I figure this would be a cry for help if you knew me in person, but I’d rather keep to the philosophical.
I’m generally unhappy with life, unsatisfied with my past, present, and my future seems bleak.
I would tell you the gruesome details of my life if you asked, but otherwise I’m not going to dump the info on you.
Two things you should know however:
I was a golden child.
I am normal.
I dont want pity, but those to things have a negative impact on my viewpoints, attitudes, actions, ect. Always have.
In short I have trouble functioning in society and most likely will never lead a normal life. I am an artist, as you might have guessed, but I think any type of major sucess would do my head in. Besides, I despise much of the entertainment industry.
Anyway, if you think I should, and suggest for me to kill my self, please spare the mean spiritedness, and tell me the best pain free method. I would use a gun if I had one, but a toaster in the tub seems easier.
Again, this is not a cry for help, I just want opinions. Today isn’t so bad.
Killing your body wont stop your mental or your emotional pain, if the spirit survives after the physical body dies; you’ll just loose your ability to largely effect the physical world.
I suggest that before you kill yourself, see a councelor. Find some good psychologists to talk to. Also find a hypnotist. Deprogram the poison within your consciousness. Then, once you’ve got a clear mind, after studying allot about the mechanics of the afterlife, take a mega-dose of painkillers and jump off of a 20 story building as you set your sails for another realm [or not].
Death sucks, though.
Your soul develops and grows a little bit each day during physical life. Living longer insures the release of a more developed and capable soul upon physical death.
If you killed yourself, will another threat to the persons who sexually abused you be removed, or would you prefer to kill them instead? But, killing a person is hard-work, and it’s really a disgusting job. I wouldn’t expose myself to such a task if I were you.
I will guess that your pain has allot to do with the obligations which you have set upon yourself. You probably expect yourself to be something which you are not, then judge yourself as unfit because you are not what you have exected yourself to be.
What would you describe your emotional pain as being, mainly?
Guilt? Shame? Confusion? Paradox? Anger? Hate? Loneliness? Mental-complex?
Suppose there were a few people at ILP who were also sexually abused as kids, would they perhaps hold some secrets about potential recovery?
I understand your feelings, but once again,
I say life is worth living. I know the feeling of a bleak
past, present and future, been there done that.
It seem to be a function of being young. With that said,
wait. What I have found is a solution will present itself
if you wait long enough. Quite often a solution presented itself
and I didn’t see it, because I was looking for something else or
so involved in feeling sorry for myself. But an answer will
show itself and give you the answers you are looking for.
You just have to be aware of it and open to it. You might say
“you can’t possible understand what I am going through”
I say, you would be amazed at what people have gone through,
survived and prospered. So what I suggest is this, get a job,
stay busy in school, do something you like and wait.
Wait for the universe do give you the answer you need.
When you are ready, it will happen, I GUARENTEE IT.
that is how sure I am of this. If you are open to the answer
from the universe, it will happen. I am 47 and it has happened
in every single life I have known. Now sometimes the person
didn’t see it and missed the sign, but it was there. All they
had to do was look and the future was starring them in the face.
So be patient, what do you have to lose by being patient and
wait for the universe to answer you. It will. Now it may not
be the answer you want, but it will be what you need.
It has never failed in my 47 years, so just get busy and
look for your answer. You have nothing to lose by following
this advice and everything to gain.
Thanks for your response. I have a good friend that I admire who suggests staying busy too. As much as I’d like to take that advice, the negative symptoms of my condition include a lack of motivation. I simply dont want much. But I wont take your advice lightly, I just have to make more an effort. Thanks again. I’ll be patient.
I take a slightly different view than Dan~, because I am a materialist. The problem with death is, to me, its permanence. You can’t keep your options open if you’re dead.
Unhappiness with life is found in people who are not diagnosed, too, you know. A lot of people are unhappy, and as Peter alludes to, think it will be permanent. It isn’t, always.
My friend Jakob posted a startling bit of news on the psychology board - that he cured himself of schizophrenia with shamanism. I asked him to expand on this, but I don’t think he did. I haven’t checked recently. Search his posts - there aren’t that many. He is a very nice man - he may be able to help you. I think I have his email address - I will be happy to contact him on your behalf - he doesn’t post much lately.
My real point is that there may be relief for you that you have not explored yet - some “alternative” means. Jake is, if his posts are any indication, a different guy than he was when I first “knew” him, years ago now on another board.
I come from a third world country. I now have a computer, access to the internet, drive a cadillac, and am living, what most would consider, the american dream.
Six years ago, I lived in albania, a third world country. I lived in a village where there was only one telephone for everyone.
My point is this:
You don’t know where your future is headed. In six years, I’ve gone from ^
Take a trip around the world. Travel to Australia, china, africa. Live in a box for the next couple years, gather up money, and then accomplish this.
Yeah, I noticed the shaman thread and hoped to find answers there, but unfortuntely didn’t.
Could you explain your materialist views, because I seem to abhor the material world, think it wretched, and maybe your view could persuade me against my negative attitude.
I mean, not to sound insensitive but sometimes childhood just sucks. Try to remember people are systematically raped and killed in other countries and no one even breaks a sweat. Those people don’t just off themselves though, life is too sweet to end it at your age.
Consider that you are young(er) at that just maybe you’re making a mistake. This is the one type of mistake that you cannot take back or fix in any real way though.
People would kill to live in a country where their lives aren’t in constant danger…
Anyways… I realize I can give my little two cents but in the end it’s your decision so here are a few pointers if you do decide to go ahead.
Do a bunch of stuff before you go. Drop some acid (that’ll likely cure your schizo if you can remain lucid enough and know your mind well enough). Get laid, write a poem, maybe… go for a joyride or something.
Make sure the will and all that stuff is taken care of. You don’t want to leave a burden.
I would go via drugs. I’ll be a fun little time before you do take off, plus there is no messy cleanup like a burnt-skin bathroom you might have with the toaster/bathtub combo. Not to mention that would fucking kill… pain-wise I mean.
I say, keep busy with the easy things.
Example:
Posting at forums.
Some people have fucked-up childhoods and then it’s hard to find fuel within thyself to do work in the “real world”.
I’d just say to go really easy on yourself.
Most times when someone gives advice they say:
“You’ve gotta do this; you’ve gotta do that.”
But really, you don’t have to do anything.
You’re free to do what ever you choose and are capable of.
~
Let’s talk about your art.
I do art also.
I’ve made so many songs, most of them nobody has ever heard. Entire songs.
I usedto expect myself to eventually figure out how to publish the songs, as I thought I should sell music & everyone should like it.
It seemed like everyone else was doing it that way, so I thought that I should be the same.
Later I realized that the only way you can please people is by emulating pop culture. Look all sexy, get born with the prefect body, make witty comments, win fist-fights, make picaso-paintings, kill Smith [from the matrix], make pop-music-shit.
All of that is pure-shit.
Alternatively, just do things for yourself…
It took me a long time to change my attitude about my own art.
Now I view all of my own scetches, writings and songs differently.
I don’t feel obligated towards public admiration.
People already have what they want anyways. They have their Pepsi, their mars-bars, their pizzas, their beer and their TV.
They have it made, and there’s way too much of that popular shit already.
It’s good that you have some friends.
Tell 'em you have emptiness issues then hang out with them more often if that’s what you like.
Despite the omnipresent slave-morality in modern society, I suggest developing moderate “selfishness”, and aborting social obligation.
Me feeling that I had to play a roll in society was one of the main sorces of stress in my life. I’m still struggling with the issue. I don’t want to copy all of the work-bees around me and bow-down to Britney as I tolerate Bush. They can all go **** themselves!
I know other people have much worse than me. It just doesn’t take away from the fact that my soul was Not to be crossed. My rebellious spirit wants the last word. Possibly revenge, but more likely escape on my own terms.
I’m sorry for other people in other parts of the world, but it only serves to give a me bad perspective of the world in general.
The american dream might do it for them, but green grass and candy coated cars makes me want to vomit. I dont know how to untrain my gag reflex. I’ll try some more, I guess.
If you want the most pain free method of killing yourself, I would recommend living wild and let the situation take care of its self. A quick death is, ultimately, not that fun. Living life with freedom from fear, on the other hand, is rather enjoyable.
Be wild, feel the wind rush across your body as you stand between two bullet trains racing in opposite directions, explore subway tunnels, jump from moving cars, do drugs, drink too much, eat too much and simply be with no concern for the next day.
If you do these things, you should become attached to living and eventually the situation will even itself out. That is what happened in my case, at least. I spent some time homeless and did a lot of stupid shit, but all-in-all it was a positive experience and has given me a deep appreciation for life and what it has to offer. Cured up my depression right quick.
As for your lack of motivation – fix it. If you lack to the will to translate thought into action than you deserve the depression you wallow in. There are plenty of accomplished schizophrenics, many with conditions that sound far more debilitating than your’s. Stop blaming the disease, get off your duff and do some stupid shit. Lack of motivation is one of the easiest things in the world to cure.
kevconman:
Yes, existential alienation. And I blame the industrial age. Much like notes from the underground, by doystevski. Identify with almost every word."
K: 25 years ago I read and identify with it also, but not today.
I have outgrown it. 25 years ago I Identified with Nietzsche,
but not today. Today I am in a different place,
but nothing has changed. I am still handicap, I am still looking
for my place in the world, I am still looking for a job/ career that
I can take to retirement, in fact, I could take today and
replace it with a an exact day 25 years ago. But today
I am different. I know who I am and I know if I am patient,
an answer will come. The unknown doesn’t frighten me.
The staring into the abyss that frighten Nietzsche and used
to frighten me, doesn’t anymore. More then anything else,
I have perspective on life. What is truly valuable and what
is crap. What you think is really valuable is not, its crap,
and what you think is crap is actually more important then you
would think. But only age gives you that understanding.
This may make no sense whatsoever to you now, but
in a few years… you will understand and worship the ground
I walk on. Yes you will. Be patient and wait.
My art is the only hope I have for expressing until immersed in joy. When I started writing short stories I won contests at my first few attempts, and very suddenly I had newspapers heralding me as the “next big writer”
That was a decade ago, and I haven’t written for myself since. sad. I think I have to revise my views on art, much like you did.
I’ve thought selling all my shit and taking a radical train trip across the country and deciding what to do when I get there, perhaps tenting in the woods until I’m desperate enough to motivate myself to work for the food, instead of relying on the goverment cheese. I may just take that train. thanks.
At the moment I can’t afford to care, but someday, once I take on my third form, allot of those basterds are in for some psychic assassination.
Dude, that’s fucked.
You’re just suggesting he be more like you.
I think he would enjoy it more if he did whatever he wanted and took it easy on himself.
“Getting laid” is a stressful bitch of a process, and it achieves nothing.
Bah. How long would it take for someone to clear up the “burden”? A few days? It’s no big deal, really.
When people don’t love themself & then use drugs, they tend to use the harsh shit which makes their life even more meaningless, and makes their emotions even more fucked.
