The War(Critical Comments Please)

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

Blind collaboration
Useless indignation
Celebrated hatred
Which is easily stated

As they march on
Through the streets
Tanks roll nearby,
People consider it ‘neat’

A Saturday
Saturated with fun
So much that,
You’r overwhelmed by glee

Next day,
Tommorows the war
Not much to do
Except, bore

The celebrating’s over
Now it’s time for prayer
Make sure,
That we’ll be the victors

Today it’s the war
We sail the seas
On this battle ship
Ready to crush our enemies

We are planning
To invade,
Do what we always do
Make some money

Kill a few people
Some of ours,
Some of theirs
This is how

We enrich our economy
Then cover up this man slaughter
And call it ‘freedom’
Forces the thought, Freedom?

What’s that?
Is freedom killing hundreds of thousands of lives?
Is freedom the creator of hundreds of millions of cries
All covered up, using simple lies

The war is now being fought
Many people dying
In this evil
Onslaught

We’ve exposed the resources,
Now i know what to do
We’ll go back to our country,
And celebrate that too!

Please comment critically

thank you

:smiley:

2

u asked for criticism, so here is what i think:

i’m having a hard time figuring out the format (form) for this poem. the rhyming can be inconsistent. sometimes the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme, othertimes its the 3rd and 4th, other times none of them
(e.g.

, etc.
I’ve beent told in the past that consistency is key with rhyming. syllabol counting with rhyming in terms of flow can be important too. you enter into a whole musical/lyrical way of writing that demands being timed with music. or doesn’t. i don’t know.