace and/or cascading of the phrasing to mimic running water.
Yeah I see what you’re saying, but try to think of it this way…
the rigid land holds the river,
The river flows around the man, in a way avoiding him.
Conversly, the rain falling (creating the river) represents the ‘anti’ we need to define things, that thing being the man we (don’t) see.
Hereclitus was famous for creating phrases that hide many different layers, some only found when spoken outloud, or even the physical effects of having said the words.
Don’t be fooled by the poem’s childlike simplicity.
I don’t have a problem with the meaning, layers of interpretation or simplicity; I have a problem with the rhyming.
I’ve somewhat changed my mind about the last line, Gobbo. It’s not the line itself that bothers me, but the way it predicably links with the rhyming before it.
In other words, if the rhyme pattern were broken, the last line would actually sound good.
Anyway, its your poem so you will always be right. Very nice, all the same
what sound (or better yet… what word) is so forcefully repeated?
It goes with the poem…
sure sure, you can’t step in the same river twice, knowledge is internal dialogue…
but what then… where do we go from there?
This is an interesting dialogue for a couple of reasons.
i think you both are right, but in terms of this site (ilovephilosophy) i also try to push people away from rhyming. too many people do it. so, on principle i agree with the no rhyming.
in terms of the poem’s content, etc., i’ve got no complaints.
but in terms of this site (ilovephilosophy) i also try to push people away from rhyming. too many people do it. so, on principle i agree with the no rhyming.
Can you explain that?
sure,
through my experiences as a writer i’ve come to regard rhyming as a crutch. its not that people can’t use it well,its that most people rhyme because they feel that they need to conform to some sort of poetic format and that rhyming is the only format they know of. i assume that many people who contribute to this site (which could be an ass’s assumption) don’t get much push and feedback in terms of their writing. that is, they don’t often share their writings with real live people who will critique them. i think a lot of people would be better off abandoning the traditional poetic rhyming scheme for at least 10 poems just to experiment and learn about free verse.