The uneven sea

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

“This poem needs some work. Any suggestions? Not that I want anyone to write it for me, but I think it would be interesting to see what some of you think.”

Awake,
lift your head out of peaceful sleep
and see the phantoms of your dreams
realized in morning light transformed

percieve,
when the film, worn to protect ones sight of mind,
like blinders shielding you from passing time
becomes transluscent, and new wonders filtered, for the first time,
through the reticulum of your reborn eyes
are realized truly in the enigmatic affirmation of mystery

decieved,
you are yet with held from apprehension
conduits which were improperly placed
and no longer have the strength nor faith
to find the proper door disolve, and dangerously
approach the state at which they naturally dissipate

It is then one understands
that only now may you begin
in a vast ocean, no sail, no paddle, and no sight of shore.
No closer to the answer of the riddle than you were before.

2

it reminds me of fog…beautiful fog! :smiley:

3

The beginning reminds me too much of one of Jim Morrison’s poems… um:

“Awake
Shake dreams from your hair
My pretty child, my sweet one.
Choose the day and choose the sign of your day
The day’s divinity
First thing you see.”

I like this part, don’t trash it in the revision:

“perceive,
when the film, worn to protect ones sight of mind,
like blinders shielding you from passing time
becomes translucent, and new wonders filtered, for the first time,
through the reticulum of your reborn eyes
are realized truly in the enigmatic affirmation of mystery”

I like it because it’s not as trite as what is to follow, I mean in terms of the reoccurring theme that works it’s way into all of the poetry you write about yourself. You’re very introspective. I like the visual references… ha- might have been funny to have a typo working in your favor if you had entitled it “see” instead of “sea”. I don’t like the last line of this part though because it feels repetitive, phrased badly- it needs work. Ditto for this:

“to find the proper door dissolve, and dangerously
approach the state at which they naturally dissipate”

Additionally, the comma should be after “door” I think.

In my mind this poem bore absolutely no semblance to "beautiful fog"… :unamused: (sigh- I never use these stupid things…)

The end of the poem is so futile- I mean why even “begin” if you’re ill equipped to do anything, lost at sea and not going anywhere!? Why not just throw yourself into the icy water and be done with it?

Lastly, I’m always unfortunately drawn to typos, it’s ironic because I am a horrible speller myself. Especially with poetry, spell check might be a good idea… what was that “I before E except after T”?

Perceive, deceived, dissolve, translucent.

You’ve written much better, but yes, I understand this is a work in progress… keep at it!