For Dan~
Disclaimer: This story was pulled out of my ass in the moment it was written. All names and references are used to poke fun at the subject and are not intended to insult or demean a particular belief system.

Dan stood before the cave entrance having finished climbing the steep face of the west side of the mountain. He recalled the locals below calling the towering cliff-like mountain Yesod. Clearly he knew his quest was nearing an end as he took a moment to release a deep breath from his tired body having seen the numbers carved atop the entrance way: 777.

Inside the cave, with only a torch to light the way, traveled in a half circle and then up a ramp; the flooring had been carved to resemble a walk way. Upon reaching the end he came to an expansive room which in the middle stood a small stone block. Upon further inspection, a carved inscription was seen on the top. It was in Latin, but Dan understood it and translated it to say: “Name the seven virtues.”
So he did, and out loud he spoke: “Castitas, Frenum, Liberalitas, Industria, Patientia, Humanitas, Humilitas…”

Suddenly before him the cavern walls shifted and behold an opening formed in front of him. The stone block had disappeared, but he didn’t let that concern him as he pushed on through the new opening; which led to another expansive room. This room was exactly the same as the previous room, except this time the stone block had writing in Arabic, but Dan knew that language as well and it read: “Name the seven truths.”
So he did, and out loud he spoke (translated from Latin): “All is happening within and being controlled by certain cosmic laws; all events and situations have the sole function of provoking our inner learning process; all heroes and leaders are symbols or manifestations of our collective consciousness and that they reflect our own personal human qualities; all love is greater in power than hate and is therefore the solution; all manifestations of war are ultimately defeated by manifestations of peace; all positive visualizations affect any situation with the power of the human spirit; all beings are evolving expressions of one divine consciousness…”
Once more upon finishing the words, the cavern shifted and morphed, forming another opening in front of him. Like before, the block no longer existed, but once more he pressed on to find yet another room the same as the previous two. Once again he found writing on a stone block that had writing in Hebrew, but Dan knew that language as well and it read: “Name the seven letters naming the attribute of God.”
Dan thought about it for a while, and finally began speaking out the letters… one by one, saying: “אור אין סוף (pe, vav, samekh, nun, yod, alef, kaf, vav, alef)”

Upon finishing the last letter, the cavern began glowing in a brilliant white light until Dan could see nothing else, and suddenly, he found himself at the very top of the mountain which was oddly smooth for the surface of a mountain top. He had no use for the torch and set it down upon the flawless stone; but upon doing so, he heard a voice and it spoke to him saying: “Dan, you have done well.”
Dan replied: “God?”
“Yes, I have been watching you, and I am pleased with your devotion.”
“I felt compelled to… what is devotion worth if I was meant to do it?”
“The answer lies within yourself, and it is the number that comes before the number you have thrice-fold encountered.”
“The number that comes before 777? …”
Dan thought about it… and out of inspiration, the answer came to him… “It is the number ONE!”
“Yes Dan, and why is it that number?”
“Because the number 777 could not be conceived or followed through without the presence of one being.”
“Good Dan… and the number one is also the answer to your question.”

Dan thought… “My soul? My soul is worth the devotion?”
“Yes Dan… your soul. Now, you will join with me, and sit upon my left hand from where you will judge the judgments of he who judges the quick and the dead.”
“I will be the one to judge Jesus Christ? Why? Isn’t he perfect?”
“He is part human, thus imperfect. As I am not human, only a human may judge a human.”
“But if he’s judging humanity, and I’m judging him, who’s judging me?”
“Rob Zombie…”
“He’s more human than human.”

Dan then reflects for half an earth-second, about how simple it was to actuate the expectations of the diety, as any form of preferance will most-likely paralyze the ability to know anything else other than what one already wanted in the first place. Suddely, once close enough to touch ‘God’, he reached benieth the skin, and using an exact opposite frequency pattern as the diety, Dan actuates the principal of ressonant cancelation, thus freezing “God” motionless.

Dan has no words. Dan does not need to impress, explain, or bost. He attacks again and again. 3 earth seconds, and it’s over, but to make sure, he also disects “God” and places a strong field around it. Besides this first safety field, a temporal bubble is formed around the remains, and the astral energy-residues are depatternized + compressed, in order to minimize evidence. Next, “God” is taken to a Somarasifian lab, for decryption.

At this time, Dan calmly explains something to one of his attendants:
“It is not the universe which says: ‘I have created you, and I will judge you.’ Ownership, and evaluation, are facalties of consumption. Fire, plagues and chasims – consume.”

(At a high velocity, Dan pukes against the wall, which is about 3 earth-meters away; then says:)

"That was my own emotion, materialized in fluid. That was my emotion about this “God”. I will be throwing up much more, after I speak, and I only answered to his tests because I had to.

  • There are no seven virtues. There is not even one virtue.

  • Seven “truths”? Anything can be made “true”, because anything can be made…

  • If I had to give ‘gods’ seven names, they’d be: Self-Intoxication, Pride, Theft, Madness, Impression, Contagiousness, Meaninglessness.

Anyways, our immunization network will be in for some serious upgrades after this decryption and customizing is done."

Dan was biding his time when the scientists from the lab interrupt whatever it was that Dan was possibly doing while biding his time to proclaim that the decryption process had been completed! They all rushed back to the lab and upon close inspection, they found it to be a hoax… a puppet “God” to be used for the motives of another other than the real “God.”
The scientists thought carefully and surmised that it had to be the work of Satan. Satan knew Dan was going to travel up the mountain and quest through the cavern for the ultimate prize, and because he knew, he counterfeited it in advance, setting up an illusion of “God” while orchestrating everything from behind the curtains.
“Of course,” exclaimed one of the scientists, “Rob Zombie has nothing to do with ‘God,’ but with Satan himself!” And before they knew it, the Devil himself was in the lab with them all, looking behind their shoulders at the crafty details of the dissected “God” he counterfeited in advance.
“Satan!” one of the scientists shuddered.
“Yes… it is I…” spoke the red-skinned horned and hoofed demon of demons, “…I am the embodiment of self-intoxication, impression, and pride. The ‘God’ you deem to rule this universe has ruled it with theft, madness, contagiousness, and meaninglessness. I have tried to give the world something better, but no one wants to hear me out. They all think I’m some kind of bad guy, and yet I had to go to such great lengths to counterfeit a whole deity just to get my point across. FUCK!”
Dan asks casually, “What do you want?”
The Devil smiles, “Oh nothing really… I would like your help though.”
“Yeah, I’d like to bump that fool off his cloud and give humanity a real world to live in. What do you say?”